AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

There was a recent post where the husband never wanted to go out, the replies were in fact the same.

Thank you, I think its really healthy to discuss different view points and considerations, its only from doing so that we can change and shape our own worlds.

Your post is really thoughtful post, and I agree with a lot of the underlying point, especially about how lockdown shaped people’s sense of what “normal” social life looks like. A lot of couples formed their entire relationship inside a bubble that was artificially tiny, and it did create dynamics that feel safe but aren’t sustainable once real life resumes.

But I think it’s important to separate two things:

• Genuine introversion, which is a stable personality trait.
• Lockdown‑shaped social anxiety, which is what many people are actually describing.

OP sounds like someone who built her whole emotional world around a lockdown‑style relationship and never had to stretch beyond it. Her DH has simply re-entered a normal social environment and rediscovered parts of himself that were dormant. That isn’t betrayal, it’s development.

Where I’d be a bit gentler is the idea that she’s “fetishising introversion” or that her MIL is “manipulative.” It’s more that OP is frightened by the shift, and the MIL probably liked the old dynamic because it kept her son close. That doesn’t make her evil; it just means she’s invested in the old pattern too.

The core truth remains: A marriage built in a lockdown bubble will eventually have to adapt to the real world. DH is already doing that. OP needs support to do the same, not to be told that the old bubble was the only valid way to live. Lockdown was a very strange period of our history and will have adversly affected some more than others.

Of course it’s valid and if that’s what she chooses for her life, that’s absolutely fine, but she can’t expect her husband to live that way if he doesn’t want to (not saying she is, but they probably need to have a conversation and agree on some compromises).

I don’t think it’s fair to say her DH has moved the goalposts; we don’t know what we don’t know and going by OP’s description of his mother, it sounds like he’s never really had the opportunity to explore a different kind of life. He now has that opportunity and realises he enjoys it, which is fine. People change and grow during a marriage, and it’s not fair for one partner to try and keep the other back because they want to keep the status quo.

Neither the OP or her DH are wrong here - they might be incompatible, but equally, if OP is at least willing to try and go outside her comfort zone, she might find some activities she enjoys and be able to compromise with her DH a little so they can both feel comfortable and happy within the relationship.

For you.
Not for him, obviously.
It sounds a very narrow way of living TBH. I'd be bored shitless.

He has seen there is more to life amazing places to visit .
Go along with him or you risk losing each other.
Maybe sitting in his parents home has become boring to him maybe he was always this way and just went along with life and its yourself who is the homebody not him.

I completely agree with your assessment and with your perspective on genuine introversion vs situational anxiety manifesting as introversion.

My point is that very often when people present as “introverts” they are not introverts, they are people with high levels of social anxiety (such as the OP). But there are so many fellow travellers on here who will fall in with this analysis and persuade them that this is normal and sustainable when its not.

There are a lot of people still living in these self imposed “bubbles” that you describe. Its very understandable that this has happened and these people deserve compassion and support but encouraging them to think they can sustain this indefinitely under the banner of “being an introvert” is irresponsible.

Living a quiet, home based life with family is absolutely fine but there is a huge amount of gathering evidence to show that cutting everyone other than immediate family out of your life and living in a state of suspicion and distrust is profoundly unhealthy. We have to stop telling people its OK and normal to live like this and even celebrating it.

My DH is a genuine introvert with a very peoply and exhausting job. He still loves to travel, go to plays, visit museums, eat out and meet a few friends. Just avoids large gatherings and needs a Sunday to recharge.

I am an extrovert, sort of. He doesnt stop me from doing stuff or cling to me. I don't stop him from taking alone time. We both travel together but also solo.

This is why we have been married 30 years.

I think it's really important to de-stigmatise this phenomenon and show appropriate compassion without normalising it or playing down the risks of living this way.

I can see how it happens because I think that building a social life and finding compatible friends can be really difficult these days for a variety of reasons. Pretending not to want something that you feel like you can't have is a common coping mechanism and I think that's behind some of this.

I've said before that I have some close family I'm worried about. The suspicion and distrust of the wider world is getting worse and worse.

You sound as if you have some social anxiety issues and it would help you and your relationship to address those. You can’t expect the man not to make friends in his new job or want to socialise with friends. Thats completely unreasonable.

It's lovely that you're so close to family but at times you need to broaden your friendship group & enjoy different experiences. Your husband hasn't changed at all he's just found new friends to enjoy time with. That's not a bad thing. He's asked if you'd like to join him but you've chose not to. Maybe if you go along sometime you might find you enjoy it more than you thought you would. Obviously your husband does.

