AIBU to resent DH's new job and how he's changed?

[newlifeoldme]

DH and I have been married for 4 years, no kids, no plans there. We're homebodies. We were both always WFH and our social lives revolves around his parents, my parents, his cousins. It's not a lot but it was perfect for us and we could not be happier.

At the end of last year DH got a new hybrid role with a 30% pay raise that's 4 days at the office, 1 day WFH. Now I don't recognise him anymore. I don't like crowds. On multiple weekends he's been asking if we want to take a day trip down to go explore and cafe hop all over London. Sometimes he wants to go out with his new found friends. He's asked me along but I really don't want to go to restaurants or events with his friends.

Told him he's changed but he says that I should 'broaden my horizons too as the world is bigger than our house and family'. We were happy!!

Was at his parent's place alone last week because some of his friends found a new Korean BBQ spot they want to go to (he asked me to join but it's not my scene) and his mum also feels like he's distant now too. We used to visit his parents at least once or twice a week for tea. He's barely been here once in two months!!

AIBU to resent DH's new job? Don't even seem to recognise him now.

Just join him!

It sounds like it wasn’t perfect and he may have been waiting for something more. Most people wouldn’t be happy only visiting their parents on a weekend and doing little else. He’s gone for coffee and dinner with friends, it quite a normal thing to do and it’s unhealthy for you to make it seem so crazy.

Honestly the world you are describing as your “perfect” world before he got this new job sounds really stifling and limiting to me.

You seem a bit threatened by the idea that he has any kind of social life outside of his marriage and family and a bit controlling.

As others have said he is changing and developing, this is normal and healthy.

If you want your marriage to survive you have to allow him the space to be who he is and not try to constrain him to fit an idea of who you want him to be.

I'm guessing he was bored or getting bored with your old life. He's been offered something different through his new job and he's jumped at the opportunity to leave the boredom behind

This is difficult for you as you're obviously an introvert. If I were you I'd join in as often as I could because if you don't, I think the marriage is going to go downhill fast

its understandable to mourn things, but it’s not his job - the job has just given him a door into a new world that he obviously enjoys and wants.

Your life may have been perfect for him then, but not now - people do grow and change - in a relationship sometimes that isn’t in the same direction.

What you (or his family) can’t do is lay guilt on him by calling him distant or saying he’s changed - that isn’t fair as you’re suggesting it’s all bad. For him, this new world might be a brilliant and enriching experience.

I know that’s absolutely horrid and maybe confusing for you. I would try and either broaden your own horizons a little, doesn’t have to be full throttle into his world but going for a walk, coffee out etc with him. Meet him halfway.
if you can’t then I think you may need to think about how compatible you are,

Oh OP, I can see how this is sad for you. You need to find a balance that works for both of you, a mixture of the things you used to do and some new experiences too.

Have a conversation with him and there needs to be some balance

You can still go to wider families houses, just maybe not every week.

Its ok to widen experiences as a person, its healthy.

Tell him you are missing how things used to be, and maybe make more of an effort to go new places with him and his new friends. You might enjoy it once you are more comfortable with it

Or look into something you enjoy if you feel left behind, and see if there is a hobby group, or try something new.

Maybe suggest you do family together 2 weekends a month and other things the other 2 weekends.

Been let off the leash it seems

Maybe it was not so perfect for him after all.

This does sound like an inflection point in your relationship, you both need to sit down and talk honestly about how you feel.

I know this isn't very British but would you think about seeing a couple's counsellor for a few sessions to work it through?

Sorry, I have some questions:
How old were you when you met?
How old are you now?
Did you go to university/what level of social life have you had?
I think these are relevant to my answer. If you're 20-40 my answer is different to if you are older.

He’s clearly not introverted like yourself just previously he didn’t have an outlet and now he does.
How often is he going out? I’d say once a weekend and a couple nights a week is fine and you should work on accepting you are different.
if it’s more than that then you need a conversation about quality time together but you also need to accept that time spent together should be agreeable for both of you so you may need to compromise that sometimes you go out together.

