AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

As comforting as this sounds, it’s almost as though you’re stuck at childhood. Adults go out into the world and make new connections and have new experiences. There may be reasons you have to examine why you feel jolted by him wanting to do all this new stuff, new places, new people - be careful here, you may well be left behind.

Perfect for you maybe but clearly not for your DH.

I am not the most sociable person - have never liked parties for instance - and now we are older my husband goes out without me eg to the pub if I don't feel like it. He WFH and I don't work but we have lots of time apart.

But to never go anywhere except seeing family is extremely unusual and limited. You don't have a friend to have a cuppa with? You don't go to the cinema or theatre as a couple? You don't go out for meals alone or with others? And you've never had time apart?

He has realised what he's been missing . I think you will have to accept that and I think you are losing out by not compromising.

But do you find change really hard? Are you extremely anxious? Are you on the autism spectrum?

Seems he wasn't as happy with your life together as you thought he was and the new job has opened his eyes as to how life can be.
I understand it is a huge change for you but life doesn't stand still, don't get left behind

OP isn't even living like a hermit, or even spending any time alone so I don't think she sounds like an introvert. I'm an introvert. I need time on my own. If I had all day every day with my DH under my feet then every Saturday surrounded by my in laws and DHS nephews that's not any time on your own at all! OP sounds like someone who wants to make sure she is surrounded by familiar people at all times. That's not introversion. If she was, she'd be relieved when he buggered off somewhere and she could have time on her own not trot off for some scones with MIL!

Did you meet during COVID?

If London isn't for you why not suggest exploring less busy places?

No. It was clearly perfect for you.....and he went along with it. Your world was so small it's claustrophobic. That level of interdependency isn't normal or healthy. Effectively it's a cage you want him to live within and you try and spin it as a nice guilded one with people he loves and cream tea so that's ok......it's not. It's still a cage because you don't want him to live outside it. He's not out clubbing until 3am, he just wants to try a cafe or Korean BBQ. Shit I bet you £10 he mentions Padel next.... You have three options, keep your canary in its perfect cage, he'll be bored and resent you. Learn to fly with him. Set him free.

Good for him!

Your "perfect life" sounds dull and limiting - there's a whole world out there, go see it. He's inviting you to join him and you're not interested, it says more about you than him.

On the one hand I really get hating change, especially when you've got a situation that works well for you and makes you happy and it's over and gone forever. That's a hard thing to process.

On the other hand I can't help agree with a lot of PP. It is a very small and narrow life. These people won't be here for ever, even the younger folk are likely to want to start doing other things as they get older. This cosy lifestyle isn't sustainable and I think it's very sensible for your DP to be branching out and finding other people that he can have meaningful relationships with.

There’s nothing wrong with being introverted but equally there is nothing wrong with him discovering new things he likes. He’s inviting you along so he’s not leaving you behind or anything. You either give some of it a try or stay home. If you choose to stay home and aren’t happy with him still going out then you are unreasonable I’m afraid

This ‘social bubble’ you’re content with is all being well but what happens when your parents or DH parents are no longer around? What happens when these cousins move away or distance themselves for any reason?
This contentment that you’ve allowed to enclose you all does not appear healthy on the long term…..at some point individuals will find themselves quite alone and isolated. Your DH is simply opening social doors and seeing beyond this social bubble. Go with him and test the water OP, then decide

As an introvert, I understand how this arrangement sounds safe but as others have pointed out, it’s a very small, insular world, destined to get even smaller as parents age and inevitably die at some point. I realise that sounds really depressing but it’s true.

It might be difficult at first for you to meet new people but if you don’t try, your DH might start to resent you just as you’re now resenting him and his new job/new friends. If you’re not keen on much socialising, do it in stages - instead of a full day exploring whatever, commit to a half day. You might actually meet some amazing people and even if you don’t, you’ll expand your world beyond a small circle of family.

I’m an introvert too and need ‘recharge’ time so I manage social stuff in a way that suits me. It’s possible to have the best of both worlds.

We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins.

Gently, there is being introverted and then there is being depressed/anxious.

I am against wfh 100% of the time as I do not believe it does peoples MH any good.
He is living proof.
He is probably happier than he’s ever been.

