AIBU to expect my husband to learn basic household habits?

[edvardsghost]

Why are some men seemingly incapable of learning basic household habits?

Before you start saying "weaponised incompetence", I'm honestly not sure that's what this is... but I'm running out of other explanations. Am I being unreasonable/having unrealistic expectations?

My DH is a lovely man. Intelligent, successful at work, learns new systems and processes all the time, manages people, solves problems... yet somehow cannot consistently manage things like:

• putting used tissues straight in the bin instead of leaving them by the sink
• putting socks in the washing basket rather than wherever they happen to come off
• putting things back in the cupboard after using them
• putting his shoes in the shoe rack
• the list goes on….

I know some of it is probably down to his upbringing. His mum worked all the time and his dad was very hands-off, so he never really learned the basics of running a home. But like… at what point does that stop being an excuse?

I've asked nicely, explained why it bothers me, reminded him over and over again, lost my temper, left things where they are.……. nothing sticks!!!! can't imagine him repeatedly ignoring basic instructions from his boss or colleagues like this

Do some men just not see this stuff? Is it because they know someone else (me) will eventually sort it out?

Has anyone actually found a way to change this awful dynamic? Should I just accept that I’ll be reminding a grown man where the washing basket is for the rest of our lives? I’m exhausted!!!!

It isn't about socks though, it is about the disrespect that he clearly expects OP to pick them up. Not to mention the fact that it isn't just socks, it is also used tissues amongst other things. There isn't any give and take and that is why OP is frustrated.

Of course men aren't all the same but clearly far too many men do think it is a woman's job to be their maid.

How do you know that he wants her to pick the socks up, it’s his house as well and maybe he just wants to leave them on the floor. In a relationship you give and take, my wife does things that I find odd but I don’t make a fuss about it as she also doesn’t react to my idiosyncrasies.

It doesn't stick because he doesn't care about it. And I don't mean, "doesn't care about YOU"; I mean, he doesn't care about shoes living on the shoe rack or about salt living in the larder. And as a very masculine-brained woman, I am the same. However, it DOES matter to my husband, so I make an effort for him.

Not all women...😁

I agree, not all women

Because it sounds like if OP doesn't pick socks up or throw away his used tissues that he would happily just leave them there. Have you not read the thread?

They are definitely trainable to your ways! I always say I would never be bothered marrying again if my DP should depart this earth unexpectedly, because quite honestly I would not have the time or patience to retrain another model!
It’s taken me 55 yrs but on the whole he knows to abide by the rules & I wouldn’t dream of swapping him out at this late stage of life.

Every one of my friends and women in the family have said the same thing, never again.

And yet we say that men are controlling....."abide by the rules" that YOU made.

I say never again because I am happily single, not because I dont want to take on another project. If it took 55 years for your project then that suggests you shouldnt have married him at all, or that he shouldnt have married you.

I dunno - I'm needy and need cuddles and affection so I'd need a replacement (not that I could ever replace my lovely DH). God forbid. Doesn't bear thinking about...

For me it was young adult child rather than DH. What finally worked was a combination of:

• clothes / belongings / shoes being put in a box in front of the garage (so she would need to walk the length of the garden possibly in the cold and dark to get them (box was under a rain shelter)
• dirty dishes in a washing up bowl on her (unmade) bed. This is stuff placed next to, but not in, the dishwasher
• rubbish next to her bed where she would put her feet when she gets up (on a plate if messy)

The principal I used was to create more hassle for her if it was not dealt with than if it were- no matter how much extra work it caused me. It didn’t work to make her tidier honestly, but when she started to see me tidy up and there was a risk of her stuff going to the garden or elsewhere, she rushed to get rid of it ahead of me. We have now reached a compromise where she still makes mess, but if I tell her to tidy something she does it immediately.

My husband used to dump his clothes on the floor. I told him I was only washing clothes that were in the laundry basket. When he ran out of pants, he learned his lesson and can now find the laundry basket! I recommend trying this with his clothes though it won't help with every issue.

Why doesn’t he just wash his own clothes?

I know. Men ! They just take the cleaning fairy, the laundry fairy for granted. And we're wise to that trick of doing a crap job of it so they think we won't ask again. Unless they want something in which case they strangely do a decent job. Or buy flowers

That sounds like a horrible situation and I'm glad you are out of it.

Incidentally, if you complained to others, how many times were you told to suck it up because your wife just didn't SEE the mess, that her brain worked differently so she couldn't be expected to clean, that it was her father's fault for not teaching her when she was young, that you should be explaining it so she knew it upset you, that you should leave her a list, a flowchart, use a reward scheme, set reminders on her phone, and that she should be grateful she was doing anything at all because she was such a great Mum and person in every other way so you should stop being such a petty, nit-picky perfectionist?

Just wondering.

If he was at work would he do these things? Of course he would! He doesn’t want to and wants you to stop asking him!!

I think it’s REALLY difficult OP. Division of labour hugely affects the levels of harmony in any relationship. My exH wanted a really spotless house but didn’t want to lift a finger to make it so. We saw a couples therapist and he complained about getting up in the morning to dishes in the sink … they bothered him … but he wanted me to deal with them. I am by nature a tidy person but as I would have already shopped for food, prepared the dinner, bathed our DDs, put them to bed etc I wanted to go to the gym and have some time to myself … in the end the unfairness of it all was too much and we separated. I have no issue with my DDs seeing me as capable, dynamic, organised - I didn’t want them growing up seeing me as somebody else’s doormat 🤷🏼‍♀️

I know some people who have relationships after being widowed or divorced but they keep separate houses, that seems to work well.

You come across as the 'I'll do it when I'm good and ready' type. Pity.

No point running the washing machine on a half load...that's wasteful and just causes unnecessary hassle and work. You're a team! I'd rather take it in turns to sort laundry.... one sorts puts in the wash, the other hangs out and then share the ironing ......or something along those lines

I solved parts during maternity leave. Told DH I planned on cleaning during the day and anything in the way would be binned because if I had to tidy I wouldn’t have time to clean. He has always been the one to empty the bins so I made sure I left his cup and socks at the top of the bag for when he got home from work. I didn’t like the shoes dumped in the middle of the floor so left them in the garden and said I was rushing to leave and they got caught in the pram and I didn’t have take them back in, made sure I did it in the rain so when he got home they were soaked and he ended up missing the gym.

Other jobs I shout him back to finish or ask why he’s saving the milk bottle lid, I point everything out and he does come back and do it.

You must be fun to live with...

The only place I heard "we are adults we wash our own clothes! " in a couple living together is on MN... At the smae times lots of the energy bills blow my mind so maybe there is a correlation there

I know, right? This is a crazy place!

I said she worked all the time not because she worked full time but because was absent. It’s hard to teach your children things if you’re not around…

He learned how to be successful at his job from her because she was very successful at work - which is why she wasn’t around much.