AIBU to expect my husband to learn basic household habits?

[edvardsghost]

Why are some men seemingly incapable of learning basic household habits?

Before you start saying "weaponised incompetence", I'm honestly not sure that's what this is... but I'm running out of other explanations. Am I being unreasonable/having unrealistic expectations?

My DH is a lovely man. Intelligent, successful at work, learns new systems and processes all the time, manages people, solves problems... yet somehow cannot consistently manage things like:

• putting used tissues straight in the bin instead of leaving them by the sink
• putting socks in the washing basket rather than wherever they happen to come off
• putting things back in the cupboard after using them
• putting his shoes in the shoe rack
• the list goes on….

I know some of it is probably down to his upbringing. His mum worked all the time and his dad was very hands-off, so he never really learned the basics of running a home. But like… at what point does that stop being an excuse?

I've asked nicely, explained why it bothers me, reminded him over and over again, lost my temper, left things where they are.……. nothing sticks!!!! can't imagine him repeatedly ignoring basic instructions from his boss or colleagues like this

Do some men just not see this stuff? Is it because they know someone else (me) will eventually sort it out?

Has anyone actually found a way to change this awful dynamic? Should I just accept that I’ll be reminding a grown man where the washing basket is for the rest of our lives? I’m exhausted!!!!

I know! It's like living with a teenager rather than a grown man you're supposed to be in equal partnership with. Mine has been known to use a plate for a sandwich or something and then just knock the crumbs off before putting it back in the cupboard. I managed to stop that carry on. But I think a lot of them just don't see it. It's just not that important to them.

But does he expect you to clear it up or is he happy with things being a bit untidy? I am quite untidy myself and would not enjoy being shouted at for this. There has to be a mutual agreement about household standards.

Mine is generally great but never puts the salt and pepper grinders back in the correct place (next to the spice rack against the wall, not in the middle of the worktop) and, never puts his coffee mug in the cupboard, just leaves it next to the kettle.

For your DH, I would throw all his stuff in the corner and refuse to help when he's lost his shoes. Socks can stay on the floor until he runs out as none have been laundered. You need to create sneaky inconvenience!

Start shoving them in his work bag 🤣

If you don't have kids with him @edvardsghost then thank your lucky stars, give him 3m to get his act together or leave. Don't procreate with this child who will be a crap father.

I hear you! I eventually stopped picking up my DH’s socks/pants. He then ran out of socks. Tough, if it isn’t in the basket, it doesn’t get washed. My latest whinge is leaving the breakfast dishes on top of, rather than inside, the dishwasher. Just why? He knows I won’t wash them up, they will go in the dishwasher. I can’t really complain, he does most of the cooking (I clear/wipe down the cooker/put leftovers away) and deals with the finances. He certainly does his fair share, but has probably never cleaned a toilet in his life. He never leaves a mess, but if I want a clean seat, I’d better clean it!

I think repeatedly reminding does ultimately work, but it’s pretty damn obvious and you shouldn’t have to keep saying it.

Didn't you notice any of this before the wedding?

You have my full sympathies! I have a DH exactly the same, plus he leaves every fucking drawer and cupboard open and used tea bags and fruit cuttings out on the side. God forbid he would ever put an empty milk bottle in the recycling or that plastic seal thing under the lid on opening a new bottle.
It drives me insane but I’ve never managed to cure him in 30 years.
I mean, he does have redeeming qualities (does all the cooking and food-shopping) and is pretty good at spring-cleaning and reorganising cupboards and going to the dump. Makes me endless drinks and snacks. Organises our social life and hosts large numbers with food and drink whilst I float around chatting.
But of course, clear it all up.

He’s interested in his job but not in you being a full human.

100% like living with a teenager! He gets mildly annoyed when I put dirty cups/glasses that he was “planning on using again later” in the dishwasher…

Institute a "have you checked the house for anything that isn't where it should be" after dinner each evening and get him to go around and clean up his stuff. Guarantee of you stick to that rule (which is pretty hard for him to reasonably argue with) he'll gradually get better at it...

