AIBU to expect my husband to learn basic household habits?

[edvardsghost]

Why are some men seemingly incapable of learning basic household habits?

Before you start saying "weaponised incompetence", I'm honestly not sure that's what this is... but I'm running out of other explanations. Am I being unreasonable/having unrealistic expectations?

My DH is a lovely man. Intelligent, successful at work, learns new systems and processes all the time, manages people, solves problems... yet somehow cannot consistently manage things like:

• putting used tissues straight in the bin instead of leaving them by the sink
• putting socks in the washing basket rather than wherever they happen to come off
• putting things back in the cupboard after using them
• putting his shoes in the shoe rack
• the list goes on….

I know some of it is probably down to his upbringing. His mum worked all the time and his dad was very hands-off, so he never really learned the basics of running a home. But like… at what point does that stop being an excuse?

I've asked nicely, explained why it bothers me, reminded him over and over again, lost my temper, left things where they are.……. nothing sticks!!!! can't imagine him repeatedly ignoring basic instructions from his boss or colleagues like this

Do some men just not see this stuff? Is it because they know someone else (me) will eventually sort it out?

Has anyone actually found a way to change this awful dynamic? Should I just accept that I’ll be reminding a grown man where the washing basket is for the rest of our lives? I’m exhausted!!!!

Do you come home every day after work? If you do then you can’t compare yourself to his mum.

Well.. this escalated quickly!

edvardsghost

I work yes- I don’t know what you mean by that? (Honestly!) I work evenings or nights sometimes, every weekend too

I just mean that it sounds like you’re at home - with your children - at some point each day. You speak to them on a daily basis. They see you, you see them.

His mum would be away working during the weeks, sometimes abroad. You can’t teach your kids house work if you’re not around.

His dad is equally to blame since although he was “at home” (also had a job) he was hands-off and conflict averse (can’t teach kids lessons if you constantly try to avoid conflict).

I can assure you I’m not man hating. If I was I wouldn’t have married a man…

If you can’t understand how frustrating - and inefficient - it is to have to look for socks all over the house before loading the washing machine then I’m not sure what to tell you.

I’ve got shit to do and things I want to achieve each day, but when there are lots of small things I have to sort out first because DH “forgets” to do it or “doesn’t realise it bothers me” (even though we’ve talked about it lots of times) it makes me want to scream.

PPs have said just don’t do it but it’s not great cooking my own lunch with a bunch of flies in the kitchen because the rubbish from last night’s dinner prep is on the kitchen counter still. So I clear it because if I don’t it makes my day so much worse.

At the end of the day this is a forum for women and although you’re welcome here it’s not exactly surprising that it’s a place where women moan and vent about struggles they’re having with men in their lives

Put everything he leaves out on his pillow.

If he leaves mugs in his office - put them on his pillow. If he moves them to the bedroom floor - put them back on his pillow. He'll get the message and it's fun too!

Is it my imagination or do some folks not see the humour behind many of these replies? Such seriousness indeed???? I get a good laugh from much of the Mumsnet site and it allows people to vent.

Socks not in the washing basket? - Not washed, so no socks until they are in the basket.

Tissues on the side? leave them there until they no longer stay on the side and he can't simply put another one on.

Mugs left around? Put them all in his office so he can reuse to hearts desire

Shoes left out? Have a dramatic fall whilst carrying his most precious item - bonus if it breaks!

Some people (not just men) don't see issue until an issue actually arises. Of course you will have to grit teeth and bare all these issues until he finally realises you aren't just going to sort it out for him. Because your quicker to sort it out, he's never learnt what happens if he doesn't do it.

Shit short term, long term win!

Throwing a used, snotty tissue in the bin is one of the most basic of standards.

Yeah yeah #namalt (look it up if you're not aware).

Maybe #namalt. But all men benefit from the tiptoe-ing around the male ego that all women are forced to learn to do from before they are teens, because of the way that society is structured around men, a huge proportion of whom exploit women and who can and do hurt women all the time.

If you're so pissed off at being tarred with the same brush, do something about it. Advocate for women.

Literally every woman here knows that the men who shriek #namalt when they're forced to confront how women actually live, and the impact that men have on them, and what they therefore think of men generally - these are red flag men.

The good ones take it as an opportunity for self-reflection and change.

And yes, 'socks!'. Socks, and similar are what, eventually, make us realise that you don't see us as fully human but as domestic service peripherals who are here to make your life possible.

If you're genuinely not like that, which I doubt from everything I've read - great. You are now someone who treats women like humans. It's a low bar, but well done, back pat/head pat to you for reaching minimum ethical standards.

You are undrtestimating the tissue issue. We can tower things up in ways which break laws of physics when needs be. 👀 I am master bin staffer as well.

But I agree with the washing! If it's not in a basket, it's not getting washed.

I wouldn't spend time searching for his socks. That's on him if they dont get washed.

Flies in the kitchen is gross. Does he cook dinner every night or is this somewhere you do together? My DH will cook and I'll clean up or vice versa.

Bullshit excuse. My mum literally left me as a child and I was raised by my father. He had to work all the hours under the sun meaning I had no one there to teach me how to do things yet i learned because else I didn’t eat or didn’t have clean bed sheets etc.

Face facts that your husband is lazy and incompetent. I’m sure he doesn’t walk around leaving dirty tissues everywhere in his work place and he’s competent and a fully grown adult there.

It is quite unusual to not have a parent or carer around enough to teach life skills. Certainly not enough to account for the swathes of incompetent men we read about on MN.

I can see where you are coming and I’m sorry your mum left you, that’s really awful. I’m happy that you were able to learn useful skills for life despite the circumstances.

In my DHs case although his mum was an absentee parent in some ways, she was still usually around on weekends which reinforced all these behaviours (since she would provide positive reinforcement when home and try to pick up tasks like tidying his room or doing his laundry “to make up for” not being around all the time). I don’t remember if I said this already but she still asks him if he’s brought any laundry for her to do when we visit…

Personally, I would treat him the same way I did my teenagers.
If they left their clothes, tissues, shoes etc, anywhere around the house they didn't belong, I would collect them up and dump everything on their beds.
Granted, your husband's bed is highly likely also yours, but I'd dump it all on his side of the bed and keep doing so until he learns to put stuff where it belongs.
My teenagers soon got sick of finding their beds covered in the detritus and started putting stuff away!

Unfortunately it's not just men 🤷🏼‍♂️ My partner is exactly the same. We used to live together, we don't any more because I would have ended up doing 10 to life for murder.

She get's undressed at night and just leaves her trousers on the floor where they fall, socks are the same. The only difference being, she'll often wear the same trousers the next day but never the same socks, so it was me who always put them in the wash basket. Same with t-shirts etc. They'd end up on the floor or a chair, and I'd end up putting them in the wash basket. Cups, and plates etc would end up on the kitchen side 'near' the sink, but not 'in' the sink. Things would be left out on the side after she'd used them and then had gone to sit down, and eventually, after she'd returned to the kitchen, but not put anything away, I'd end up doing it. There was loads more. Like you said, the list goes on. She turned out to have undiagnosed ADHD, (now diagnosed), but I'm unsure if that had any impact on her not being able to learn basic household habits. I know it impacts her ability to tidy. But she never learnt and I couldn't live like that, so... 🤷🏼‍♂️