AIBU to expect my husband to learn basic household habits?

[edvardsghost]

Why are some men seemingly incapable of learning basic household habits?

Before you start saying "weaponised incompetence", I'm honestly not sure that's what this is... but I'm running out of other explanations. Am I being unreasonable/having unrealistic expectations?

My DH is a lovely man. Intelligent, successful at work, learns new systems and processes all the time, manages people, solves problems... yet somehow cannot consistently manage things like:

• putting used tissues straight in the bin instead of leaving them by the sink
• putting socks in the washing basket rather than wherever they happen to come off
• putting things back in the cupboard after using them
• putting his shoes in the shoe rack
• the list goes on….

I know some of it is probably down to his upbringing. His mum worked all the time and his dad was very hands-off, so he never really learned the basics of running a home. But like… at what point does that stop being an excuse?

I've asked nicely, explained why it bothers me, reminded him over and over again, lost my temper, left things where they are.……. nothing sticks!!!! can't imagine him repeatedly ignoring basic instructions from his boss or colleagues like this

Do some men just not see this stuff? Is it because they know someone else (me) will eventually sort it out?

Has anyone actually found a way to change this awful dynamic? Should I just accept that I’ll be reminding a grown man where the washing basket is for the rest of our lives? I’m exhausted!!!!

my question was, why should all the efforts be made towards ONE partner?

Why should the "tidy house" be the standard?

Don't get me wrong, I am biased here 😂, I hate mess, I hate tidying up, I haven't got time for that crap, I much rather waste time even on here, I refuse to come back from work and spend time catching-up, so my house is always tidy.

But why are the tidy people RIGHT and the messy ones wrong? It obviously bother a lot of women to have to put their laundry away every day, or tidy up?

My DH is bloody amazing and really really pulls his weight. I've just used a Sharpie to write on the washing machine bottles which draw they go in because no matter how many times I tell him he just cannot wrap his head around it and I'm sick of going to hang dirty washing up because he's washed them in conditioner.

Before he was your husband, he was your boyfriend. Presumably you lived together for a period? Part of that upbringing you refer to that contributes to his habits were formed and solidified with you.

Me, I'm the one wiping down the kitchen worktops so I get to decide that clutter in the middle of a worktop is banned.

DH does the grass cutting and garden maintenance so gets to decide where everything goes in the shed.

Not specifically mentioned in my house deeds though, it does mention not being allowed to dye cloth in the garden and no chickens to be kept but sadly hasn't drilled down to the level of kitchen worktop paraphernalia.

Most of these depend on whether he doesn’t do it at all or just does it later. You don’t HAVE to put your tissues in the bin right away or your socks in the hamper right away, or even shut the cupboard door right away. I’ll put the tissues in the bin next time I get up or take the socks with me next time I go upstairs. I’ll even leave the cupboard door open and close it when I leave the kitchen. None of these things harm anyone at the end of the day. A lot of women have an expectation these things must be done RIGHT NOW and to them I would say chill out.
Now if he’s leaving these things and expecting someone else to pick up after him then fair enough, that’s a different story altogether.

Wow! So it’s all op’s fault and responsibility?

How about her dh actually making a bit of effort and showing a bit of respect?

I get passive aggressive after a while and just pile stuff on top of his laptop in his office!

I know I shouldn’t have to, but it makes me feel better and I’m also not tidying his shit away.

Im also making sure that both DS and DD know how to do all household stuff, told them they don’t want to be the flatmate no one wants to share with when they get older! I’m having a lovely summer hols, one of them in charge of kitchen tidying, one in charge of laundry, both to get involved with cooking and then we’ll tackle deep clean of bathrooms later!

Maybe if you spelt it drawer he would know what you’re talking about.

Because it leaves a mess for other people to tidy up. If someone lives alone, they can knock themselves out be he knows that there isn't a magic sock fairy picking up his dirty socks for him.

It is disrespectful.

But isn’t that exactly the point? People care about what they care about. If we go with the stereotyes - Women, in general, care about a tidy home. In your example Men care about a tidy car. Many men simply don’t care enough about a tidy home to put much effort in. It simply isn’t an issue for them.

