AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

I dont see what he has done wrong

It's called developing as a person. And exploring life.
There's nothing wrong with your husband wanting more than a closeknit home life and only seeing a few family members.

You can either participate (to the extent you want) or respect him do it on his own.

Good for him, living a bit. Have you at least tried going with him? I can’t see your marriage lasting long otherwise tbh

He has changed. Unless you are willing to compromise a little, your relationship will be in peril.

He’s discovered that life doesn’t need to be narrow and limited. He wants you alongside him to enjoy the adventure. Give it a try.

I have. I'm very introverted so didn't really feel comfortable. There's nothing wrong with them per se but I don't 'click' with his friends.

People grow and develop- people change it sounds like he’s trying to include you, maybe he wasn’t as happy with the homebody life as you were.

Your world is very small, and will eventually get even smaller as your parents/in laws age. Is it not worth exploring a little? You might even like his friends. Do you never go to restaurants or the theatre, have days out?

Just mourning the loss of how it was. Previously on Sat morning we would be getting ready to go to one of our family's, usually his parents. His mum would be there with our favourite teas and scones or cake. Sometimes his cousins would visit. Sometimes his nephew would come along with them. It was perfect.

Don't think he is doing anything wrong. I don't know what ages you are but your lifestyle up to now has not been very exciting. Spending most of your leisure time with both sets of parents would be stifling for many.
He has the opportunity to explore new things and make new memories through his work. He is encouraging you to come along but you have dug your heels in, preferring to spend time with his mother. You need to decide what your priorities are now. I know what I would choose. Relationships should be evolving and changing, not stuck in a rut.

I can see why you feel taken aback by these sudden changes. I’m not sure how old you are but it’s not unusual at all for people to suddenly decide they want to explore different things. But it must be tough realising that he wasn’t as happy as you were with the overall life you’re living or he wouldn’t have gone for this job and embraced it so much.

Now you’ve only got two options really - either try new things with him or try to be happy living the “old” life with more time on your own. You say you’re introverted and a bunch of new people might be overwhelming but I would try to compromise and think of some things you’d enjoy doing with him - go to an art gallery in London for instance rather than constant socialising.

I think you need to change ‘we were happy!’ to I was happy!’
Couples can get along fine with different lifestyles if they accept their differences and don’t resent each other. Is it that you feel you are losing him? You don’t want to do stuff on your own?

What everyone saying ‘it’s a good thing’ is missing is that this isn’t the person OP married and she’s sad about it.
I understand your feelings OP, you were happy in your little bubble and it’s like he has changed the rules on you. I have a lot of sympathy for you as a fellow introvert, I really do. However he is also not being unreasonable to have realised he does like to socialise a bit more and is finding new things he enjoys. He isn’t doing it to hurt you and he clearly wants you to come with him, so it’s not that he’s excluding you.
I think at this point you have 3 choices: You can end the marriage, you can accept that if you don’t want to go out either him you’re going to spend more time alone, or you can try and meet him where he is.
I think it’s time for an open and honest discussion about how you both feel. No blame just honesty, it could be he’s been having the feeling of wanting to do more for a while and this has just facilitated that.

But was he really happy or did the op just think he was?

Life doesn't stand still, does it?

Well yes that’s why they need to have an honest discussion about feelings and try to understand where each other are coming from. If he hasn’t ever expressed that he was unhappy with their life, it’s not OPs fault if she feels blindsided by his behaviour now.
A lot of the comments about their life not being exciting or it being small etc are not really fair as some people like life on an even keel and predictable and it’s a perfectly acceptable way to live if it’s what makes you happy. But of course that requires both parties to be happy like that and that’s the crux of the issue here.

And yet so predictably with young people that the way they deal with life will change and not remain unchanged for +45 years of marrige. Most couples' lives will change and not remain the same in years.

How old are you both?

@newlifeoldme you were both happy.

But now he has discovered something new and widened his world which has made him happier.

The world is a place of discovery. Perhaps you need to get out there and discover your thing too?

Are you perhaps a bit jealous that he has found more exciting stuff in the world than just visiting family?

He was probably bored

Well only speaking for myself I rarely have a clear line of happy or not happy with enough clarity to have a conscience discussion with my husband i presume he is the same

As we have aged we have adapted and changed

And you can still do this, just not every Saturday.

Your DH hasn’t just disappeared, ignoring you and leaving you behind, he’s asking you to join him. Part of a relationship is compromising sometimes, I’m
not saying you have to do things you truly hate, but surely there is a compromise where you’re both happy.
You need to sit down and talk to him, be honest with each other.

I guess it wasn't perfect for him.

If you love him, you should probably try to meet him halfway and get out of your comfort zone sometimes.

Otherwise you'll probably find your lives diverging permanently.

He's either going to grow with you, or grow without you. It's your choice which one you want that to be.

How old are you both?