Sorry but I don’t think he’s lovely and I never would have married him. Also, I found your post quite insulting towards decent men. Of course having a penis doesn’t mean you treat your loved ones as if they’re your slaves.

That’s the first unreasonable thing you’ve said. I keep a glass and a mug all day, reusing them.

Apart from that, sit him down. Tell him this is serious, that you can’t fancy someone who does basic adult tasks like a teenager. Warn him you will start putting grotty stuff in his work bag, on his pillow and in his place at the table.

is he by any chance dyslexic? these things are a very strong trait in people who are, they just don't see the logical path for such things. My friend can make a cup of tea and the teaspoon is left in one part of the kitchen, the milk bottle in another and the lid in a part of the kitchen that you have to wonder why he was even there! Also highly intelligent with a very successful technical career!

Not sure it sounds like weaponised incompetence, more like weaponised not giving a fuck.
He doesn't do it because you will and he DOESN'T CARE.

You’d really end a marriage because your husband leaves his socks on the floor? 😂

Of course he sees it. He just leaves it for you to clean up since he knows that's what you'll do as well as somehow make you think that expecting a grown man to clean up after himself is having unrealistic expectations.

If it involves his socks, his shoes etc leave them. It's his problem if he runs out of clean socks or can't find his shoes.

I don’t think you understand the level of untidy that he would be okay with… or what happens (in terms of untidiness) if I stop cleaning up. Having said that, I’m not a minimalist by any standards so I can put up with a bit of mess it’s more failing to do the basics that we have talked about SO many times that gets to me

Ffs, just after I pressed ‘send,’ to my previous post, I went into the kitchen to find an empty milk bottle (plus the fucking plastic seal for the new one) on the table. “Finished with this, have you?” was met with a raised eyebrow and, “Finished that coffee I just made you?”

No. But because he does not see his wife as an equal.

How was he when he was alone?

I can see some friends who would drive me utterly insane, not just men frankly. I don't care in their house, I am a guest, but if they were living in MINE, I would explode: the pile of clothes waiting to be folded and put away, the pile of post and random paper just doing nothing, drying rack and a full one next to the sink and so on. Coats on the stairs, things and things on surfaces, stuff everywhere.
They're happy in their own home, great.
We would not make a happy couple 😂

I think there need to be a compromise when you live with someone, and be a bit respectful of both sides, but you also need to be realistic.

MY own basic is what others call "frantically running around to make the house marginally visitor-ready". You can't really expect either side to change personality.

It's about the lack of respect and consideration. I wouldn't stay married to a man like that if he didn't change either.

Though I likely wouldn't have married him in the first place if he thought my job included picking up his socks.

I think that they genuinely don't understand.
Their brains only register it when something reaches a critical point.

My DH is the same, he has got better since I refused to wash anything that wasn't in a basket, but shoes left all over the house are the bane of my life (especially as DCs have now picked up this habit). Part of it is I think he's happier with mess than I am but we do however strongly suspect he has ADHD.

https://www-huffpost-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink

Send him this article. Not because you are threatening to divorce him, but because he needs to understand how this makes you feel.

He gets mildly annoyed when I put dirty cups/glasses that he was “planning on using again later” in the dishwasher…

This though would annoy me in his place. I like the work saving of refilling a glass. I get frustrated when people take mine away too early and make work because I dirty another. I think the two of you need to sit down and decide together which habits are okay and which aren't.

And then work on making them habits so you don't have to think about them. e.g. I never think about putting dirty socks in the laundry bin, because I do it on autopilot. But I've got lazy about taking dirty plates through to the kitchen. And I've only myself to do it for. I do it for the other person if I live with someone.

Actively recognising that I want to skip flossing for example, but I've decided that I'll do it and there's nothing that makes tonight special so I just need to do it is the mindset shift you need. Then it becomes less of a hump to get over