AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

THIS!

If someone abused you in the street you would inform the police, it's no different because it's happening in your own home, in fact it's more of an imperative to get them involved. They can advise you on how to safely ensure that he doesn't return again - plus if he does it to you, you can only imagine what he does to other people in the wider world. Please break the chain - you have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about - reporting him is the first step in stopping this terrible behaviour which undoubtedly will escalate in the future if left unchecked.

’If he is that bad, it is not worth risking your safety over asking him to do dishes that he will not do.”

You are right, I won’t he challenging him again @AFigureWalks . I should have learned my lesson, this is what I got last week.

Your son is dangerous, don't provoke him.

Ideally call the police and have him removed.

Otherwise, sit tight until he goes back then change the locks and take advice from the police on what to do if he comes back and kicks off.

He is entirely in the wrong here, however taking the dishes to his room is not going to end up with him doing the dishes and you already knew that.
There is no point in antagonising the situation - just call the police and have done with it.

He is gay so I know he won’t be in a relationship with a woman. We are just going to sit tight as a poster said above . I want him gone next week. He doesn’t have keys and I will not be contacting him.

Sounds like he should be in prison instead of university though.

I’d have him removed by the police today. I’ve got adult DSs and if they laid a finger on me they would be out. I will not be fearful in my own home. I really can’t understand what you and your DH are thinking.

It’s so difficult because you feel like such a failure, how could we have produced such a monster. We are good people 😞 He has never once felt even a little bit ashamed.

Definitely call the police. Make that report. Protect your son’s future partners. It doesn’t make a difference that he is gay. Make the report and then there is a record of violent behaviour which could inform future partners.
You are tiptoeing around in your own home. That is not right.

You do know that abuse escalates and gets more intense.This will keep happening and more frequently until it is forced to stop.

You are already expierencing violence. A police report needs to be done for you and dhs safety.

There is no need to be embarrassed, you are not the first nor will you be the last, sadly, to expierence this. Police have special teams to help deal with domestic abuse( what you are going through is exactly that)

Please act before the next round of escalation happens.

He has never once felt even a little bit ashamed
I've just read this aftrr posting so edited.
All the more reason to report, he doesn't care what he does to you. Think about that. What will he do next if he doesn't want to do something you ask. He has nothing stopping him.

You do need to get the police involved. At the very least so that they put a marker on your property to respond quickly if he tries to come back in the future and damages your property/ puts you in danger trying to get in, or harasses you etc. In any scenario where he harasses you in the future it's best to have a written statement on file first. Please involve the police

So he can abuse his male partner instead. I really do think you should contact the police even if it is just the non-emergency number and get some advice.

He can be abusive to a man too

Plenty gay couples have children through adoption or surrogacy. It’s also not ok for men to abuse other men.

please protect whoever will be living with him next.

i hope you stay safe and find the courage to report him.

maybe leave the dishes next time. It’s not worth it.

I wouldn't blame you. Life is too short to be someone else's punching bag and it's not doing either of you any favours.

When he goes back to uni, sell the house. Move away and don’t share your address.

Who cares if randoms on Mumsnet disagree? Use your common sense.

This isn't normal OP, how did it get to this point? You say he was 'always' been difficult - do you mean from a very young child? Is he ND? How did he cope at school?

If you know he can be violent why on earth would you take his dishes to his room to try and force him to do them? His behaviour is absolutely terrible but there must be a lot more to this story. No one with a happy, lovely, easy childhood grows up to be like this.

Out of interest what does your DH do when he hits you?

I am so sorry OP- our son went through a particularly horrible stage but much younger than this - you haven’t mentioned if you have other children/young adults still at home? I know myself it put enormous strain on us and luckily ended when he chose to move to a house share just a week before he was 18 ( he worked) he improved massively after that - as others have said I think you need to inform the police and ban him from your home at the moment - it’s so hard I know but you wouldn’t forgive yourself if he hurt others and it hadn’t been flagged. It may also give him the jolt and change in attitude he clearly needs.

Don't challenge him or antagonise him again, you'll only end up hurt and achieve nothing.

Can you move house without telling him when he goes?

As soon as he is gone message him to say that he's cut off, you will accept no more of his violence and he's not to darken your door ever again. Tell him you've been to the police and if he ever returns you will call the police and have him arrested. Then take all the security arrangements you can to protect yourself and your home.

You really need to report this domestic abuse to the police, otherwise you are doing nothing to help his future partners or children.

I am not normally a ‘kick them out’ person but in this instance I 100% think you should, and change the locks and report his violence to the police so it is on record. If he threatens you in the future get a court order against him. Son or not his behaviour is abhorrent and dangerous and unforgivable.

God knows why you took the dishes to his room, why poke the bear?

He could still be abusive to his partners, regardless of gender. If you find the courage, please please report this to the police so that there’s a record and anybody could find it if needed.

What is your husband doing when he assaults you?