AIBU to expect my husband to learn basic household habits?

[edvardsghost]

Why are some men seemingly incapable of learning basic household habits?

Before you start saying "weaponised incompetence", I'm honestly not sure that's what this is... but I'm running out of other explanations. Am I being unreasonable/having unrealistic expectations?

My DH is a lovely man. Intelligent, successful at work, learns new systems and processes all the time, manages people, solves problems... yet somehow cannot consistently manage things like:

• putting used tissues straight in the bin instead of leaving them by the sink
• putting socks in the washing basket rather than wherever they happen to come off
• putting things back in the cupboard after using them
• putting his shoes in the shoe rack
• the list goes on….

I know some of it is probably down to his upbringing. His mum worked all the time and his dad was very hands-off, so he never really learned the basics of running a home. But like… at what point does that stop being an excuse?

I've asked nicely, explained why it bothers me, reminded him over and over again, lost my temper, left things where they are.……. nothing sticks!!!! can't imagine him repeatedly ignoring basic instructions from his boss or colleagues like this

Do some men just not see this stuff? Is it because they know someone else (me) will eventually sort it out?

Has anyone actually found a way to change this awful dynamic? Should I just accept that I’ll be reminding a grown man where the washing basket is for the rest of our lives? I’m exhausted!!!!

None of the things you've described are beyond the pale. I'm an untidy person and I do most of them. None of it matters. DH is more tidy with me but he accepts a certain level of untidiness that comes with marrying me (on my part I've improved a lot since I first met him).

That last bit is the key - DH and I knew what we were both like before we even lived together, let alone got married. We compromised and adjusted accordingly and now we're married we accept that this level of mess - more than he would like but less than I'd be comfortable with - as the default.

You seem surprised to only discover after you married him that he's messy?!

Who decided that the "correct" place for the salt and pepper grinders is next to the wall? Was it written in the deeds to the house?

It’s because there’s no consequences. At work, if you keep repeatedly doing a thing you’ve been asked to not do, theres going to be issues.

At home, I guess he knows deep down that you’ll clear it up anyway. My brother is very much like this. Holds down a big job, leads a big team but somehow is unable to put a teabag in the bin or shut a drawer after he’s opened it. We used to joke it was like the scene in Sixth Sense (the movie) where Toni Collette’s character walks into the kitchen to find that a ‘ghost’ has left all the drawers and cupboard doors open.

Has he ever lived alone? Did he do this when living solo? What would happen if you grifted your teeth for a week or two and stopped clearing up after him. Leave his stuff where he drops it. Would he notice?

Of course they do.

Having a penis doesn't suddenly make someone incapable of knowing that dirty socks go in the washing basket. Even my 3 year old knows that.

I can see where you are coming from but allow me to clarify: he doesn’t just have one glass/mug that he uses all day (and then puts in the dishwasher). He takes hot/cold drinks with him into his home office. They accumulate in there. At the same time he keeps one or two in the kitchen for when he passes through and fancies a drink.

I can't comprehend why people can't make their bed. Get up, straighten sheets, open the windows for an hour while you get ready, then make the bed and close windows. That's less than 2 minutes of your day.

I don't think that people who can't be bothered are wrong. They do what they want in their own home

(my kids will do whatever they want in their home, but my house my rule for now 😂)

Who decides who's right or wrong in their own bedroom?

Wrong would be refusing to change the bedsheets, because nowhere is it netogiable.

Yet they can hold down a job, drive a car etc. I bet some of these blokes will have a spotless car or organised hobby/sports stuff or manage multiple small tasks in work perfectly successfully. What do you think it is about this mundane domestic tasks that is so different?

Thank god someone's already written this.

Do you know what me and my partner do if one of us leaves a mess and the other points it out? We apologise and make a concerted effort to do better and we actually DO BETTER sure sometimes you slip up but you can set phone reminders, put up post its... all sorts. Lots of people say they'll remember next time and then do fuck all proactively to make sure they actually remember.

I second this. Either he grows up and behaves like a responsible adult or you split. The frustration and resentment will build up anyway so it's just a matter of when, not if.

but the point is, why should they care?

Don't get me wrong, I do. But a lot of people, men and women, do not care about being tidy. Is there really a valid reason why they should?

Now if he expects someone to do his laundry for him and collect his crap from the floor, he's an arse. He could also make an effort for his wife.

But who decides really who is right who is wrong?
I am sure some people find my house "too tidy" because I like clean empty spaces.

DH is the same. Drives me absolutely mental that he can't put shoes/socks/belts away and leaves them where he takes them off. Glasses put down where he finished them, mugs on every surface. I honestly don't think that it enters his head that they don't belong there and it's certainly not weaponised.

So I take the clothing/shoes and put them into a random cupboard where it takes him ages to find them. It's very rewarding hearing him crashing around opening/banging doors shut on his little mission. You'd think that after 35 years together, he'd have learned..... but nope, his training is still ongoing.