There are many things you can do as an introvert while broadening your horizons a bit. Find some really cheap theatre tickets on TodayTix, then find a restaurant nearby. The only person you’d need to talk to is your husband. Have you ever acted like a tourist in your local area? Go and see obscure sites.

Life is very long, and cosy family weekends will still be there if you do a bit more, and you will have more to talk about with them, and look back upon when you are old.

Interesting one here. I am similar to your DH OP.

Admittedly with children I have been 'reined in' by my own desire to be home but I still go out a couple of times a month plus evening gym classes after kids are down etc and my husband just doesn't and doesn't want to. We have adapted and addressed this imbalance as a couple.
He does some hobbies at home (painting) but I am just more sociable.

A life of just socialising with your parents isn't wrong, but it it isn't normal for most and my guess is he's young. Adapt of the relationship is in trouble as you can't hold him back.

How old are you both?

He’s cut the apron strings OP. That’s normal. Most people do it as teens. You either go with him on his adventures or you stay behind having tea with his mum forever more. Your choice.

If that is all you’ve ever done and all you’ve ever known, it can feel like happiness because you don’t know any different. Sometimes you don’t even realise you were unhappy until later and you can look back retrospectively.

OP can feel blindsided but her husband might also not have intentionally lied to her. I do echo PPs though in that a person is going to change in marriage. I’m not the same person I was when I got married and neither is my husband. We have very different hobbies to when we got married. You have to try and change with your spouse. Try the things they like and if you don’t like them, find your own things with a bit of luck that you change in a similar direction.

OP you don’t have to do these things with him but your resentment is that you’re doing your old life without him because you do all the same things as before. You need to find your things, things that you like doing by yourself or with new friends. This doesn’t need to be going to the Korean BBQ place with his friends. In time, there might be a discussion about family time but you need to find out who you are outside of your husband being there all the time.

It sounds like he didn't really know any different & now he does he's embracing the opportunity.
Doesn't mean he loves you any less, just that he wants to widen his world.
Change is always a challenge, especially for the non instigator, but you need to find a balance otherwise he will feel stifled and like he can't win.

How old are you OP?

i have to be honest if you are young hanging around with family and never going out except to hang out at theirs is a very small life, especially if you are young. I’m in my 50s with kids and I moved to hybrid work friom WFH 18 months ago as I realised my world was shrinking and I realised it wasn’t healthy. I did still go out btw but I was becoming too comfortable not to if that makes sense. I actually think his life sounds a lot healthier than yours. I’m an introvert too, it doesn’t mean you have to live like a hermit.

Good for him.
You have one life @newlifeoldme and your partner is living it.
If you want your old life you have to consider it is over. He will find the opportunity to meet someone else happy to live like him.

OP I assume you are both still quite young. It sounds like your DH's new job has opened up a new life for him, it sounds great he has settled in and found a fun social group of people. I had a great job in my early twenties where I met some of my best lifelong friends.

Wanting to see people other than family and go out to restaurants and on day trips is perfectly normal and even beneficial to your relationship. It sounds like he wants more than the small quiet little life you have, who can blame him - most people would.

Relationships and what is important changes all the time, partners develop new hobbies, interests and friendship circles as life progresses. You don't need to be joined at the hip but you do need to be broadly on board or at least supportive of the kind of lives you both want to have. If you are unable or unwilling to even embrace some of his new found sociability then you need a big talk about how your lives will work going forward.

It sounds like he’s changed for the better. You wfh and the only time you really leave the house is to see your in laws? That’s not healthy. I can’t believe you went to see your in laws instead of a day trip with your husband and his friends.

she’s not saying it’s ‘crazy’, she’s saying it’s different from what it was.

Also being blunt it’s not a good idea for your social lives revolving round your parents, who one day in the future, won’t be there.

Why is it not healthy?