AIBU to expect my husband to learn basic household habits?

[edvardsghost]

Why are some men seemingly incapable of learning basic household habits?

Before you start saying "weaponised incompetence", I'm honestly not sure that's what this is... but I'm running out of other explanations. Am I being unreasonable/having unrealistic expectations?

My DH is a lovely man. Intelligent, successful at work, learns new systems and processes all the time, manages people, solves problems... yet somehow cannot consistently manage things like:

• putting used tissues straight in the bin instead of leaving them by the sink
• putting socks in the washing basket rather than wherever they happen to come off
• putting things back in the cupboard after using them
• putting his shoes in the shoe rack
• the list goes on….

I know some of it is probably down to his upbringing. His mum worked all the time and his dad was very hands-off, so he never really learned the basics of running a home. But like… at what point does that stop being an excuse?

I've asked nicely, explained why it bothers me, reminded him over and over again, lost my temper, left things where they are.……. nothing sticks!!!! can't imagine him repeatedly ignoring basic instructions from his boss or colleagues like this

Do some men just not see this stuff? Is it because they know someone else (me) will eventually sort it out?

Has anyone actually found a way to change this awful dynamic? Should I just accept that I’ll be reminding a grown man where the washing basket is for the rest of our lives? I’m exhausted!!!!

Some people are just more tidy than others
Has he never lived alone ??
Because when you live alone you work out the type of person you are ,either messy or tidy
With no one on your back telling you what to do .
So what was he like when he lived alone op ....was his house messy ?
If he went from living with mum to you ,he probably feels like your mum number 2 telling him what to do all the time .
Recipe for disaster if your having to constantly instruct him

Sometimes I wonder if it’s a compulsion

Do you think? Maybe because most people will either pocket their tissue or bin it.

It’s not. I bet he manages to not leave dirty tissues at his arse in work.

He does do all three to be fair, but I find he seems to “collect” some type of rubbish sometimes… I’ll find piles of one particular thing, let’s say it’s chocolate wrappers, like 50 wrappers in one spot (his desk). Like a squirrel.

Oh my husband does that leaves biscuit wrappers on his table when he works from home I think.he is just lazy and gets distracted, im never in the room so I don't care he clears it eventually.

Have you asked him why he expects you to have to encounter his used tissues and dirty socks everywhere? Why he thinks it’s okay to use up every mug in the house, hoarding them in his office and not letting you use any?

Used tissues is just gross. Different standard of cleanliness is one thing but actively leaving snotty germy tissues around surely isn’t acceptable to the messiest of people.

My ex was like this - not the reason he is an ex. I took his used tissues, sandwich or pizza crusts left laying around, and put them in his work bag, any items of clothing on the floor that I was expected to clear up, I cleared up, like a good little wifey. I cleared them into bin bags and hid them in the loft to begin with. He bought more clothes, so I hid those items in bin bags too, then I hid the bin bags in the bin.
He learned.
I hid all his camera stuff, that he just dumped any old where, in my camera bag. Then he really learned.

It just took some brutal training.

Work, read, do life admin, exercise, watch films, catch up on current affairs, think about art, stare out of the window, watch internet videos of cute baby animals.

I get round to housework in the fullness of time. The house is clean enough. It's never, ever at the forefront of my mind. Literally anything else is more interesting to think about.

There was some research on how some people genuinely don't see what is in front of them (can't remember all the scientific explanation, but basically it's an issue with the brain, not eyes). We're learning more all the time about stuff like that-remember how people used to say ADHD/Arfid etc wasn't real, but laziness/bad parenting?
So, if it doesn't bother him, let it go.
If it does bother you, then you do that bit, and give him other tasks to do. Same as if he wants an all grey house, and you want a brightly coloured patterned rainbow house, just compromise if he's a good partner otherwise.

Did you not see how he lived before you married him? DH lived with his parents and then we moved in together straight away but I definitely did my due diligence and checked he wasn’t being waited on by his mum. I am never normally the one to say “not all men” but there’s definitely a decent amount of them who can do basic house hold tasks… I’d say out of me and DH he is neater than I am. We are both clean people, but I can handle a bit of clutter while he absolutely can’t.

Some of you just married mingers…

He was like this when you chose to marry him so why are you expecting him to change.

