AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

So many judgey people in this thread. I know someone with three kids, two perfectly normal and one just as your son is. All these kids are now young adults and abusive son hasn’t changed but fortunately no longer lives at home. You’re not alone OP.

No he isn't just doing that, he is also telling her to count down the days until the violent piece of scum goes back to uni.

What a wonderful "protector" he is - seems clear why the vile son has got away with beating his poor mother for so long

He should have laid into his son the first time - verbally at first and if that didnt work then physically and thrown his arse out. Bullies need a taste of their own medicine

As PPs have said, firstly you need to report him for domestic abuse. Then, once he's gone back to uni change the locks.
As an aside though, I'm not sure the answer to him refusing to wash up is to take the dirty dishes to his room. That's only ever going to rile up someone of his temperament. Should you walk on eggshells? Absolutely not. I just think it's wise to pick your battles...

Jesus H this is shit, some bizarre opinions on here - I know this is AIBU but some of the replies are just outrageous. If this was a woman being abused by a partner would you posting well yeah we only have YOUR side of the story you must have provoked him etc etc

As a few posters have pointed out though there are charities specifically for parents being abused by their own children, and I'd say OP needs urgent advice - as someone said upthread, mothers are killed by their own sons.

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk

It is clear that you are loving and dutiful parents. You don't have to give that up, even if he is not a good son to you. He is abusive, but may also be a troubled person, if he spends all his time in his room.

I think that for your own peace of mind you should not cut him off completely. Continue the financial support until he is on his own two feet and able to support himself independently. Keep in touch by text or letter (not phone calls, unless emergency). Explain that for your safety and the sake of the parent-son relationship, it doesn't work for him to stay at home, but you are happy to meet him in a neutral setting. If this arrangement doesn't work, you could take further steps to remove him from your life.

Gosh some people are born bad. He is a violent narcissist most likely and is someone you do not deserve to suffer.
I am so sorry OP.
I am sorry that some of the posters here are assuming that your son must be a product of bad parenting or environment. It isn’t fair.
Move. Feel no guilt. Get some peace. Make sure you manage to be untraceable. He will try and find you. You are his punchbags.

My eldest son is now 34,ive made excuses in the past for his hot temper ,quick to react at things he didnt agree with etc.I split up with his father when he was young and looking back i over compensated because i felt bad thought hed been let down etc made excuses for him.Fast forward to now ,his drinking too much,smoking weed ,came to the family home twice in 3 weeks being abusive,assaulting his younger brother,trying to break the frontdoor down when i banned him from the home due to his bad behaviour.Trying to safeguard all my children that still live at home.I ended up calling the police on my own son,hardest thing ive ever done as i know he needs help etc but he cannot try to physically hurt his own family on 2 occasions.A warrant has been out for his arrest but still no news on whether his been picked up,we are stressed,hurt and feel totally vulnerable as he said he will come back.Do what you have to do now its important! Wished id addressed his behaviour earlier! Dont be me! Its hard i wish you luck x

Do you have other children or is he an only child?
If he is it may be easy to feel a failure in parenting. But as an adult he is responsible for his behaviour and he must own it.
Your safety is paramount.
He needs help but only he can consent to help because of his age.
Stay safe!

OP how did you get the bruise? Sorry if that sounds like a silly question... Did he hit you (intentionally), barge past in a huff, slam down the item he had etc... it's important context.

If you have already explained this and I have missed it sorry

Are people aware that they can click on 'see all' on the bottom right of the OP's first post and get all the information they need?

I wasn't!

I have found the relevant post now.

I agree about calling the police. If OP has any concerns that this may be a mental health issue/ unmet ND needs then I think in her shoes I would also be looking at what services he may need referring. To e.g. Mental health team (not for the ND, but the ND puts you at much higher risk of MH probs) or social care if there are younger siblings etc.

OP I'm sorry you're going through this.

Other posters have recommended a specific support history ... Maybe see what they offer?

I hope you're okay, OP. A lot of people seem to believe that a difficult or violent child must be the product of their upbringing, but genetics plays a huge part, as does the influence of peers and social groups. Not to mention sheer, blind luck in terms of life experiences that have nothing to do with the parents.

