AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

[Notmynameforthis]

i am not sure where to post this but we are in a desperate situation. My son now 20 has always been very difficult, extremely rude and verbally abusive and physical abusive to me at times. I feel deeply ashamed .He is currently at home from university and just like the last time he was here I have bruises again. He is very aggressive and we both know we will pay the price if we challenge him .
We don’t want him to come back again, he is so unreasonable and we are worn down at this stage. He returns to university next week due to a commitment he has there before term starts. We will be cutting off money and he will survive without it but if he doesn’t I don’t care anymore.

This morning I made breakfast ( my husband and I both agreed to keep things calm and just count the days until he is gone) Afterwards I asked him to wash his dishes up . He didn’t and went straight back to his room with ear buds in ( he does this all day) . I brought the diishes to his room, he pushed me out the door and put the dishes outside, then he went to the sitting room and threatened to pour the milk from his cereal on my sofas which are brand new . He has already smashed my new table with his phone during his time here.

We need to make sure he doesn’t return, does anyone disagree.

If he is neurodivergent ( which he may be because that is what the therapist thought when he was younger) wouldn’t the CIT be better trained to deal with him to calm him down so things don’t go from bad to worse?

That was if he got violent with OP again before leaving.

Call the police
they're needs to be a record
he will hurt others
YOU need to act responsibly
by reporting him now

ND isn’t a mental illness. Crisis intervention supports those in MH crisis. They decide who they support not the other way round and the bar is high.

So sorry you've had to endure this, OP.

YANBU, not at all.

I think people are far more likely’to put up’ with it from their children and before they get to breaking point

Of course I'm not blaming the OP. You are very wrong. But what happens in your childhood generally dictates your behaviour in relationships as an adult. That is not the same as saying it's the OPs fault what has happened to her.

I do feel for you. No one should feel scared in their own home. My parents went through something similar. It took a lot to persuade them to involve the police, but once they did and my brother was made aware that if he came back to the house they would call the police he did totally back off . Until years later when out of the blue they got a letter simultaneously offering an apology and asking for money!!!! Needless to say they did not respond though it did break my mum’s heart.
Please protect yourselves by approaching the police. Stay safe and good luck.

Good point.

Has he seen a psychiatrist? That is completely abnormal behaviour. Is he smoking cannabis? That sometimes changes people and makes them aggressive. Or maybe he has a cocaine addiction. Again, that can make people aggressive. Something is seriously wrong with a boy who is ‘normal’ and intelligent enough to attend university yet leaves bruises on his mum and dad when he comes home. Frankly, I wonder if he is a budding psychopath. It’s not acceptable OP. You shouldn’t be putting up with this.

Your advice is poor and simply blames the OP and her DH. I doubt very much you have any experience of being on the receiving end of domestic violence or of dealing with the consequences.

You need to document everything thats happened and report him to the police. I think you can do this online. You need to protect yourself and your husband as he seems to be escalating.

You may well be right about CIT ( and so I misunderstood its function), but even if you are right that autism is not a ‘mental health’ condition, I think it is thought to be a condition affecting some people in such a way that it ought to be considered by the criminal justice system when dealing with a person affected by it.

^Treatment of adults with
autism by the criminal
justice system^
researchbriefings.files.parliament.uk/documents/CDP-2018-0022/CDP-2018-0022.pdf

OP the very very best thing you could possibly do to help not only yourselves but also your Son (not that that is your priority now) is to report his abuse, and his assault to the police. It is entirely possible that he may come and seek to punish you once he realizes you have cut him off financially, that punishment will be an escalation of his violence. He may well kill you. You need the police to be aware and able to react immediately if you need them.
I say this from a place of understanding as I sadly had to call the police on my 15yo son earlier this year. After he hit my husband 5 times, things had been escalating for a while with verbal abuse, pushes and shoves etc.
the police took it extremely seriously and arrested him. It was an absolutely massive wake up call for my Son and we have seen a shift in his attitude.

Absolutely, you've done your bit, raised him to independence, if he chooses to be this way you don't need to have him in your home any longer. You need to keep yourselves safe.

You need to be calling the police. He may be your son but do you not worry who else he is assaulting when he’s out of sight out of mind? Please speak to a DV charity and talk it through to give yourself some courage.

Are you in the UK? If so, you could look at getting a Non-moleststion order out against him and a charity called https://www.ncdv.org.uk/ can help you apply. This is a civil injunction.
I would also recommend an app called Hollie Guard. It's a free app although you can pay for more features. This is a free safety app, which you can easily activate on your phone and it will notify your husband there is a problem, it will also video what is happening without your sons knowledge. There are videos on their website which explains how to use it.
You sound like you have a plan in place, but if he gets violent again then please consider calling the police. They are there to help and it may be the shock he needs.

If it'll take a while before you can sell your house, book a holiday for Christmas, so if he does turn up it'll be to an empty house. Get a doorbell camera so you can call the police if he tries to break in. Maybe tell him you'll be away.

You’ve said that you’re not having him back once he leaves.

If you don’t call the police now, things could escalate further one day, causing harm to others.

You know he’s dangerous, you have a responsibility to address it.

I'm sorry things are like this OP.
Can you go away for a few days to stay safe until he leaves?

I'd definitely consider selling up and moving once he's gone. If not, take legal advice about how to keep him away.

Take care

I think that story is 100% fiction. Unlike the OP's experience, which sounds both real and heartbreaking.

@NotmynameforthisI understand why you are hesitant to call the police, and I can imagine how difficult it would be to do so. But I hope that you do involve the police.

Change the locks and report him to the police

OP, hide the kitchen knives.

This means one of two things - 1. He has some form of ND, is masking well at uni and then falling apart in his safe space at home with his parents (which is absolutely no excuse for violence and abuse) or 2. He is just a nasty piece of work who can be nice as anything out with the home but choses to wilfully be disrespectful, violent and mean at home for reasons which are unclear. This has nothing to do with you or your husband and neither of you should feel ashamed about his conduct.

You mentioned he went along with ADHD assessment to get the meds. Why? Does he have an addiction problem? Again not an excuse for his behaviour.

Absolutely report to the police, change the locks and kick him out of the property. He needs a short sharp shock.

Big hugs.

I'm so sorry this sounds horrendous, especially as a mother.

I dont think your doing him any favours by not calling the police tbh! Its assult and he's being able to get away with it!

There's no way this behaviour wont re occur (maybe not now) but deffo he will be a risk in intimidate relationships.

Personally I would report him to the police and press charges. Then get a non molestation order out against him. Make it so that he can't come any where near your house. He needs to start being accountable for his behaviour.

Get ring door bells around your house and stop being ashamed. This is far more common than you think.

Neurodiversity may be an issue, such as ADHD or autism, but there are also very rare cases of personality disorder that can present often from childhood. Characterised by narcissism, impulsivity, lack of empathy, lack of thought of cause and effect. Sometimes cruelty to animals is seen in childhood. Some can be very charming, but only for self gain. It may be in part a difference in how the brain is wired. I knew a kid like this once professionally. He was frankly scary.
I know nothing of you or your parenting, but be aware that some people are not normally wired and much harder to parent/ much more likely to develop this kind of disorder. You may well have done absolutely nothing wrong.
I am sure that on some level you still love your son. For his own protection from his own actions and for the protection of others, its a good idea to get professionals involved if this is the case. Thats my opinion.
Then you will know that you have done your best, for your son and for society. You can move so he can't find you, and you can hope that things turn out better for him. There is always hope.