AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

This is a very good point, he could be masking this behavior to his friends and partners, how would you feel if he said he had a girlfriend? Maybe reporting the next incident is the only way to make him realise what he is doing is violent and abusive and he cannot hide it or lie about it

You need to call the police

For your sake , for your sons sake and for the sake of anybody else that comes into contact with your son

He needs a wake up call. A big one.

Him being gay - he is less likely to beat up a male partner (ie of equal strength), however it is possible. And as PPs have said, he would be a danger to any kids fostered etc. And what is to stop him taking job with women (eg in a care home) and being physically abusive to women there?

Your posts are offensive to all the ND people who manage not to beat up their mums.

You are coming across like a violence apologist and it's not nice to read.

I would definitely log his violence with police. You are not unreasonable at all. Terrifying the rise of matricide from adult men. Please look after yourselves. 💐

Being ND is no excuse for hitting someone. Ever. He is going to University. He usnt stupid. He knows hitting someine is wrong. He is an adult now. Up to him to find ways to not hit people.

Let’s stop this shaming as if his violence was the OP’s fault. ND is NOT a get out of jail card fr violence

Axel Rudakabana has nothing to do with this story, but yes his parents were extremely complicit in what happened.

Where have I said it's ok for this young man to be aggressive to his parents? Seeing how a situation might arise doesn't automatically make that situation ok.

Quite!

I'm not blaming anyone, i'm saying we don't have the full picture. 🙃

Of course it matters! It's not normal for a child to assault their parent. It's not about "excuses" it's about reasons. And of course safety is the most important thing but the OP will need help to with her feelings of shame and guilt.

This.

This is exactly what I would do

Yes someone I know, a big bloke, has just come out of a physically abusive gay relationship. It happens.

Well I’m one such ND person with ND children. It’s not offensive to me in the slightest. None of us in my family hurt each other however we as parents try to model the behaviour we want , support our dc to mange ND difficulties, don’t purposely inflame volatile situations and have reached out to find ways to become better informed as regards parenting struggling ND children.

Exactly this. We don’t.

Being gay does not stop him from being violent to a partner. DV happens everywhere.
Police.

OP do ignore the apologists for violent men that are lurking while trying to shame you. Just ignore them.

Op hasn’t mentioned hitting but pushing the op out of his room, hitting a new table with his phone and threatening to put milk on a new sofa.

Well then he has the choice to move out if he doesn't like the 'rules'. My god, what is wrong with people? Stop excusing male violence.

If you look at the life histories of many murderers and abusers then yes there is a huge correlation with abusive or traumatic childhoods.

Sutcliffe was brought up in an abusive home, and had a brain injury as a teen.

Both Wests had very severely abusive childhoods.

This is documented.

More than eight in ten men in prison suffered childhood adversity – new report | News and Events | Bangor University https://share.google/apqgvL17TDBPNSotn

None of which is really relevant to the situation here, and neither am I now or was I ever suggesting that a dysfunctional childhood makes it inevitable that one will grow up to be violent, (just more likely) , or that it is ok to be violent.

Absolutely, I didn't mean to demean any bloke suffering that.
Wanted more to address the 'Oh he's no threat to women as he's gay'... There are still opportunities where he could be!

Ring the police & have him removed.
Change locks.
Apply for a non-molestation & occupation order.

Don't waste any more time on this violent thug. I pray to GOD he doesn't get a partner bc it's clearly obvious his abhorrent behaviour has been allowed to continue for such a long time it is now second nature to him. www.gov.uk/government/publications/apply-for-a-non-molestation-or-occupation-order-fl401

Yep he does. Asking him to move out is fine, police and moving is way over the top.

There needs to be far more details given before you can leap to either of those suggestions however the op has gone silent.

And no backstory as to why he did it.

Could be because he is ND
Could be because he was antagonised.

And as a parent that’s the right thing to do.
But even if you weren’t, it STILL doesn’t excuse the violent behaviour of an ADULT.

You might say that a parent should take (some of the) responsibility with a child or a teen. Not with an adult.
Once again you’re conflating a reason and an excuse. And Regardiess of how many reasons exist for aggressivity or violence, theres never an excuse for violence.