I think we agree! Ah that statement is a novelty for me on Mumsnet!😉🤐

I agree. "Moving the goalposts" would be suddenly deciding he does want children after all, or that he wants to emigrate. "Do we have to go to Mum and Dad's for tea every week?" isn't, or at least shouldn't, be marriage-threatening.

The update that you met your husband as guests at an abroad wedding is highly relevant. You must have had to push yourself out of your comfort zone to travel, attend and meet new people. But if you hadn't then you wouldn't have met your lovely husband and his nice family. It's clearly worth making the effort now and again to see what these new experiences can offer!

There are a few of us around attempting to combat the wilful misuse of the term 'introvert', when it's used to mean 'timid, socially-anxious or -unskilled person' or 'misanthrope', rather than what it actually means, which is someone who, regardless of how/how often/how enjoyably they socialise, need some solo downtime to recharge. An actual introvert may be shy or socially-awkward, sure, but they may also be talkative, socially-confident and attention-loving. The thing that makes them an introvert if whether they find socialising a charge on a drain.

@WhatNoRaisins

I can see how it happens because I think that building a social life and finding compatible friends can be really difficult these days for a variety of reasons. Pretending not to want something that you feel like you can't have is a common coping mechanism and I think that's behind some of this.

Exactly. Pushing people away before they have the chance to reject you: it's a classic self-protection tactic. Teenagers have done it for decades.

The difference is now it has become normalised as an acceptable lifestyle choice to become an "introvert". You see it on here with people piling onto threads to say how much they hate "people" and using awful phrases like "it's too peopley out there" etc.

We do need to tackle it. As you say, it needs to be done in a compassionate and respectful way but it's not healthy to pretend not to like anyone other than your husband and children (or parents) and we as a society need to do a better job of coaxing people out of this in a safe way. And stop pretending its quirky or interesting. It's not: it's a road to lifelong loneliness and stifling dependency.

My point is that very often when people present as “introverts” they are not introverts, they are people with high levels of social anxiety (such as the OP). But there are so many fellow travellers on here who will fall in with this analysis and persuade them that this is normal and sustainable when its not.
l would say introversion is the opposite of social anxiety because normally introverts are perfectly happy in their own company. I don't think anything of going to the cinema on my own, or sitting in a cafe or a pub with a book on my own. Being suffocated by just sitting around with your husband and his mother the whole time is not introversion.

Absolutely this. A genuine introvert is happy with his or her own company. Not codependent on their spouse or parents.

You’re absolutely right about what introversion actually means - but I don’t think the OP’s issue is about labels. Her DH isn’t suddenly ‘not an introvert’, he’s just in a new job with new people and new energy.

The dynamic of their relationship has changed, and she’s feeling left behind. That’s the bit that needs addressing, not whether he’s introverted or extroverted.”

Op I think this is a good thing, it's better to broaden your social lives beyond family. If you don't gel with his work friends then I'd take that time away from your partner as an opportunity to do some exercise or join a hobby group or club so that perhaps you can make your own friends.

I really think inertia is involved here as much as social anxiety.
OP cannot reasonably be described as ‘still young’ given her present age, and I think whatever it takes to shake some action is now pretty urgent, or she’ll become completely ossified in place, and her personality and potential life experience quite unexplored. It’d be such a waste.
(I’d even wonder if a course of testosterone might boost her general interest in life)

Yes I was surprised they are mid thirties, which means they are more similar to th4 couple I know I mentioned up thread. I also wonder how much is intertia

bur she says she’s always been like this. And thought she’d found someone happy to live as she wishes. Which is indescribably selfish to try to stop him experiencing new things and enjoying life in different ways. The pressure being applied is horrible his family. Her and his mother are fighting him which is shocking,

I understand you feel sad, I hope you will try to join him and enjoy yourself a mix of his new life snd your old life would be nice. Is your husband socially awkward and feels included and accepted for the 1st time. Be careful I married very young my husband was very quiet and shy and a bit geaky, he grew up got handsome and completly changed. Try to let him fly and join In men are pretty sad and selfish once they are influenced by other people complaining only drives them away. Is there any woman in the group that he mentions more.

Oh no, don't become paranoid about 'other women' because your husband doesn't wants to eat scones every weekend with his mum. And wanting to meet other people is not 'selfish'.
It's perfectly normal.

I would feel so suffocated if my husband kept policing my mentions of friends.

Don’t do that. Just don’t. It’s so mean.

Don't be cruel.