AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

@Notmynameforthis I known this sounds hard but I think you need to push through the shame, to better protect yourself. Shame is one feeling among others, it sounds hard but try to view it as a feeling not something that is impossible/something that stops you protecting yourself. We have many thoughts, shame is 'just' one thought.

1. You really need to contact the police. You need to have some evidence, some history incase things escalate. You will not be the only person he does this to. You could do this when he leaves, it's not too late. They will also help you make a safety plan.
2. Someone above mentioned the charity for child on parent violence, please reach out to them, they will provide very specialist advice and supports. Perhaps they can even help you with a police report.
3. I also think you need to move. Does your wider family know? Will they support you? I think you need to be honest about what has been happening. My concern is they will let your son know where you've moved to.

I think you likely have years of trauma and abuse to unpack. Safety measures will help - the police, moving, etc., but I think there's more here. Why did your partner not call the police to keep you safe?

I think the dishes thing is you wanting him to do the right thing. He won't. Not unless he sees himself for who he really is and gets help. That's a him decision, not a you decision. You can't now make him do the right thing. He won't. You may feel desperate for him to change but sadly all moments like that do is make you a target again.

I'm so very sorry this has happened to you. You do not deserve this. Please keep yourself safe for the next week. Please do call the police you can ask to speak with specialist officers who work with domestic abuse - while this isn't from your partner, they will have the skills and experience as well as access to resources for you.

We are rooting for you @Notmynameforthis, you do not need to live this way.

Op that is just a shocking read. Do you have other children. Do you not think a visit from the police could shock him into behaving better. It doesn’t matter if he is gay, he could still be violent to a male partner.
What does your husband do when he hurts you like that. I feel so sad for you

This, why can’t they just be stacked in the dish washer and why would you follow him with them?Very inflammatory. Have you ever asked him about his life, if he’s ok, tried family therapy? There will be behaviours on both sides that are difficult. It doesn’t condone how he reacts however have you ever examined your behaviour op?

There is more to this.

In what circumstances has there been physical abuse?

It doesn't matter if he's gay or not OP. He can still assault his partner - male or female - and if he's already has a record with the police it will show a pattern of behaviour. If he assaults someone else in the future the fact that you've already reported him for violent behaviour in the past will make the police take it more seriously than if it's his first offence.

I understand that you don't want to rile him up, but please at least call 101 and get some advice. Your priority right now is your own safety - but it's important that you don't just brush this under the rug. You need to report it and get advice from the police about how to safely get him out of your home long-term. Women's Aid should also be able to provide you with information from a domestic violence POV, because that's what this is - domestic violence

His behaviour is completely unacceptable. There are always two sides though.
Describing someone as a monster, and considering moving never to contact him again seems so extreme. I can’t imagine how that would impact someone to have their family completely abandon them without even telling them.

He sounds a very (understatement) troubled young person (might he have a MH problem?) and makes no sense if you’re counting the days until he leaves, to antagonise further with the dishes. Know it’s against the grain but do think he’s needing stable adult mentors and might be too he knows his parents hate him.

Agree with this. I would wait till he’s back and uni and then email him.

Outline that you love him but cannot and will not tolerate his behaviour to you. He is not welcome in your home right now due to this violence towards you and disrespect for your home. He should make arrangements for somewhere to live during uni holidays as he cannot come back to the home.
However, he is your son and you leave the door open for a relationship in future if he changes.

I also agree that his violence should be reported to the police.

Why would you follow a heightened ND young person to his safe space with dirty dishes? Why are dirty dishes so important? Is their ND on your side too?

Wouldn't it have been better to wait until things died down and try to have a calm conversation?

What are the conflicts over?

Just wondering what your husband's view is? Surely he can see your sons behaviour needs sorting. Why have you tolerated this behaviour? Sorry I can't say more, I know it's been tough for you but you've got to get a grip..Talk to the police, social services, whoever, please do your best so that others don't become his victims. You can do it. Be brave.

Why did you take the dishes to his room?

To me, that sounds mithering and bothering, sort of nagging but worse. A scared person wouldn't have done this.

I don't doubt you have a very poor relationship with your son. How was he at school? Did he get into lots of trouble with other adults? He is now at university so presumably has some self discipline.

You should still report him because he could be (very likely is) a danger to other women wherever he is.

He may indeed be neurodivergent, but if he is capable of attending University, he is certainly capable of understanding that violence is completely unacceptable, at any time. Your post that mentions moving house without telling him suggests you may think there is something else going on as well, which you are scared to address? If you think he has other mental health indications (I am thinking sociopathic tendencies etc), have you discussed that with your GP? At this point I really think it would be helpful for you to talk to a domestic violence advisor, and preferably, the police.

I agree.

This. 100%.

Not everybody has a dishwasher!

He needs to be assessed. Sounds like he has antisocial personality disorder to me. He will be abusive to future partners if left unchecked.

Yeah this is confusing, if I was scared of someone I wouldn’t be bringing their dirty dishes to the door, are you ND as well OP?

Either way his behaviour is flat out unacceptable, he will do something at some point that will have devastating consequences. I do think you should talk to the police about him and flag him. I understand you may not want to do that now but you do need to do it.

What does your DH do when your son is attacking you????

Here we go…
Lets shame anyone who dares asking an ND oerson to do the bare minimum because we should all be making our day agd life about their limitations.
Thats going to work well when this guy is in a relationship….

And before you shout.
Im dusabked myself so knows a fair bit about the impact of ableism.
My dh and dc2 are both autistic. So I’m talking from lived experience.

This.

and to protect any future people he comes contact with.

He’s need it to come up on a DBS check too

Ok but you don’t need to wash crockery up immediately. Are all the arguments over possessions( new sofa, new table) and tidiness. Maybe he feels OP cares more about the house than him and is struggling to articulate it. Is he being hounded re tidiness? Has he got MH issues he needs help with?

I think I’d focus on better communication, what’s going on in his life, how I could support him whilst fostering boundaries and improve my relationship than calling the police and moving.

I would try to appease him until he leaves, then cut all contact. If you can move and be sure nobody will let on, do that. Is he likely to come back and attack you when he realises he is cut off financially?

It might be worth telling him you have advised the police of your situation and will have no hesitation in calling them if he threatens you or turns up.

The fact that he's been abusive so long means he's not going to change, sadly. I would indeed report him to the police, despite your reservations. You really are at risk and the older you become, the bigger that risk will be. Not only is it the right thing to do, if he gets a record for abuse it may help future partners that he may then in time go on to abuse.

Please change your locks. Glad considering selling up when he's next away at university. I doubt he'd even realise if the house is on the market, but you can ask the EA not to put it online I think. Sadly you need to cut ties now, he's an adult, he will have to find his way on his own. You cannot make him go to the doc, nor take medication. The buck stops with him now.

He's angry. He's violent. He's violent towards her. She's afraid of him. She and her husband are thinking of selling up and not telling him their new location.

But she's petty and punishing enough to take his unwashed dishes to his room.

The situation is nothing like your post.

Has he got siblings?

Blame the victims.

Sometimes good people have horrible children. It's easier for people who have never been through this to smugly point the finger at the parents.

Op, stay safe and good luck.