AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

That doesn't mean he won't abuse his male partner though

We has considered this and are now putting plans in place.

Please do contact the police as a pp said, you need a marker on your address. Do not cave, never allow him back, cut finances. Don’t put yourself in any more dangerous positions. Get him gone and keep yourself safe.

I'm going to go against the grain and say I think that we're only hearing one side of the story here. Yes most teenagers and young adults can be moody, lazy or confrontational but for him to be as aggressive as OP says I think there's something else going on that we don't know about.

I'd only be guessing from the little input we've had but I do wonder if mum is giving him a lot of stick for being gay and that's why she is ashamed and he is being difficult and confrontational about it. Obviously i'd not like to put words in anyone's mouth here but I just don't feel we are getting the full picture.

Do not tell him you are kicking him out while he is in your home with you. You need to do it when he is away at uni.
Please don’t listen to the victim blaming here. The allegations of permissive parenting and burying your head in the sand are applying as are the blame of putting future partners in danger.
You are taking the first steps here by talking about it. The posters who are kicking you while you are down have no understanding of this and have never lived with it, I would surmise.

Police. My neighbour did this with her abusive son and they took him off when he appeared. They now have a non molestation order on him and hasn't been seen since.
Sending a hand hold @Notmynameforthis

Domestic abuse is not a heterosexual issue.

If you haven't already please consider reaching out to PEGS - they are a specialist Child on Parent domestic abuse charity who can offer you direct support and guidance. The focus will be entirely on you - not why your child is the way they are or why they're doing what they're doing, just support for you to ensure your safety and security.

I was coming on to say this.

If not, you are just pushing the problem up the road. When would he next be back? When he's finished uni and decides to move back in permanently?

Yeah definitely sell up and let him turn up in a year with no house to move into. Don't tell anyone where you're moving to.

There's definitely something missing here, something has happened in your relationship and you don't say how long he's been like this, is it recent or has he been like this since he was a child? How was he disciplined?
I'm also really curious does he hit his Dad or is it just you?

There is never any excuse for a man to commit violent crime. I'm a woman and was abused by my parent/s for decades. Guess what- I'm not a violent criminal.

There is no other side of the story, because there's no justification for violent crime.

The offender needs police involvement, imagine if he ends up fostering a kid with any future boyfriend. Horrifying.

Gently, I'm afraid I agree here. There must be a lot of backstory. His behaviour is absolutely awful, & you sound like you've been through such wars, it can't continue. Perhaps once he's grown up & coped on his own for a year or so, there might be a way back.

What an awful situation. There is a major issue with unreported domestic violence/abuse in same sex relationships, as well as issues with those on the end of abuse receiving support. If there is something on file it may help someone in the future.

Does he consider this his home? Are all his possessions at his university abroad? Thinking of the logistics - you'll either need to store them or send them to him. I'm really surprised he doesn't have a key.

I get that the situation is horrible and there’s no excuse for violence but if you agreed with your husband to keep things calm until DS leaves next week why on earth did you inflame the situation by bribing his dishes to his room? That was never going to end well. It sounds very petty.

You need to report this to the police now, and start proceedings for an injunction barring him from your home. When he leaves for uni, change the locks and cut contact. It all very well saying you haven’t got the courage to call the police, but if you don’t this will escalate. You need to protect yourselves and this is the only way to do it.

I don't understand why you are swinging between over-catering for him (a 20 year old doesn't need his breakfast making) and then confronting him (taking dirty dishes to his room was never going to go down well). If he's 20 and you know he won't do insert activity and if pushed he gets aggressive, then don't expect him to do insert activity. If you want to keep the peace until he goes back to university stop trying to change him. Separate mentally.

I have a 19 and a 22 year old son and would not make breakfast or lunch for either one (and we get along fine). I do ensure food is available, and if they are in in the evening I make a family dinner. I wonder if he perceives you as a "martyr" ?

I do think moving house and not telling him is rather drastic. It's a permanent solution to what may well be a temporary problem. He may grow up a bit and come to appreciate you both more once he has to stand on his own two feet.

Well maybe your husband has the courage to call the police on this abusive adult.

It doesn’t matter what the full picture is. There is no excuse for physical violence. The priority is here is protecting OP and her DH from harm at his hand.

I think his behaviour is unacceptable but I dont understand that you both agreed to keep things calm yet you take his dirty dishes to his room....is this meant to antagonise him so you have a reason to call the police?I certainly wouldn't do that...in fact he wouldn't be in my home in the first place,there's no excuse!

Absolutely this.

Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room

Leaving aside his tendency to violence, this is bizarre behaviour on your part.

I don’t understand why you would take dishes to his room. I thought you were trying to keep things calm. I agree with a previous poster that something doesn’t seem right.

No, no one sane would disagree. Your son sounds like an absolute brat and violent asshole. He needs to leave, now. And be told why. And that he's not welcome back until he's shown prolonged changes for the better. Absolutely unacceptable behaviour. How has he managed to get away with it for so long? It's one thing for his parents to tolerate his bullshit, but I'm surprised he's not taken a serious beaten by other people yet.

He may have copied keys, for peace of mind you need to change the locks as soon as he has left.

This is why people in my position never speak out because we know that we will be judged. School was difficult, home was miserable for us . We have tried everything over the years, he was assessed for ADHD at 16 private then said he just went along with the assessment to get the medication. He then refused to take it after about his months . The doctor wanted him to return to be assessed for autism but he won’t go. He moved schools quite a few times, we were desperate to find a solution.