AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

I think you should call the police

Have you thought of involving the police? This sounds very serious, and of course you’re not unreasonable not to want him back.

I also agree with calling the police. And the shame belongs firmly to him - not to you.

Don't take his dishes to his room, put them down and report his violence to the police.

I would report to the police - and I would change the locks when he returns to university. And of course you should cut him off financially.

At the very least as soon as he leaves for uni again I would be changing the locks and refusing him any further stays at home!!

I would report him to the police and get a court order barring him from your home

If you don't report it his future partners won't be able to check his record for domestic violence when the inevitable occurs

I agree with everyone above. If he gets violent, call the police. Once he’s gone, change the locks.

Call the police. Not sure why you would take the dishes to him.

This is domestic abuse. Just pack his stuff and tell him to leave or you will call the police. Maybe call the police before to ask them to be present when you do ask him to leave for your own safety.

Just because he is your son does not mean you have to put up with this.

I know I should call the police but I haven’t got the courage. I know that I should be ashamed of my self, he is in university in a different country so come next week he will be gone.

If he is that bad, it is not worth risking your safety over asking him to do dishes that he will not do.
I know this hard, but the police will remove him. Call them. We had to on our adult son and we did not get to the level of any assault other than a push and him grabbing DH’s arm. Bruising is so far down the line from this. You know he could kill you, don’t you?
Protect your safety. This kind of abuse is devastating. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I told our parents, my siblings, my colleagues and the support we had with people reinforcing that this is not normal, that you cannot live with it, must not tolerated it etc was what we needed to be strong.
I hope you will be ok and I am so sorry that he has hurt you so badly.

Doing things like taking his dishes to his room will not achieve anything except making him angry and potentially putting yourself in danger. Changes the locks, would you consider moving?

You took dirty dishes to his room! How weird.Call the police,get him removed from your home.

He's an abusive person. I'd report him to the police for the physical assault, and kick him out the house forever. At 20, he should know better. So it's time for him to discover the Find Out part of Fuck Around. How dare he?

Contact the police so it’s on record and then once he’s left have the locks changed and inform him via messaging (so you have proof of communication) that he isn’t welcome back.

Not even the courage to protect your own future grandchildren because it's for sure that unless he faces a more powerful force than you, this behaviour will continue.

This

if he goes unchecked imagine the damage he could do to a partner or child of his in the future.

He needs to be reported. He will continue this behaviour towards future partners.

Also, change your kicks and get a video doorbell camera in case he kicks off. Even better move and don't tell him.

This is a horrible way to have to live.

Will you be telling him not to return back to your house next time uni finishes for a holiday?

Is he likely to accept that and find somewhere else to stay?

Oh op. This sounds tough.

Find courage to change the locks and message him he wont be allowed in house again and you dont want to see him as your not his punching bag.

You have nothing to feel ashamed for. Please call the police when he becomes abusive again. He has no fear in hurting you, this puts you in extreme danger. You have done nothing to deserve this treatment. Don’t let shame or embarrassment cost you your life.

Permissive parenting has allowed him to grow up with this sense of entitlement and aggression, burying your head in the sand by telling yourself he’ll be back at uni soon is not going to fix anything, if anything it’s reinforcing the narrative that he can do what ever the f*ck he wants consequence free.

For the sake of any woman/man he dates PLEASE report to the police and press charges. I know he’s your son and this must be so painful for you but there are other lives at stake, not just your own

So you are just going to kick the can down the road until next time. I had sympathy with you until this.

It needs dealing with now before it escalates further. No One has the right to make you feel scared in your own home.