For the record- absolutely would not end my marriage over this, that’s insane!

I have two glasses and three mugs on various surfaces in my home office. They belong exactly where I put them. I also have a pile of clothes on the floor. I'll move them to the laundry basket, and take the mugs downstairs, in the fullness of time, at a moment convenient for me. They're not my number one priority.

Fussing over everything having to be put away immediately goes over untidy people's heads because fundamentally we disagree that it actually matters.

Ahh OP, I have had this conversation many times with my friends and mother. My partner is the same. Never thinks of putting a wash on or running the hoover around. I honestly think he thinks the house does these things itself 🙈 i was never taught how to clean and organise, you just learn through observation.
My partners mum has driven me mad many times as she will say that 'men just dont see these things' and it's 'a woman's job' (yes it boils my blood! We've had many disagreements about feminism lol
she is very old gashiiomed and was shocked that DP changed tje kids nappies and got up to to bottle feeds when they were babies!).
My partner does the cooking but not good at cleaning up as he cooks so kitchen looks like it's been hit by a bomb by the time the meal is ready. Also incapable of sticking to a meal plan and likes to be 'spontaneous' then wonders why all the ingredients he wants are not in the fridge!
I blame years of social conditioning! I spend hours cleaning and my life has been taken over with the laundry since having twins, while my DP just chills out happily oblivious. I think for your own sanity you just have to roll your eyes, let it go and just get in the habit of leaving a VERY CLEAR to do list for him or it just isn't going to work out.
It's a mystery why so many men are like this isn't it 🤦‍♀️

Not always due to upbringing. My partners parents were incredibly neat and tidy. I used to watch in amusement whenever we visited how careful he was to live by their rules. At home, everything is left at his arse, waiting for the magical cleaning fairy to clean up after him.

People are as lazy as we allow them to be.

Very old fashioned I meant to say. Sorry, got a bit carried away with my rant 🤣

Was he always like this?

But his partner DOES care, and he knows she cares. Surely we want to make our partners happy (or at least not actively annoy them)
Making small adjustments to make make each other happy is about growing together as a couple.
Making no effort, or worse ignoring your partners point of view, is disrespectful and ultimately likely to lead to an unhappy relationship (or no relationship).

Its not about the socks! It's about listening to them when they tell you its bothering them and not dismissing their feelings.

my bf does this and blames it on his ADHD, i think he’s just a lazy prick

Its about consideration, and that goes for both partners.

So are you saying your DH does all the cleaning? If so that’s amazing and congratulations!

I think it’s normal to have different expectations on a university student versus a 40 year old man. I’ve obviously also not listed every single thing (that’s why I said “the list goes on”) because I was hoping people could extrapolate…

When you've had conversations about this, has he agreed to make changes but failed to follow through? Or has he pushed back, saying that prefers his methods and habits to yours and wishes to continue as he is? E.g., if he gets mildly annoyed when I put dirty cups/glasses that he was “planning on using again later” in the dishwasher, I'd expect he would tell you this as part of the conversation and perhaps the two of you could compromise on something like a specific place for dishes that will be reused throughout the day, but they go in the dishwasher before bedtime. But if he's mainly yes yes yes-ing when it's discussed and not acting, I'd suspect he's either tuning you out when these topics come up or he just doesn't care.

There's a structural problem because he has a higher tolerance for mess than you do. Apart from the odd inconvenience to him like your putting items in the dishwasher when he wants to reuse them, he probably minds your cleaning and tidying much less than you mind his mess and disorder. You don't want to (and shouldn't have to ) direct and police his activities like he's a small child, or to actively make it more uncomfortable for him to slob around than to pick up after himself, but if you've been open to discussion and compromise and he refuses to make even small changes for the good of the household and for your comfort and peace of mind, then he is essentially forcing you into that pseudo-parental role. Why he does this, only he can say.

What was he like when you met him and fell in love with him?
Was he a tidy person then?
Did you live together with him before you married him?

These threads are always very similar

untidy man and tidy woman - he’s an arse For being messy

tidy man and untidy woman - he’s an arse for being controlling

I understand all the posters saying they wouldn’t put up with it but tbh mine is a bit like this too, although he is great at many other things. Nagging / getting cross just frustrated us both - maybe he doesn’t see the hidden work I do at home, but maybe I don’t always appreciate the little things he does to make my life easier, like topping up screen wash in my car etc.

Anyway if I’m fed up I just don’t pick up the slack as much. Dirty stuff left in gym bag? Oh dear, pretend I haven’t seen it. He learnt to start sorting it out the first time he had no clean kit.

I suspect some of us (not all!) fall into the trap of doing things for our partners when we are dating as we aren’t having to do it all the time & we enjoy taking care of them. Then they get used to us doing it & it’s less fun when you’re married and trying to keep on top of a family home!