What a mean thing to say.

The op states, we both know we will pay the price of we challenge him... Yet the very next paragraph she takes a load of dirty dishes to his bedroom were he is silently listening to music..

My sister is a bit like this. She, is extremely jealous of one of our sisters especially. I recall a few incidents, one where she was drying the dishes one day, she was about 10, and she started slapping my mother with the tea towel. Another time she accused our sister of taking her school shirt and she actually tore the shirt in a temper. She also slapped my sister across the face on her wedding day! All of these incidents were unprovoked. We were all four of us raised the same by loving parents. We knew she was different from us and she was also treated differently by our mother especially. We suspect undiagnosed autism or possibly Asperger’s as she is very musically talented and has perfect pitch. She did grade 8 in piano and 6 in violin and studied music in college. She also has OCD and is a hoarder. And possibly has bipolar. My poor late father on his deathbed told one of my sisters that his biggest regret is that they never got any help for my sister. She was never diagnosed with anything. And changes gp like you’d change shoes! We don’t live in the UK in case you’re wondering how this is possible. She was also extremely verbally abusive to our late father and he was a lovely mild mannered man. This all happened within the home as she is usually very careful not to explode in public! Sorry for hyjacking your thread op but I really do understand where you are coming from. Our mother has always had a very bury your head in the sand attitude about the situation and even refuses to, or doesn’t seem to see that my nephew and my first cousin’s son are autistic and/or ADHD. Part of it stems from our country’s attitude of ignoring mental health issues, I think.

Does he have a personality disorder? Not making any excuses for him! He sounds very similar to my elder brother. My brother has borderline personality disorder.

he can take responsibility for his actions
Nowhere have I implied otherwise.

Why should they?
Because the problem doesn't disappear if they wash their hands of him. Because that's what being a parent is.

It sounds like they have tried all sorts
Besides calling the police, sourcing actual help, talking to adult social services, court-mandated behaviour change programmes, anger management, a proper psychiatric assessment, talk therapy, family counselling, absolutely anything besides an assessment at 16...??

I'm not for a moment suggesting OP should have the son in her house. But there are many many steps between here and cutting all ties.

Please get the police involved at once before he kills you

I agree with this.

i am dealing with a similar situation in my wider family with a grown man behaving like this.

it is very likely my relative has ADHD and autism, but it wasn’t recognised when he was young.

I’ve suspected it because I have ND DC and I recognise the difficulties he has in dealing with emotions.

in the case of my relatives, the trouble maker had a happy, loving childhood. His 2 siblings are both lovely,
well adjusted adults. The parents are good parents.

some children are extremely difficult to raise. I have a DC who is a nightmare, but his siblings are great. Been a dream to bring up.

like @Artnedot i had to change my parenting style completely with the ND child. It really made a difference, but parenting them has been 10x harder than the others.

It Really boils my piss when people with zero experience of ND children comment, and think because their kid was easy, they are experts in child rearing.

You really do have to report this to the police it is definitely not normal and if you’ve been physically or verbally abused he will go on to do this to someone else. You can’t just bury your head in the sand and pretend if it’s not happening to you that’s ok.

This! It’s not ok and he is now an adult and you can’t risk being abused in your own home. But I’d also be asking myself how on earth it got to this? Has he had any help in the past? Is DH his dad? Does he step in?

And also don’t seem to understand that help and support really isn’t out there.

I'm sorry OP you are going through this. Our DS was verbally abusive to me whist he lived with us after returning from renting in the city. He left earlier this year. We were all relieved.

I grew up with a violent mother and sister. My sister broke my nose (twice) , my arm and my finger. It was all made worse by the fact my mother was a police officer. My sister used to tell me they'd put me in a home. I was abused by a relative and I never told my parents. I lead a frightened childhood.

I have now become involved in DV charities and the protection of women and girls. I agree that your son is a risk to future partners. Do not allow him the opportunity to hurt someone.
Fwiw my DD is a trainee forensic psychologist and I understand from her these patterns of violence start early. Was this the case with your son? Additionally cocaine is a drug that makes people angry.
Call the police OP.