AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

Being an introvert doesn’t mean you lead a narrow life, it doesn’t even mean you’re a homebody. It means that you’re re-energized by time alone whilst an extravert is re-energized by time spent with others.

I’m an introvert, I must have alone time every day, it’s non-negotiable and yet I think the life you’re describing would be extremely dull and limiting. I’d hate it. If your husband isn’t happy like that he needs to grow and change. Up to you whether you also consider doing that.

I don’t really know what you mean when say the Korean bbq place isn’t your scene? What’s not your scene - restaurants? A casual dinner isn’t a big imposition.

I can see why you’re sad, you thought you were both content with your life. It’s good that you have been able to share your thoughts. However, he’s told you he wants to broaden his outlook, you don’t. That said , the novelty might wear off. Good luck.

Sounds like he’s discovered there’s more to life than working and living in the same building and just seeing a limited number of people/ family.

You say it’s not your scene? But you haven’t even tried to join in?

And if of course he’s a social person and you don’t socialise at all then you probably aren’t compatible anymore and you should go your separate ways.

He was probably happy at the time. That’s what his life was and maybe didn’t know anything else so he was happy. Now he’s experiencing a different sort of life and likes some aspects of it.
Neither is wrong, she likes life as it always was and he wants to try new things.

Sounds like he’s living a bit. Maybe you should try?

With respect, Op, he has changed and will never go back to the old life.

If I were you, I would brave up and trust your DH to accompany you to some of the new places in the city. Take the leap.
You could compromise and ask that it just be the two of you.

Sometimes go out with his new friends but also sometimes lock in visits to family as they are missing him like you are.

Covid lock downs did affect how adventurous young people could be and some are still fearful of new places.
Lean in your DH.

Oh, Im not suggesting he’s deliberately lied about how he feels, he probably hasn’t, I just mean that if it’s not something he’s articulated it feels out of the blue for her, iyswim?

In your twenties OP? He’s just discovering there’s a life out there beyond quiet weekends at home and visiting his parents.

Exactly what I would hope for my kids in his mum’s shoes. Not sad that he’s “changed”

It can be disorienting when the life you thought you were both happy with changes. He’s been exposed to a different way of life via his job and has found he enjoys it. This doesn’t mean he wasn’t happy with the way life was before, but he’s found another dimension to his life that he wants to explore, and it sounds like he wants to involve you.

As others have said, you need to have an honest conversation about how you’re feeling. Try not to accuse him of being a different person, but let him know that you miss the way things were because it made you feel happy and safe, and that the way things are now make you feel unsettled.

Be prepared for him to say that he feels like that way of life was not right for him and he wants you to embrace the new way of life with him.

But he needs to accept that this may not be right for you, the same way that going back to how it was may not be right for him. And then come to the compromise. A suggestion might be that maybe every other weekend you see your families, on one of the alternate weekends you do something new together, and on the other he does his own thing with his new friends. Or whatever you work out between you.

The life you describe as “perfect” would be incredibly monotonous and stifling for many people.

There is a whole world out there - do you not want more for yourself than tea and scones with your mother in law every Saturday?

It sounds like his old life was a bit stifling and a new job and new people have opened his eyes to other things, which isn’t bad.

You should try it yourself? If not with his friends then find new things for yourself to get out and try.

It’s a bit strange at this point to put so much focus on family.

So true. I really dislike the way “being an introvert” is being rebadged to describe behaviour which is grumpy, insular or controlling. Its not an automatic excuse to be really negative and antisocial.

Did you get together just before or during Covid?

Your life sounds very insular by most peoples standards.

Is there any compromise for you?
His life is evolving and changing. He is trying to involve you. A conversation between you both needs to happen.
I think you need to accept that he is unlikely to revert back to your "old life" and work out what you both want going forward and work out of there is a compromise on both sides.

Isn’t it obvious?

@Thepeopleversuswork exactly that. I am an introvert and I am very sociable and love going out and seeing friends. It just means that I need to carve out time alone in all of that, otherwise I get exhausted.

When I was younger (from late teens - mid 20s) I was in a long term relationship. I thought I was happy being a homebody, not really seeing many friends or going out much because that’s what he liked to do. When that relationship ended, my world became so much bigger and I realised what I’d missed out on.

Don’t get me wrong, I am introverted but I still get out there and do things.

She’s saying he’s a totally different person and she doesn’t even recognise him all because he sometimes sees friends on the weekend! It’s dramatic and controlling.

I was going to say exactly this.

I’m also an introvert but definitely not a homebody. I absolutely love exploring the world, meeting new people, having new experiences and my job means I have to interact with people most of the day. It KNACKERS me out until my bones hurt all over sometimes so I have to be alone for a bit to recharge. Definitely wouldn’t avoid that feeling though, there’s no way I could lead an insular life again as I did when I struggled with social anxiety years ago.

I think you may indeed have social anxiety. You can overcome it with help and your life will open up so much. I don’t blame your DH for wanting to explore and get out there, you get one shot at life after all…

I'm wondering if this is the person OP married, and he went along with it because he loved OP but has got fed up of it. He has to spend all his weekends round his mum's and every day just speaking to OP? how suffocating! Why would someone apply and take a job where he has to her in the office 4 days a week and do so many other things off they were truly happy? Of course that's his fault for not saying it's not what he wanted to do but maybe he's just got bored.

How old are you?

You sound very inflexible and reluctant to try anything new. You are likely to be left behind if you don’t at least try to broaden your horizons.

However, if you really don’t want to, you need to make it very clear to DH. It is definitely better to be single than in a relationship that isn’t working any more.

I also agree with what other people have said about being an introvert. It means you re-energise from within yourself, rather than from other people. Not that you live like a hermit.

You sound like a nightmare to be honest and it sounds like your world was very insular which isn’t healthy.

My husband is very sociable and loves being out and around people. I’m not like that but I can’t be married to someone who is and expect him to never do that. So we compromise, sometimes I go out when I’d rather not, go to things I’d rather not and he doesn’t go out as often as he’d like if it’s something I don’t want to go to.

I’m not saying you need to go with him to everything but you need to meet him halfway.

Coming at it from a different angle, you’ve been married quite a short time, perhaps in a relationship for a while before that, but what did you do before you met? If your social life now revolves around his family?

it’s difficult when people change in a way you don’t expect, and tbh spending time with someone’s work friends is always a bit tedious as they have a lot in common that you’ll never be able to join in with properly, but I agree that you need to meet him halfway on this, or spend a lot more time on your own. Doing the same thing with family every weekend sounds so stifling, especially if working full time from home. What do you talk about?!

So you want your husband (who clearly actually wasn’t a hone body - he was accommodating your needs to the exclusion of his own) should spend the rest of his life hiding away at home with his only friends being his parents his in-laws and his cousins, when clearly he doesn’t want that?

What’s wrong with him going out? If you don’t want to, that’s up to you: you’re married, not joined at the hip.

Perfect for whom?

you?

what about him?