AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

Just on a general note, a couple of people have said that your lifestyle seems unhealthy and it may literally be the case: if your life revolves around staying at home and eating cake or cream tea with family members then that is likely to be a short cut to becoming quite sedentary and gaining weight. If you are young now you might be naturally slim, but it is very easy for that to change.

I also don’t really understand how ‘being an introvert’ is used nowadays. It’s a just personality descriptor, but you seem to use it to define yourself and your whole lifestyle.

Perhaps try a weekend trip out to London just with your husband?

Maybe he was happy, but his horizons have expanded, and that is not a bad thing. We are not meant to go through life, and never change.

I think you are unreasonable OP to expect someone else to live a life that revolves only around home and immediate family.

That's very limiting and claustrophobic and frankly boring.

I am a big introvert and I don't like crowds but I still see the benefit of going out occasionally to cafes, restaurants and to some have hobbies/do physical activities outside the home and I make sure that I do that. I think it is good for my physical and mental health.

I just avoid crowded spaces and don't like being out late in the evenings.

You need to have a conversation and find a balance where you can mix quiet weekends and also enjoying some time going out.

If not your relationship won't survive. A relationship is a compromise and you can't have everything your own way.

You say we were happy, but was he? Cos he sounds happier now even if your not

You say we were happy, but was he? Cos he sounds happier now even if your not

How do you find things to talk about if you seem them so often.What's going to happen when they sadly pass away, where will you go then?

How old are you both, OP? I’m not trying to be disrespectful, but this sounds quite boring and stifling - and I love a good scone and a cup of tea.

I’m also an introvert; really love my own company and just a bit of peace and quiet, but there are also plenty of things I enjoy doing that involve other people and going places - I’m just selective about it.

It seems like your husband is starting to “find himself” a little (sorry, that sounds wanky I know), but if this dynamic is just something you both fell into, he’s maybe never realised what kind of things he actually enjoys.

In your position, I think you should chat to him about how you’re feeling and try stepping out of your comfort zone a little by agreeing to a couple of small outings - maybe twice a month, even just you and him at first. You never know, you might really start to enjoy it.

Plus this has nothing to do with ‘introversion’, which is routinely misunderstood on Mn. Introversion only means that socialising drains rather than energises you — it doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy it, aren’t good at it, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have a dull or isolated life. It simply means you need more downtime to recharge after being around others. I’m pretty introverted, in that I need a good bit of solitude, but my twenties involved living in communes in different countries, busking, tutoring on film sets etc, not eating scones with my PIL every weekend, and being horrified DH had new friends.

You need to talk to him and work out a compromise.

He wants to go and and live now. There's nothing wrong with that. What if he chooses not to stay home and you split. You'll lose his family as well as him.

Try and talk and see how you can meet in the middle

How old are you?

The life you describe living together is extremely limiting. You say 'we were so happy' but I think it's you who was 'so happy'.

Whether you consider it growing and evolving as a person or changing, it's upsetting when you feel that that person is moving away from you. You have two options - to try some of these new things with him or to sit st home while he goes off and lives a little. I think if you choose the latter, the writing and well and truly on the wall.

It's no-one's fault.

How old are you both?

For you. But not him.

Ah I get what you mean op, it is sad, you both had your thing and now he’s changed. It is nice in a way but don’t get posters acting like your different is wrong. You’re both just different now. Can you try some of his stuff and compromise a little but also tell him going to his mums on your own was sad for you and you need some of his time too.

It was perfect for you, but not for him, clearly.

It's nice having strong connections with family but it's also very very unusual to only spend time with the same five or six family members in each other's houses and no one or nowhere else, day in day out.

I think it's odd that you don't seem to even want to try a day out with just your husband.

Maybe he’s not ready to live the life of a retiree

I think london trip might be too far too soon Maybe a cinema trip or pizza place.

Must be hard op but actually it sounds like he is living his life in a healthier way now socialising and getting out beyond four walls. He obviously just needed to find the right crowd to broaden his horizons and if he was just falling in with doing what you actually wanted to do because he didn't have options then he possibly would have got itchy feet and become resentful at not doing anything, in time.

It was perfect for you, but it turns out not for him so much. He may have been content with it at the time but he’s tasted the world and freedom now - I doubt he will be able to go back into his box even if he wanted to.

Two choices: either you try to grow and explore with him, or if that’s not possible split and find someone who is on the same page as you.

Op, your lifestyle is not that of an introvert, so much as a recluse.

Your first post mentions no plans for children, and I infer from that , that you are young enough to have that as a consideration.

You , hopefully, have a lot of years ahead of you; time to try out different things and decide whether they truly are not for you, or, in fact , you quite enjoyed the change.

A saying where I am from - ‘you’re a long time dead’

I think this is a very insightful post.

OP it sounds as if you have not really gone through adolescence. The life you describe is the sort of life I could imagine being satisfying for a primary school aged child or an older person. It doesn’t sound normal for a healthy young adult.

There’s nothing wrong with this and at one level it’s lovely that you want to spend time with your family. I bet they love it. But it does sound a little bit like some arrested development has occurred.

You do need to accept that while this works for you its fairly unusual and is unlikely to be sufficient for most adults. I think it might be worth exploring this with a therapist: it sounds like you might need some help “launching” yourself a bit.

It sounds as if your husband has started to bridle a bit at this and is sending you a signal that he wants more from life. You need to decide whether to go with him or let him go alone. Change and development can be unsettling but you can’t stop it and you certainly can’t mandate this on someone else’s behalf.

How old are you? I know a lot of families where socialising with family is a big thing.

Aside from visiting family what did you do in your free time? Could you do more as a couple like walking/ theatre / cinema or meals out?

Did you ever go on holiday.

We know a couple where the husband was way more social but his wife wasn’t. It’s like he lives half a life. For their holiday they go to a hotel about 50 minute from home. Same place every year. It’s sad.

I could understand if he was wanting to now take huge adventure holidays, or follow a band round the world on their tour, or something very 'different'.

But from what you've said he's suggesting things like a day out, or trying a new restaurant.

Those things are completely normal and what most people do.

As others have said, can you try to embrace it a little? If you insist on being the spouse who refuses to do anything, your relationship dynamic will suffer.

YABU I'm afraid. I know its difficult but people should be able to grow within a marriage. That doesn't mean growing apart, he's asking you to grow with him but you're refusing.

His life sounds fuller and richer now.

Some really judgmental replies here, it absolutely is not necessarily "healthier" to go out to restaurants with friends than your family's houses?!!
Some of us are happy with small gentle lives.
Op, I had an ex like this. She changed dramatically suddenly, drinking and partying and it all felt fake. We ended up splitting up unfortunately as I just didn't enjoy those things.
I am now married to a man who has the same values as me. He got his party days out of the way before we met.
Good luck on whatever you choose to do.