I am 41 years old. I have been around the block and back again. I have never been with a man who isn't 'housetrained'. Every man i have ever had a relationship with, including my DH enjoyed living in a tidy environment.

Did these men live in hovels when you all met them? I genuinely don't understand how, after the first time you had to pick up his dirty socks, underwear, wet towel up off the floor, it happened again?

It's very 80's to me (because my dad was like this, or tried to be), very old fashioned and I would bloody cringe at a man these days who felt that he didnt have to do anything in the house, not even pick up his own rubbish, cos he has a penis.
Surely living with someone who doesn't know how to look after themselves and their surroundings is like living with a giant toddler. I don't want a giant toddler, I want a man.

These are all very normal things that most people do alongside tidying their homes.

Literally anything else is more interesting to think about.

Agree - you’re mean to do it, not just think about it.

Exactly! My 21 year old is like this but is currently in the early stages of his first serious relationship. Bedroom is is suddenly clean, tidy and hoovered regularly. Bedding is independently changed once a week and no collection of plates and cups up there.

They know exactly what to do when they actually give a shit. Currently every time he leaves a pair of trainers by the front door I take the laces out for him 🤣

Tidiness just isn't very important to me.

My husband is extremely untidy, but will clean up brilliantly if we have guests, so I spring that on him from time to time & it works well as he responds to pressure. I also take nothing to do with washing his clothes, that's his job. He does all the cooking & as a result has to buy all the shopping, we came to this arrangement early on in our relationship because of his inept attempts at cleaning up after dinner. I think completely refusing to do some things can work out quite well if you stick to your guns.

It's super annoying when they do that. It's usually just bad habits and absent mindedness as well as having different standards for cleanliness or tidiness.

Try and approach it practically, as it's a practical problem that can be resolved. He needs to take responsibility. For example he could set reminders on his phone twice a day to go around the house tidying his socks/tissues etc. Or write himself a list of things he needs to do and set an alarm once a day and go through the list. You may need to tolerate some mess until the alarm or reminder rings!

He does clearly leave the mess for OP to tidy up though.

That’s the problem. To me, it is a very basic thing to clean up after yourself and there isn’t a compromise.

Hits the nail on the head, I'm afraid.

My partner of 17 years is the same. We don't live together, thank fuck - and I've decided because of this we never will (until I get too old to care, possibly).

Mine is 55 and was recently diagnosed as ADHD. So now he has a convenient excuse for not doing the basic stuff...

I do this - I use a mug for a cup of tea in the morning, rinse it out and leave it by the kettle for my afternoon cup of tea. I don’t see what’s wrong with that.

Everything he leaves about socks shoes tissues throw them all together in a black bun bag then when he complains tell him this is what will happen ftom now on.
My( Ex )husband ended up with two bun bags full of crap and clothes in the shed to sort through because he ran out of clothes. He had other nightmare issues hence ex (he's now on wife 5)

Current husband knows not to leave clothes on the floor and is generally tidy apart from finding screws, screwdrivers etc about.

He can learn. He has learned that hitting KPIs at work results in promotion and increased status. He has learned that leaving things to be picked up at home results in them being picked up. You can look at your role in this and focus on what is within your grasp to change - i.e. stopping the picking up after him that you have been doing for years without protest. Changing this variable will empower him to learn that him not picking up after himself causes friction in the home, and he may then elect to adapt his behaviour to avoid that friction.

I used to date someone with ADHD. Strangely, it exhibited itself in an almost compulsive need to flit about tidying and fixing everything he could see. I used to have to tell him to sit down and relax and I am quite neat.

On a side note, my 8 year old son puts things in the bin without prompting. If he can do it a grown man definitely can. I find incompetent men deeply unattractive.

I think I'm a little worse for short term habits (e.g. I sit away from the bin, so I put everything in when convenient whilst my husband huffs). Or I will leave the odd little thing on the side during the ay whilst doing childcare then tidy up at the end.

But what I can't stand is his failure to have habits for non-disposable things like keys and hats and sunglasses. My son is on his third sunhat in two months because my husband keeps losing them, he leaves his keys just fucking anywhere, ditto sunglasses. I just don't understand how he can get so wound up about my not jumping up and down to the bin all evening when he'll leave random detritus everywhere.