Your issue is that to be happy, you always need to do things together.
Most couples do things together but they also have an entire personality away from their spouse.

Where are your friends and family?
You seem very dependent on him which isn’t healthy.

It’s fine for you to be an introvert and not want to go and meet his new friends but he’s an individual and is doing things that make him happy.
You just need to find your own hobbies that make you happy.

im also with your husband, your life sounds perfect for you , but you can’t stop him developing or having a life outside you and the family,

im sad for you you’re not open to new experiences, new people. But I’d urge you to try a little harder as I’m not sure how your marriage can survive.

and good for him , getting out there and doing new things,

Two people working from home all the time and spending all their free time together sounds incredibly stifling.

Do you have any hobbies of your own? Do you suffer from anxiety?

You don't have to accompany him on every outing he wants to go on, but why not try it from time to time? He shouldn't have to do all the compromising. You might enjoy yourself.

In my 17 year relationship we have changed many times. I am certainly not the same person I was 16 years ago, my goals and priorities are changed several times and so has my partners. You either accept that both of you will change and work through understanding the new versions of each he other, you will change too at some point, maybe you will never like crowds but there may be some other ways you change. He will again too. Or you decide that the changes have made you incompatible.
I do think that either you grow together or apart. People break up when they have grown apart.
this will now be your decision, are you willing to accept the new him and potential subsequent versions or not.
you can’t hold someone back from developing and growing,

if you don’t want to do the same things as him that’s fine but then find something you like, a book club or a walking group for example.
you can’t spend the rest of your life relying on tea and scones on a Saturday with his parents, they too will change and die one day. Then what are you left with. You and your husband, no friends, no family and no interests.

He is living his best life which he should, you only get on life and i suspect he wasn’t as happy as you think. He should still make an effort to visit his parents. I also think you 100% need to put your big girls pants on and join your husband, who knows you might even enjoy it. If you don’t start joining him 100% you will lose him. I hate crowds too but going somewhere busy to eat you can eat outside. If you want to save your marriage you need to start joining in.

You both need to compromise, it’s ok to mourn your previous routine but it’s also okay for him to want to do more.
Both have a think about how you can both be happy, maybe two weekends a month being in and seeing families and two weeks a month where he goes out with his work friends (you don’t have to go).

He wouldn’t have accepted a job with so much office time if he thought he’d hate it.

Regardless of whether you like it, he is enjoying being more social and doing new things. He will undoubtedly cross paths with someone similar in that respect the more he socialises and I wouldn’t be surprised if he begins to contemplate whether you both are no longer suited.

Its a crossroads, compromise and give it a go or wait for what I expect will be the inevitable.

Good one OP. Korean barbecue spot indeed!

In life, you either grow together with your partner or you grow apart. He’s trying to include you and you don’t want to. That’s ok, but your old life is gone. So either you make more effort to step out of your comfort zone and try new things, or you understand that you are likely to continue to grow apart. And in that, you will also loose all of those extended family members whose company you enjoy.

Him taking the job was a sign that he was thinking about a more varied life. You can have that together. As pp said it doesn't have to be loud busy places all the time.

Yes good point. She’s not really describing being introverted, as she’s always with him or family.

No siblings OP? Sounds like both sets of parents haven’t done a great job of cutting the apron strings.

Have you ever considered jumping sharks as a hobby @newlifeoldme

I think it is a really good one for a homebody who never wants a single thing in their life to change as an adult and wants to tie another adult to that lifestyle too without a care in the world for their personal development. .

You’ve had a lot of viewpoints so I won’t repeat other people’s - @WhatNoRaisins is probably closest to my view.

Something I do note though is that it is REALLY important not to get into the habit of discussing your h negatively with his mother behind his back. Maybe it wasn’t quite like it sounded but that really is the royal road to marital discord. It’s also I’m afraid a consequence of not having any friends at all except inside the families.

Labelling yourself an introvert and letting yourself off building any connections with the world is quite risky. You genuinely don’t have to join in your dh’s work socialising, though I would definitely try to if you can see your way to it. If you prefer hanging out with quieter people and less crowded hobbies there are plenty of ways to do that, to be physically active for your health and to contribute to your community.