AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

You are not unreasonable to resent him changing but your life is incredibly small and boring and clearly he was not happy (otherwise he would even apply for a job that required 4 days in the office). He wants to do more with your life and you are trying to hold him back. The best outcome for you 2 will be divorce. So each of you can do what they want. Second best is you opening up your horizons (but it’s unfair on you to have to change).
just sitting at home and never seeing anything and anyone new is not healthy

I think you have to accept that your old life was never going to stay as it was forever. Not only would your parents not be around forever, but it was inevitable that one or both of you would come to be desperate for something more. Much better that it should be like this than getting enticed into an affair or something.

He obviously wasn’t otherwise he wouldn’t have applied to a 4 day in office role!

I agree with this because my life sounds similar to the OPs. My husband and I enjoy the company of each other, we have a couple of close local friends who we see, and a smattering of friends from previous versions of life that we see a couple of times a year either together or separately. But the main socialising we do is with my parents, brothers and their partners, and his parents.

Snort. It’s not a ‘value’ to spend your weekends eating scones with either your parents or your PIL. Neither is the only alternative ‘drinking and partying’.

This is a difficult one op. I'm very like you and your DH's change in behaviour would also make me sad however I do think the way you lived before was fairly unusual for a young (assuming) child free couple, the life i more picture for a little old retired couple. YANBU to feel upset about the change in your life but I think you need to try to embrace this new DH or at least encourage him to enjoy it on his own if you don't want to, otherwise it will push him away and I see a split down the line unfortunatley

This website can be very narrow minded at times, I've heard people suggest that parents of introverted children should force their kids to be more social and not eg stay at home reading books like they want to. I think it's really damaging for people like me who just weren't built to thrive in busy and social environments. I much prefer spending time with my dh, my parents, and a couple of close friends, but having most of my time alone or with animals. I would be so unhappy if my dh was forcing me out to cafes in London every weekend, it's busy and stressful. I need peace and nature.
So, if the op is still here (which I hope she is) i think she needs to see the alternative view that her life is fine if it makes her happy and she doesn't have to follow her dh activities if she doesn't want to. However she then has to accept the relationship will likely end.

I spent far too much time trying to force myself to like that kind of thing and never knew peace until I started living the quiet life I'd always wanted.

But this isn’t introversion, it’s more like some form of social anxiety, as introverted people take energy from small groups or solicitude, it doesn’t mean they can’t go out, stick to the same routines, have no friends and only socialise with family and drink tea and eat scones.

Kindly - live, try new things, explore the edges of your tiny world. You can live as you describe when you're old. For now, you're young.

It wasn’t perfect for him. It wouldn’t be for the vast majority of people, to be honest, it’s massively suffocating. It sounds like you really enjoyed it, but it was never going to be enough for him.

Most adults don’t build their social lives around their parents; or see them twice a week.

Would you be willing to go out more with other friends, or is it the wider circle and socialising you don’t want to do?

I suspect your choices here are going to be to join in and see if you like it too, or to get used to doing a lot separately and hope that neither of you gets lonely. It sounds harsh but this is such a huge difference in preferences and personality. It’s difficult to see how this ends without you having significantly grown apart.

His parents sound stifling. Favourite tea and scones every weekend?! Good grief. How close do you live to them all? Red flags for their expectations of you as they age.

Problem having your parents as your social life is that they won’t be around for ever.

Are you their only social life too @newlifeoldme

If either of you had been my DC and the only time you went out was to come to see me I would have been encouraging you to do other things too.

Many people have to adapt as life moves on. There’s another thread going on when mum has realised her teens don’t want to do things with her like they used to do in the summer holidays. We have become empty nesters, DC have partners, we also have become carers for elderly parents so our lives and time has changed drastically in the last few years

Have a discussion with your DH, the novelty of socialising may wear off a bit so he doesn’t go out so often but maybe you need to try and embrace some of it. Meet in the middle. He shouldn’t completely dump his parents etc either

You don't know it's social anxiety. The op described her life as perfect before her dh changed, so she was happy with it.

Do you have friends of your own OP?

Were you very young when you got together? my sisters have had lives like you. I would have withered on the vine. People do change I would say there was something similar when I was young but I am your DH. I was living with my High school sweetheart, had been in nursing for a while but had enough and changed jobs and met people who had done a lot more in life, been to University, nursing wasn’t a degree back then.

So I left him and went to University as a mature student whilst working to pay my way. Ended up living in Birmingham, after living in a small rural community all my life. He still lives there as do 3 of my sisters seeing the same people day in and day out. He just didn’t want to move and I did. Try doing stuff with him, I ended up marrying a man who had been on many adventures and travelled round the world for almost 2 years in his mid twenties. We are now retired and travel about in our motorhome when we can. It’s the continent next year for the 3 months we are allowed. May nip in to a non Schengen zone to extend.

It’s no one’s actual fault if you got together young the brain is still developing until you are round 28 it’s why I’m a big advocate of not marrying and having kids too young.

A good healthy relationship is about facilitating each other to grow and flourish, not holding each other back. There’s absolutely nothing stopping you making new friends who just want to chill and eat cake and not go to busy places.

It seems like your lives are going in different directions, if you want to stay together you need to meet each other half way, he needs to spend some time at home with you and you need to explore a little with him.

I think that the issue is that this cosy little life isn't sustainable. Sorry but parents inevitably age and die.

So people.should never change, grow, seek out new interests or people?

I think the issue is you OP.

This. People change and marriages change over time. He’s trying to include you, trying to bring you with him on this change. That’s a good thing for you and your marriage, if you want it to be.

I’m wondering if you met not long before or during Covid when everyone’s world was quiet and small. He’s just found out it doesn’t have to stay like that.

He wasn’t that happy then OP - maybe you meet him halfway, else I can’t see this marriage lasting. Sorry.

Just wanted to highlight the fact there are 4 different types of introvert. Social introvert, thinking introvert, Anxious introvert and Restrained introvert. They all have different traits but share a common theme of needing solitude to recharge. One person’s experience of introversion can be very different to another’s depending on what type they are. As an introvert myself my biggest challenge is all the extroverts trying to fix me! Rather than accepting it’s who I am. Nothings broken nothing needs fixing.

Perhaps part of the reason he was such a homebody and lived such a quiet life was because he didn't have people to do other things with. He probably was content to live a very small life-but he might not have been.

He is excited about trying some new things and is trying to take you with him not leave you behind. Try a restaurant with him, meet his new friends. Perhaps suggest a quietish place and only meeting two new people to start with.

You owe him to make a little effort. If you don't, he may move on without you. Your life will shrink even further minus him, his parents and his cousins.

But the OP’s husband doesn’t share this perspective.

Its fine to live a quiet and family oriented life if its what you have both chosen. Not fine to unilaterally impose this on a spouse who wants more from life.

I also think on your point about “healthiness”: theres is a huge amount of data that shows social isolation is a huge factor in shortening life. Its a major risk factor in dementia etc. To be blunt it is also a risk if the marriage fails if the OP has no other friends.

This doesn’t mean you have to be out drinking every night or going to expensive restaurants but I don’t think there’s any serious dispute that a life with some social variety is healthier than one centred around a small handful of family members.

Sorry but this sounds like a reverse as in ‘God I don’t want to have to go for tea and scones at his mothers every weekend’ but it seems you actually like this! Maybe he didn’t enjoy always seeing family and wants to broaden his horizons and make friends and see places! Sounds like you’re not compatible!