AIBU to expect my husband to learn basic household habits?

[edvardsghost]

Why are some men seemingly incapable of learning basic household habits?

Before you start saying "weaponised incompetence", I'm honestly not sure that's what this is... but I'm running out of other explanations. Am I being unreasonable/having unrealistic expectations?

My DH is a lovely man. Intelligent, successful at work, learns new systems and processes all the time, manages people, solves problems... yet somehow cannot consistently manage things like:

• putting used tissues straight in the bin instead of leaving them by the sink
• putting socks in the washing basket rather than wherever they happen to come off
• putting things back in the cupboard after using them
• putting his shoes in the shoe rack
• the list goes on….

I know some of it is probably down to his upbringing. His mum worked all the time and his dad was very hands-off, so he never really learned the basics of running a home. But like… at what point does that stop being an excuse?

I've asked nicely, explained why it bothers me, reminded him over and over again, lost my temper, left things where they are.……. nothing sticks!!!! can't imagine him repeatedly ignoring basic instructions from his boss or colleagues like this

Do some men just not see this stuff? Is it because they know someone else (me) will eventually sort it out?

Has anyone actually found a way to change this awful dynamic? Should I just accept that I’ll be reminding a grown man where the washing basket is for the rest of our lives? I’m exhausted!!!!

So what is it you do instead?

I'm thankful that mine and my husband's "tidy levels" are pretty similar, not absolute pigs but not real neat freaks either 😂

Do you know my SIL? Her house is like this. It’s a pit!

Why don't you just leave them? If he was planning to re use later in the day just leave it out?

It's taken me 32 years to get my husband to manage basic household habits!As I've often said to him, just because I was born with a vagina, it doesn't mean that I automatically knew how to do them and it's not fair that only women are expected (by some men) to do these tasks.
Finally though, I've got somebody who does more than his fair share and it's wonderful. For my part, I've learnt to ignore that he doesn't always do things the way I do them, that's just life and if you want somebody to do their fair share, there has to be some give and take on both sides.

By later do you mean later that day or later in the week?

Do what I did with my 12yo DS: stop doing it for him and call him every single time « DH, I think you forgot your dirty socks on the floor » (with the expectation that he interrupts what he is doing to come sort it out straightaway).
No angry tone, more like « oops you forgot again ».
If that doesn’t work, start calling him when he is in the middle of something he enjoys. After a few times calling DS during his screen time he miraculously started remembering to put his clothes in the basket and not on the floor in the bathroom…

It stems from a deeply ingrained sense of entitlement and lack of respect

People do get divorced over stuff like this. Resentment builds when you have to repeatedly ask someone to do basic things and then tidy up after them, because if they really cared they would just pick up the socks or put away the glass. I think if you are a functioning person, fairly nice, and can do things like hold down a job, you can make the effort to remember to tidy up after yourself.
I’ve had past relationships with men like this and it’s worried me because if he can’t remember to do basic things, then would he remember to do things like check a baby’s play area for choking hazards or make sure their uniform is clean for school or feed a pet and clean their litter tray/cage/poop. If the answer is no then he’s not a partner, and if the answer is yes then he could choose to take his own housework off my plate, but he just doesn’t care enough to.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

He does do dishes but only after it gets extremely cluttered/no space in the kitchen to leave anything else/we’ve run out of everything - but then doesn’t empty the dishwasher afterwards.

And I disagree with PP: there is no valid reason to delay putting a dirty tissue in the bin or dirty laundry in the basket.
Say you are sitting down, you blow your nose, next time you get up you just take it directly to the bin.
Cupboard door: you take something and close the door, why leave it open and then come back to it later to close it?? (Except when actively cooking and expecting to need several things from the same cupboard)

What's wrong with doing that? I do it all the time for plates with a few crumbs

😂😂😂

Why are some men seemingly incapable of learning basic household habits?

They really aren’t, yours just doesn’t respect you. It’s honestly that simple. Most people in these relationships realise this at some point.

Um no… my question isn’t why can’t he pick up after himself. I have answered that question, it was clear after meeting his parents and learning about his childhood.

I’m asking why he can’t learn, when he is able to learn other things at work.

Someone mentioned consequences in work settings tied to performance and I think that’s probably the answer.

I’m also looking for information about strategies and tips from MNetters that can relate to this problem and who have been able to see a big change after using those strategies.

They're not 'man things'. They're people things. Behaviours exhibited by both sexes.

But IME women, including me are more bothered by them and complain about them more then men do.

So then it becomes 'men do this' rather than 'people do this'.

I have ADHD but I also have adult children who are prone to coming by if they are passing. So I do my very best to make sure my house isn't full of dirty washing/unwashed plates/kitchen tidy and loose paperwork/mail is tidied away. It's a great incentive, and being ADHD doesn't mean that stuff HAS to be left all over the place.

Curious what the more important things you worry about are?

He doesn’t do it because he knows you will it’s that’s simple.

Choosing not to learn something as basic as putting stuff in the bin is weaponised incompetence.
Would he leave a dirty tissue by the sink at work?

It’s not just about reading which is what people typically think of……it’s things like sentence composition, struggling to get what’s in their head down onto paper and when they do it often doesn’t make sense to others, and those same “jumbled” thought processes impact of other basic tasks too e.g. DSD brings laptop home from school because it needs charging but doesn’t think to bring the power cable that’s in her locker, or takes PEkit because it’s hockey today but doesn’t take the hockey stick. They can come across as frustratingly disorganised and untidy!
or he might just be poorly housetrained 🤣

He can't learn because it is ingrained that someone else will do it, he doesn't want to live to your standards so disrespects you and knows you will pick up snotty tissues and dirty socks, so it isnt something he wants to learn. So you either leave his mess to him to clean up or you clean up after him. I honestly think it has got to this stage.

All the effort isn't being made to one partner. I'm sure both people can compromise and the "tidy" partner accept a less tidy house than they would like and the "untidy" partner listen and make an effort to address the things that are causing upset.
Putting dirty underwear in the wash basket and dirty tissues in the bin are not particularly "tidy" requests just common adult behaviours when living with others.

I'm the "less tidy" person in our marriage. I am untidy and messy but always clean and hygienic because that's how a functioning adult who respects their other half is.

I read a tip on here a couple years ago when my DH was doing the sock thing, put all his socks on his pillow. It works!

Saying what I said @edvardsghost leaving dirty tissues lying about is gross