AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

People with adhd are not abusive just because they have it but your son is abusive.

Keep safe until he is gone.

Hi Op you have to what’s best for you if you can live without him in your life then yes do it.

He is 20 years old. An adult, he can take responsibility for his actions. Why should they? It sounds like they have tried all sorts. If a 20 year old can be physically abusive, he knows exactly what he is doing. No learning disability is mentioned here so it is fully on him.

Hi @Notmynameforthis

some PP have neither been kind, understanding and have no idea what it is like to parent a child like this. The victim blaming and the criticism that it is your fault is very unhelpful for you.

My Daughter is far younger than your son. She was always ‘fine, well behaved etc’ outside of the home and at school. We were regularly called ‘it is your parenting and all kids behave this way’.

But it wasn’t. She was always a challenge at home since being a young child. She would hit out, scream for hours and nothing we tried could calm her down.

It wasn’t until she hit adolescence that her behaviour at home was mirrored at school and everything escalated to the extreme (police involvement etc). She has been diagnosed with ADHD and refuses to take medication. They have told us she has ASD with a PDA profile, so any demand regardless of how insignificant it is, is met with an extreme reaction.

I’m telling you this, as she has been extremely physically abusive to everyone in our family. Directly to me (I have had the bruises etc) and to her six year old sibling.

It is hard, but you must call the police. We have had too. We have even had to call the mental health services (111), after one of her epic meltdowns (destroying items in our home, screaming etc). This did calm her down.

And to all those saying it’s the parenting. Bollocks!

I have a NT child, parented in the same way and who does not behave in the same way.

I also have a ND DN (who doesn’t speak and has severe learning difficulties), who also doesn’t behave to this extreme.

As advised, I would contact WA, contact the non emergency police and also charities that deal with child to parent violence.

To tide you over, before he leaves. Have few demands, try to have another adult with you if you can whilst at home or go out as much as you can to avoid any chance of any violence.

I'm sorry for saying this. I know how you feel but I'm still going to ask. I do know how you feel. I am in a similar situation. I would also tell DS to leave but only come back when he's mended his ways.

Do you really want to never ever see him again, is that how strongly you feel?

However, how has it come to this stage, where there is no communication between yourselves and him. A completely broken down relationship?

In my previous post, I have said my 15 year old DS's behaviour is very similar to your son's but I dearly hope its just adolescence and he will become a better person.
I obviously don't want to lose him.

I'm very sorry this is happening to you.
It is very heartbreaking to read about what is happening to you.
I wish you all the best.

Thankyou for sharing this.

Make sure to write him out of your Will immediately. That way, if he does kill you both, you can ensure he never receives a penny from your estate.

Do check the laws of the country you live in though regarding cutting children out of Wills.

You are making the right decision by cutting contact and cutting him off financially. There is something psychologically wrong with him.

@Notmynameforthis
He's always being abusive/difficult you said so yourself and he knows he's got his foot on both your backs
Put it this way
If he was your boyfriend
Would you not have gone to the police by now?
Don't let the blood is thicker than water
routine fool you
If he damages things it'll next be you
And you may not come back

Im not clear why you provoked him with the dishes. Of course he should do his dishes but hes assaulting you so I wouldnt be poking the bear shoving them in his room. The post altercation leaving them at his door. What are you trying to achieve?

That said, hes 20 and violent. Change the locks. If he comes back access depends on accountability and therapy

where is his father in all this? If you are on your own with this dangerous young man you are extremely vulnerable. Remember the Jeremy Bamber case. If there’s a dad in the picture get him to take action. Otherwise, steel yourself and report him to the police ASAP.

You should not be ashamed. The violent thug that beats his mother should be
Csll the police as supporting his violence will not end well
Will he beat his future wife and children?

why dont you at least read all the OPs posts before commenting. ?

@Jet555
Nope I and others are replying to her op. As we’ve said safety is paramount however it’s impossible to advise properly with the very little information that has been given

Whatever information the op may or may not have given, she and her dh need to be protected and it is obvious her son needs help. However, how can you make a violent person accept help from doctors or counsellors if they refuse to participate?

