AIBU to expect my husband to learn basic household habits?

[edvardsghost]

Why are some men seemingly incapable of learning basic household habits?

Before you start saying "weaponised incompetence", I'm honestly not sure that's what this is... but I'm running out of other explanations. Am I being unreasonable/having unrealistic expectations?

My DH is a lovely man. Intelligent, successful at work, learns new systems and processes all the time, manages people, solves problems... yet somehow cannot consistently manage things like:

• putting used tissues straight in the bin instead of leaving them by the sink
• putting socks in the washing basket rather than wherever they happen to come off
• putting things back in the cupboard after using them
• putting his shoes in the shoe rack
• the list goes on….

I know some of it is probably down to his upbringing. His mum worked all the time and his dad was very hands-off, so he never really learned the basics of running a home. But like… at what point does that stop being an excuse?

I've asked nicely, explained why it bothers me, reminded him over and over again, lost my temper, left things where they are.……. nothing sticks!!!! can't imagine him repeatedly ignoring basic instructions from his boss or colleagues like this

Do some men just not see this stuff? Is it because they know someone else (me) will eventually sort it out?

Has anyone actually found a way to change this awful dynamic? Should I just accept that I’ll be reminding a grown man where the washing basket is for the rest of our lives? I’m exhausted!!!!

To me it feels like a lack of respect for you. He drops things wherever, secure in the knowledge that you’ll pick up behind him. He’s treating you like an unpaid maid. Even more disrespectful is that you’ve told him it bothers you yet he continues knowing you aren’t happy.

Ask yourself what that says about how much he cares for and respects you.

This is why I prefer to live alone. Not because I'm like you, but because I'm more like your husband (I am female). Because I live alone, I'm not leaving stuff for anyone else to do. But, if I did decide to live with someone, why should I have to change how I am just in case they think I'm leaving it for them to do! I'd find that quite stressful tbh. There's an assumption there which I'm not sure is always correct. I certainly wouldn't have the intention of someone doing things for me, but I will get to it in my own time.

Living with someone involves compromise, hence why I don't! But it isn't a man/woman thing. I wouldn't say I don't "see" what needs doing. I just don't see it as a priority. My head just says "I'll sort that out later".

I did actually try being super neat and tidy. I found that I weirdly felt quite restless and stressed when everything was done. It just didn't feel "right". I'm more relaxed with a "lived in" approach.

I'm not sure what the answer is for you if you've tried everything. I suspect that eventually you'll have just had enough and end the marriage.

I love how fascinated you are with the minutiae of my home life!

I'm in the shed as often as him, probably more often. My bike is in there along with some chemicals I use for hobbies.

This thread has made me realise I'm a man.

I live alone though, disclaimer! Much more considerate when I lived with others.

Tell him 'you treating me like your mother is going to kill our marriage' and see if he can be arsed after that.

I said some men. Learn to read. Thanks!

He doesn't care about the socks, cups whatever and he doesn't share your values around keeping the home and your 'discussions' have not been actual discussions just you explaining what you want, him agreeing in order to keep you happy (because I'm sure he does care for you) but not changing his values or beliefs about the importance of socks, cups or whatever.

I use the same cup all day for tea - or at least for half a day or so, same for teaspoons etc. I also hate if they go straight in the dishwasher; I don't need six fresh cups and teaspoons in a working day.. it's wasteful.

There needs to be a genuine compromise and conversation about the home, some people are more tidy than others, some are tidy as they go and others prefer to blast it at the end of the day or once a week. Obviously a tidy as you go neat person isn't going to be able to live with a once a week blast and chaos between person without one or both of them changing or one becoming a skivvy but I do think BOTH should compromise and listen to the other.

I don’t agree with that statement. Men and women are socialised to expect that women do the bulk of domestic chores. There are plenty of men who care about a tidy home but a proportion of them don’t see it as their job to achieve it.

For balance - DH is tidier than me in a lot of ways and he does see it as an equal job for both of us. He is just as likely to mop the floor or put on the washing as me so men are perfectly capable of seeing mess and fixing it.

My DH is like this, but it doesn't bother me. I think there are more important things to worry about, so I don't sweat the small stuff.

He might be actually. Is that worth looking into for an adult? How would they test that at this stage, since he “is able to read fine” given career progression?

I'm bemused by the idea that one person in a relationship feels justified in claiming a given shared space and decreeing that not only must items in it rest in particular positions, but anyone deviating from that plan is automatically wrong.

I prefer a bit more compromise and acceptance in a relationship but if that works for your marriage then you do you.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P7rxffqBmow&pp=ygUbbWljaGFlbCBtY2ludHlyZSBkaXNod2FzaGVy&ra=m

this Michael McIntyre complication might be relevant!

Yeah this is quite common here too. Like the fact a good deed was done means you can skip the basics

I take photos of whatever it is, like a pair of boxers discarded next to the washing bin, and send them to him with a caption like "another nail in the marriage coffin".

Absolutely bizarre!

🤣 to the Sixth Sense reference.

Yes he has lived alone and his room was very messy then too.

Infuriating.
our glasses have our names on.

My teenage children help out with chores and keep things tidy, they clean their own rooms and communal ones.
As their mother I have brought them up from an early age to help around the house - I see my role as a mother to teach them how to keep house, not to do everything for them.
Treating someone ‘like your mother’ means you are going to do things to help them, not expect them to tidy up after you!

Stop doing it for him . . . at the moment there are no consequences.

This is very dramatic. I’ll pass on this, thanks though!

Pretty sure my DP thinks all this stuff about me, tbh. I’m a woman. I don’t really notice this sort of thing until it becomes a big deal.

My two year old DS drops his dirty clothes over the stair gate I have between the living room and kitchen, I'd expect a grown man to put his socks in the washing basket! (My washing basket is in the kitchen.)

He’s just lazy and can’t be bothered.

My mother was a workaholic who’d never step foot at home if she could and we didn’t turn out like that. My partner has ADHD and had a sorry excuse of a mother and also sorted his habits out once he grew up and realised it wasn’t okay.

If I let things slip it’s only a matter of time before we end up in hoarder house territory

"How would they test that at this stage, since he “is able to read fine” given career progression?"

When I was in juniors, they told my mum not to teach me to read as they an a new method for reading that had been brought it, she did as they asked untill they put me in a remedial group for reading, she then got out a MASSIVE book, the home lawyer and proceded to teach me to read, I dont remember being in the remedial group for more than a week.. I could read,

On to secondary school, my spelling and handwriting is atrocious, my reading age being 2-3 years above the rest of the class. One parent evening my english teacher told my mom that there was a new thing called word blindness that had been discovered and she thinks I may have it, my mum asked what could be done about it, teacher answered nothing theres no money for it, I belive "word blindness" went on to be dyslexia, - being good at reading, doesnt rule out being dyslexic - im also messy, no matter how hard I try i dont SEE it.