I do most of the stuff in your list but luckily my DH isn’t uptight

I don't disagree wit your point, I just refuse to live like that 😂
I don't want to see a mess, think about a mess, I deal with things immediately and they're done. It takes the same time to put the socks in the basket than on the floor, and then I don't have to come back and deal with it again.

I don't want to see dirty socks, or open cupboards etc.
I clean for me, not frantically for some last-minute visitor.

However, the main reason many women want things done "right now" is that no-one else will do it, and it's ANOTHER thing for them to do anyway.

I know you said he can accept extremely high levels of untidiness. But does he really?
He doesn’t mind tge messyes
But he also doesn’t mind having no clean socks? No clean glasses or cups?

Id be tempted to tidy up as you normally but put socks in a basket (not the laundry basket), cups in a bassin (not to be ready to be washed)

Because let’s be honest, it’s not just the mess. You’re also ensuring he has clean clothes to wear too. Clean glasses and plates etc….

And I am sure the doesn’t do the washing, deal with the dishwasher/washing up etc either? Or run the hoover?

You’re unreasonable for having married him in the first place.

Putting a used tissue in the bin is basic toddler stuff.

Of course it's weaponised incompetence. Would he take customers / employees into a meeting room with manky used tissues lying around? Would he leave dirty socks lying around in the office? Of course not. It either doesn't bother him or he knows you'll do it. But if it doesn't bother him, he should put this stuff away because it's a tiny job and it bothers you. So either way, he is showing you huge disrespect as he is either disrespecting your wishes or disrespecting your time.

I'd be moving him into the spare room and dumping all his manky dirty stuff on his bed. Or dump everything of his in one giant bucket. Or demanding that he attended counselling so he can explain to a third party why he thinks you should clean up his shit

you are missing the point. Some people do not tidy up, do not expect others to tidy up, they're just messy.

It's not men vs women, some men are much more rigid and tidy than anyone else. Not all single mothers are super tidy either (single mother, meaning no man around one way or another).

Compromise need to be made, but both ways?

😂 he would come back with the most ridiculous things if I did this, I am so sure of that, but might try this in the future! Thanks!

If anyone pretends that "women" are tidy, they've never been in a female toilet or an office kitchen in a female environment. Women can be just as bad as men, bad enough at work, so who knows what state their own home might be!

🤣🤣 sorry I didn't realise my work was going to be getting marked. And he's dyslexic so no it wouldn't help.

Just keep telling him what to do - he might get fed up with it and then you can tell him the solution there is for him to do these basic things. It is a matter of respect for other people. He is not a pig living in a sty.

BRILLIANT solution!

My DH used to leave the kitchen cupboard doors open, Drove me mad, I asked, begged, cajoled, shouted, cried, everything, but for some reason, he just kept doing it. I honestly think he didn't realise he was doing it, he just didn't have close kitchen cupboard doors programmed into his routine.

Anyway, one day I stopped closing them after him, it took less than a week before he walked into one and knocked himself senseless. He closes them now.

The difference is you said you would deal with it when you moved. The OPs husband/my ex would leave the sweaty smelly socks or snotty wet tissues for days (weeks once when I did an experiment. The disgusting piles just grew). That is just gross, childish and disrespectful to others living in the same house.

Do you go in the shed and use the tools in there as often as your husband goes in the kitchen and uses the salt and pepper grinders?

Or is it more that while the kitchen is a shared space, you have unilaterally decreed it must be organised how you want it and anyone deviating from that is therefore Canonically Wrong?

Mmm. Let's see. So, she meets, dates, and moves in with a guy that doesn't have basic household manners which both exhausts and infuriates her. She picks up after him for that cohabitation period, and then marries him, only later asking why he can't pick up after himself.

May it not have been a wiser cause of action to demand that her cohabitating boyfriend 'make a bit of effort and show a bit of respect' - as you put it - before marrying the fellow?

This is how these husbands are made.