AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

Not every man is capable of physical fights. Men can be frail, elderly, disabled or even just gentle people without being less of a man.

I would be interested to know more about this @Llamallamafruitpyjama please.
Was your Brother the first born? Did your parents treat you differently and favour you?
there is usually a reason if we are honest with ourselves. ( personal experience)

Every word of this.

You shouldn’t have to move house. Invest the money in new locks and security, therapy, a long holiday and a highly trained guard dog. 🪷

His actions deserve consequences - report him to the police and press charges.

Yes this is what this sounds like. It's the kind of thing Axel Rudikabanas parentsxwere dealing with and they buried their heads in the sand too. He cannot be allowed to continue like this and just be allowed to go to University in another country, putting the problem on someone else without notifying the authorities. He does sound like a psychopath.

I agree too.
This is so hard for you @Notmynameforthis .
Keep your head down and let him leave but definitely report him. Change locks and show bruises and injuries to the police. He needs to have a record attached to his name. He is a future abuser of a future wife or children and with no record it will be harder for things like Clare's Law to work.

I am so so aorry you re going through this. I can't imagine how hard it is for you. Stay safe but definitely report him. The police are incredible at taking this sort of thing seriously. But he needs to be out of your house first.

take care xx

There's "context" to stamping on someone's hand and breaking their finger?

Really??? 🙄

I do think you should report him @Notmynameforthis - you seem to think that because he is only doing this to you, and because he is gay, he won't go on to do this to anyone else.

That isn't true. You may be his outlet for this abusive behaviour now, but if you remove yourself from his life, the odds are he's going to find a new outlet for it, rather than just... stop.

There is also absolutely no reason him being gay would mean he wouldn't be abusive to a partner.

I think you're sticking your head in the sand here - by all means, cut him out of your life, but report him as well, once you are safe to do so.

You need to call the police so it is on record. It is one thing you can do that might stop a future partner being subjected to abuse, or might support a future conviction.

Granted that his only interest in you is as a punch bag and ATM please make sure he knows he gets nothing in your will!

You are of course 100% correct. However most parents are there from day 1. They say a childs main characteristics are formed before they are 14. Between the age of 1 & 14 most parents, regardless of father/mother are capable of teaching their child it is wrong to use physical violence against their parents. At a young age they are much easier to convince of this without any need for physical intervention. In fact i only ever once acted aggressively towards my mother and my father didnt need to touch me to convince me my next action would dictate how my short and long term future would pan out for me. I never raised a finger to my mother ever again. I was about 13 years old at the time.

This young man, with all his problems has gone way past being persuaded to change his ways. His father has failed to protect his wife from this abuse and the OP has failed the DS by allowing him to get away with it for so long.

It now need police intervention to pass the problem on to someone else. Regardless of Mother and fathers failings they do not deserve to live in fear in their own home.

Victim blaming.

I wouldn't wait till he graduates. He is physically abusive and a real danger to them.

The more I think about this man being loose in a University setting the more worried I am for anyone he comes into contact with. If you don’t report him you will be culpable for anything he does to anyone else. You have a moral duty to do everything you can to stop him.

You do realise this is a much bigger issue. Child to parent abuse has long been written about and whole charities set up for it.

OP this charity are amazing, you need to self refer and they will give you a lot of help and support. https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

Re the suggestions for the parents to change the locks or move house: if the former, then wouldn’t he try and break in and be even more violent, and if the latter then the parents would be permanently living in fear that he would track them down to their new home.

The only person that should be ashamed is the little heathen abusing his parent/parents

Id phone police and get him out and make it crystal clear he's not coming back and the financial support stops.

When you took his dirty dishes upstairs did you actually expect him to wash them, because I can’t imagine that many aggressive young men would? Call the police now and report the bruising and kick him out.

Victim blaming.
Sometimes nature overrides nurture. Parents can do everything right and still have an offspring who is vile to them.
It could be influences of people he mixed with when he was old enough to make his own choices; it could be something in his head isn't wired right, he could just have a very nasty streak, and his parents are on the end of his nastiness, who knows?
Whatever, his parents need help, not blame.

Absolutely @dontblameyouself

Agree with @dontblameyouself

You don't understand the situation until you are in their shoes.

That you all the kindness and advice, this was very difficult to talk about even though it was anonymous. ❤️

How are you doing love?
How many days before he departs?
Has he calmed down now?
Hope you are okay x 💐

Thank you @FeckAboutAndFindOut , I’m doing ok , only a few days left. Things are calmer now but I do feel so sad. I hope that I feel better in time, thank you for thinking of us xx

Don’t lose hope that he will come back to you one day, a reformed character.

But for now, you are doing the right thing making him stand on his own two feet and fending for himself. It’s the only way to learn …by making mistakes and having to think where he’s going wrong.
His time away from you both and away from your help will be invaluable to him.
Wishing you all the best.

I am so glad that you reached out to this thread and took a little comfort or strength from it. It’s a very difficult situation. How do you plan to enact the estrangement? Will you fade him out? Block his number - tell him to his face?