AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

Op if you can’t report him to the police for you, then do it for his future partners. It needs to be on his record. Acting now may nip it in the bud - if you do nothing he will certinally turn into a complete monster.
second others who say also change the locks when he’s left and tell him he’s not welcome back due to his abuse.

F off with your blaming the victim. That’s not how you deal with someone like this anyway.

Reported

Gosh I hope the poor sister cut her off! Slapping her on her wedding day? My brother has been abusive and jealous of me my entire life (literally from when I was a baby he would hurt me on purpose). I’ve been no contact for 6yrs and no regrets.

This sounds like a very distressing situation for you amd one that isn't easy because he's your son.

You've done everything you can but he is abusive to you. I agree with other posters, call the police. He isn't being held accountable for his actions and needs to be. You don't deserve to be verbally and physically abused.

If you do contact the police, do it before he returns to uni. Make it a point that he is not welcome back in your home after this stay due to his escalating behaviour. Get your locks changed.

He needs to realise this behaviour is completely unacceptable and that there are consequences.

Does he treat people at uni the same? I assjme not if he is returning. Why he is so resentful? What is causing his behaviour?

This is such a difficult situation. I have a great deal of empathy with the OP because my youngest son is somewhat similar in profile, although because his mental health issues are so obvious, he presents primarily as vulnerable. It may be that OP's son is equally vulnerable, but this is masked by his high level of achievement e.g. attending university, completing formal education and so on.

I will not go into my son's difficulties in detail (this is not my thread), but I will say that in our case, the behavioural difficulties come from extreme anxiety and an obsessive need to control the environment and everyone in it (at the moment, that is just me).

We have contacted the police in the past and they have come round to talk to my son. This has been helpful and it has given us a certain degree of reassurance because we know the situation is known to the authorities. We have never pressed charges. A criminal record would not be helpful to our son.

Currently, my son and I are working with CMHT and housing agencies to try to find him some supported accommodation, because as I become older, I am sure my son's control will become more vigorous as my health and stability become less predictable.

OP, I would advise a talk to the police. I do not think cutting off your son, changing locks etc should be actioned unless it is established that your son has somewhere else to go and other networks of support. He is only 20.

That said, the physical abuse and destruction of property should be a cause for the police to be informed.

I am sorry if this is not a helpful post, but my son was so explosive at 20. He is 25 now and his mental health has completely collapsed. I was just wondering if the OP's son's behaviour masked serious mental health issues.

We are meant to have unconditional love, or at least unconditional support, for our children while they're still children. Once they're adults then the relationship changes to a more equal one and one side can absolutely cut off the other if there is mistreatment etc.

There is no ethical requirement for you to have your 20 yo son living with you or to stay in contact with him if you don't want to.

There is. This is not a sensible message to give out. There are charities and if parents can afford private education they can afford private mental health treatment and family therapy.You can also badger NHS services and schools whilst they are children. Schools have a safeguarding role and should log violence in the home.

I hope you can find the strength to talk to the police, it doesn’t mean you have to press charges. But it does mean you’re getting some outside help. They may even be able to help you going forward.

I totally understand you not wanting him back in your home, the fact that your son is physically violent to you and your property must be heartbreaking as well as frightening.

I hope you find a solution and some help x

To be honest we are all low contact with her. My other sisters usually meet my mother at their own houses. They only come over to my mother’s place if I or my two DDs are up for the weekend and since my dad died a few years ago we don’t visit at that much. She makes it very uncomfortable and we’re walking on eggshells in case we trigger her. She has her own house but because of the hoarding she basically lives at my mums house! She doesn’t even have a kettle and I believe she hasn’t even plugged in the fridge that was brand new when she moved in!

Have just RTFT and I’am so sorry you have been going through this abuse for years. I don’t want to add any further advice re: contacting the police however I would be mindful of being alone in the house when he leaves. Is it possible for your husband/family support to be there? You and your husband appear to be caring and supportive parents who are traumatised by your son’s actions.

Once he graduates that’s it . Your job is done . Don’t let him come back in the holidays and change the locks .

Jesus, my brother wouldn’t have lived to see another day if he laid hands on my mum.
What is your husband doing in all of this? Is he your son’s father?
How and when it get out of control like this?
I really feel for you, OP, but he needs a battering.

Police
Change locks
Change phone number

I really feel for you and your husband and agree with moving house. The one thing I’m not convinced about is that you are the only people he behaves like this towards. I would say even if he’s not currently there is a high potential for him to do similarly to someone in the future. You need to contact the police for your sake, for any future persons sake and for your son’s sake. He’s now an adult and even if ND has to take responsibility for his actions. I actually think going non contact is a good idea but I also think you and your husband need to be honest with him about your reasons otherwise he is likely to end up even more volatile towards others going forward. I am also concerned that he has told you he wishes you both dead. This is something to take seriously from someone who is already violent and needs reporting.

You were antagonising him by taking the dishes to him. No point starting an argument/fight you can’t win.

did you honestly think taking the dishes to him room would encourage him to wash them without a row ?

call the police and have him removed.

You were antagonising him by taking the dishes to him

If my old mum brought dishes to me in my room because they were dirty and mine and i rejected them she would have bounced every single one off my head and then belted me for being cheeky.

The problem now is soft parenting - can't upset the children can we... and no he's not ND OR ADHD or any of the other things he acn be - he's a bully who doesn't care. END OF.

It sounds like you may be dealing with an actual psychopath here, as long as what you're saying is true and there isn't any sort of trauma or anything. For him to just repeatedly attack his parents, wish them poverty and death and have absolutely no remorse or empathy is far from normal,even if he was ND.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by completely cutting him odd, I also think moving away sounds like the best plan here so he can't track you down.

Whata frustrating thread. I gave the correct advice very early on. Call the police and kick him out

You have a right to feel safe in your own home regardless of your sons issues.

Letting him go without bringing things to a head means the issue is not dealt with. It needs police intervention plus a united message from you and your husband.

Ive seen messages about husbands sticking up for wives etc on this thread. Its not about physical interactions from husbands. Its about united fronts. I am 100% certain that at whatever age if any of my children had touched me they would have been dealt with by me (If i was able) or my partner if needed. Its not about who is big or strong or aggressive enough. Its about united message that in a home environment the parents are in charge and you NEVER raise a finger to them. You are way beyond this stage and i disspair at parents who leave it so long until their child is too old to control themselves or their anger.

CALL THE POLICE

Oh God this sounds awful. Can you put your house up for sale and move away? Without telling him?

well if you read her posts you would know she said he was a great father to her son growing up and is normally out at work so.she is dealing with the majority of it alone. And that he has hit his father in the past as well.

How are you doing OP? I hope you are ok.

Oh give over over with the dishes.

Just because ger husband is a man doesn’t mean he’s capable of violence or beating some one up. He shouldn’t have to do that and it’s unfair to expect it.

Just because ger husband is a man doesn’t mean he’s capable of violence or beating some one up. He shouldn’t have to do that and it’s unfair to expect it.

Yes and also the father would be in serious trouble if he beat up the son.
Op it sounds a nightmare and I really hope you get resolution.