AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

Bringing the dishes to his room was poking the bear. You need to just let him do nothing, grey rock him until he leaves and then cut him off when he’s gone, for your own safety.

I totally agree with cutting him off and refusing to let him back in the house but what of other family members? Can he turn to grandparents, aunts/uncles, older sibling. If so, they need to be warned about his violence if they decide to take him in

I also think you should call the police and log the violence.

I agree with this. The police need informing, support is needed, but abandoning your own child in that way is very strange behaviour.

So are mine and there are ways of communicating.Its not about the bare minimum. I’m aware of the difficulties that come with their disability and support them to meet household requirements with flexibility. You will never parent away ND however you can meet half way and support ND young people to manage difficulties better by understanding how to communicate better.

Demanding plates are washed up the minute they’re finished with then marching up to he son’s safe place with said dirty crockery is not that.

ND? He sounds more like misdiagnosed ASPD to me. That’s a serious social maladaption that needs dealing with. These two are often misdiagnosed in both directions but the violence to a parent and threat based control is more suggestive of ASPD to me.

Re: the moving and not telling him. I'm worried that he'll turn up at your old house and assault the people who've bought it. I honestly don't think this is a good idea. He's your son and if he's violent and abusive you have a duty to protect others, as well as yourselves.

So it’s ok for him to abuse a male partner?

I think we need more info re the violence.

When he leaves either change the locks or move house and block his number or change numbers you need to treat him as if he was a violent partner this isn't ok

You are not being unreasonable at all. Otherwise when Uni finishes, what will happen then? He may get his feet right under the table and then it will be so difficult to get him to go.
I really feel for you and your husband, please be strong.
Oh, and get all of your locks changed when he goes back to Uni.

I honestly don’t know how it’s got to this point and how your DH seems to be standing by letting your son be abusive to you. I can get how that can happen in single parent homes but there is no way that my husband would stand for a child hitting me in my own home. You both sound fearful so this must have been going on a long time but he is now an adult and will have to reap the consequences of his actions by standing on his own two feet.

If its that bad that you are considering literally going into hiding then you are morally obliged to call the police. This will escalate, not necessarily against partner, but some random person in the street. One punch can kill. He needs a wake up call, and he needs it now.

Take no notice of judging. He's wicked and it isn't your fault. A really evil bloke used to live over the road from us. He came from a lovely family. I won't tell you what he did it's shocking. Ended up in prison and died there.

I'd definitely move. Best wishes to you. And a massive hug 🫂

Please listen to the many posters advising to call the police. Not only will it protect you, but it’s an intervention for him. Look at it as your last ditch attempt to support him.

Maybe a shock will help, maybe it won’t. But nothing else has.

I would absolutely call. Then I would make my home secure and follow whatever plans you need to stay safe. I know he is your son, and I understand this must feel impossible, so ask yourself this. If this was your daughter being harmed at the hands of a man, any man, what would your advice be?

Shame is very corrosive. I imagine this family has been ashamed of their child for many years, and are now ashamed of the adult man. He will know he has never measured up. It's not that surprising that he is disrespectful. It's a bit like what happens in school for so many young people who absorb the message that they aren't good enough and become disengaged and actively hostile to school.

It's a terrible shame. He didn't ask to be born with ADHD or other neurodiversity that will have made him more of a handful as a little boy.

That sounds horrific, OP. I agree with you that he shouldn't be allowed to return home again. What would happen now if you and your husband (and any other children) went on a break for a week or so until he's gone?

Does he intend to stay in the country he's studying in? I wondered what his intentions were after his course finished. Thank god he's got to go back early.

I would want to move house - I'd want somewhere new where I didn't have any physical memories of my past.

I agree about contacting the police as he may probably kill someone one day. You don't want that on your conscience.

Well it depends how things have escalated and if this is learnt behaviour. If op or husband ever made physical contact with him, complaints to the police can go both ways.

She isn’t petty.
She is reacting like any parent would when one of their children is ignoring requests like that.

Now I agree this is unsuitable when someone is being violent.
But it has nothing to do with ND or their safe place etc.. everything to do with violence. So why trying to shame the OP for not bring ND aware??

Before or after you got manhandled and were left with visible bruises?

Yes poor poor Axel Rudakabana-lite, won't someone please think of the abusers? This attitude here is exactly why no one stopped the original one.

My heart bleeds for the parents but they have a responsibility to society, ND or not (and as millions of others have pointed out, it's offensive to invoke ND for these situations, what about the millions of ND people who don't brutalise their parents? Nothing suggests this specimen is disabled to the level that might excuse the level of violence shown).

So do you think all the evil people in the world were misunderstood ? 🤔 Poor Peter Sutcliffe. If only his parents had been more nurturing ffs. And those darling Wests.

Not saying your son is capable of these acts @Notmynameforthis . Just that some people are wicked. I've known many from terrible backgrounds who are the opposite of wicked. It's in people.

If as you've stated, you don't want him to return, then you must involve the police. They would hopefully be able to issue you with a Domestic Violence Protection Notice/Order. Which I'm assuming can be extended to anyone within a household.

@Notmynameforthis , I’m not convinced moving house will help. You cannot control other people telling him where you are. You will have upped and moved at great expense for him to eventually find you if he wants to. Unless of course a move was always on the cards anyway. Ignore all the comments about the dishes. It’s a red herring and the comments about there’s two sides to the story. There is no other side when it comes to violence and aggression. I know lots of people including family members who have diagnosis of autism and/or ADHD and none of them are violent or aggressive. They struggle yes but they managed to fit into society and hold down jobs. The best solution in my view is the police to get him gone now for your own safety. At the very least when he’s gone back to university, you absolutely stop supporting him financially, you get a Ring camera, you change the locks, you write to him and tell him what you’ve done and under no circumstances is he to return to your house. Tell him the police are fully informed and you have an injunction against him. You’ve done everything you can for him. he’s an adult and responsible for his own actions. As PP have said he’s managing at university and assumably he hasn’t attacked anyone violently whilst there, so he is able to control himself when he wants to. His behaviour seems to be reserved purely for you his parents. No one has the right to do this to anyone else regardless of the relationship. Good luck OP. I hope you’re able to get the resolution you need for your own safety and peace of mind.

If you refrain from barging your way into the safe space of a ND individual who is clearly heightened during an argument the chances of bruises will be dramatically slashed. Behaviour like this isn’t modelling the right way to handle disagreements when heightened.