Some of the comments on this post have left me completely lost for words. I don’t think I’ve ever exclaimed WTF so many times.
OP, I’m so sorry that you have come for support at your lowest and been victim shamed in some appalling ways.
There has been a lot of solid advice on here and I hope you can hold onto that and disregard some of the callous and judgemental stuff.
I hope once your son is out of the house you’ll be able to take some of the other steps at your pace such as reporting him and deciding whether or not to move. I hope among the many options you could take you’ll also consider some emotional support.
It would be good to hear an update and that you are safely rid of him if you can stand to navigate this post. Either way, I’ll be thinking of you.

Gosh this sounds awful, I really feel for you. You're the victim here you have nothing to be ashamed of. Im not a psychiatrist but he sounds like a psychopath, or anti social personality i think they call it now. Prioritise your safety.

They matter not a jot to the question she has asked which relates to should she allow the son who is abusing her return to the family home.

I’m sorry life has been & is this way for you.
it’s frightening.
you have referenced he wishes you dead & you’re physically abused & threatened by him. This is insane. In Your own home. By your own adult child.
it has to stop
phone the police 101 & tell them everything.
you can do it ‘just’ to log,and you can do it to get him removed now & have them ensure he does not return to your home between now & when he leaves for uni.
They can have this information available as an alert to get to you quickly should you need to 999 them.

after he has left the country, I would absolutely move. Make it a priority. So come Christmas when he expects to return you’re not there. If you can’t sell,can you let it out via an agency & just be far away? . Tell no family/friends where you’re moving to, people have flappy mouths & will beleive what ever sob story he might tell them to locate you

honestly you both need to, be & have the right to feel & be safe.
hes an adult let him e treated as such for being a violent bully

im sorry, sending you all the strength x

I am sorry that you are going through this.

You could apply to the civil courts for a non molestation order to keep him away from you and your husband which is enforceable by the courts.
Alternatively, you could contact the police, ask them to give him a warning or you could press charges and obtain a restraining order even a non conviction restraining order to keep him away. If he breaches it, its a criminal offence and he can be prosecuted.

The problem here is that if you don't use the force of the law to help you and your DH stand up to him you will never get rid of him. He needs to understand that the balance of power has shifted and that he is no longer in control.

I hope you and your DH find the strength and courage to do this.

Why should they have to move house and give him ultimate control?
Fleeing their home like they are the perpetrators! He'd probably find them anyway. He needs to be dealt with through the courts. The courts can provide a remedy. Offences such as common assault, ABH, coercive and controlling behaviour, harassment all exist to cover situations like this but the victims have to make a complaint to put things in motion. If they are not prepared to do this, things won't change, they will just escalate.

You need to call the police is what you need to do.

He needs to understand what he is doing is assault, and illegal.

If you don’t stand up to him firmly and place him on police’s radar he will be very violent to any future romantic partner. You must ensure he’s known to the police. Report to 101 and make sure they log it, even if you don’t want him arrested.

When he’s gone back to uni contact him and tell him not to return. I’d change the locks.

Have you and your husband had any therapy to look into this? I only ask because taking dirty dishes to his room was a highly provocative, confrontational thing to do, it’s extremely surprising you would do this given everything else you have told us about your son, and it makes me wonder if the three of you have somehow built this horrible and dysfunctional dynamic between you all over the years. If that’s the case, therapy could help you unpick that, even if your son isn’t involved in the therapy.

So very sad for you. I agree with the others you need to contact the police and move away. You have done your best for him unless he gets professional help there is little you can do.

Oh yes. Don’t prod the highly aggressive bear.

You sound like an apologist for domestic violence.

I did and the only reference to her dh is to say that they both agree to keep things calm. The brunt of all the violence has fallen on her. What is her dh (assuming he is the brute’s father) doing about all this? Is he just standing back, keeping calm and letting his son attack his mother?

Call the Police and Women’s Aid for help. Sadly one in 10 of all women who died at the hands of men in the UK over the past 15 years were mothers killed by their sons