AIBU to be mildly annoyed when greeted in my own home throughout the day?

[Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice]

DH and I are normally a very close and loving couple but very different in this respect and I find myself irritated at times.

I greet him (very warmly and affectionately) first thing in the morning if we've woken up separately, or if one of us comes home from being out.

He has to verbally acknowledge me literally every single time our paths cross in the house. If one of appears up or down the stairs. If one of us comes out of the bathroom and encounters the other. When one comes inside from the garden. It's most often accompanied by a banal and rhetorical question; Watching TV? All finished? All clean? Minding your own fucking business? (OK, I made that last one up.)

Do you do this?
If you don't, would you find it annoying?

I think it would be more unusual not to acknowledge the other person.

But usually more with a hug or a 'hi' or I'm making a coffee would you like one?

Stupid questions would irritate me.

I think if you’ve got to the point in your marriage where your husband simply acknowledging you each time he sees you is this annoying, it’s probably run it’s course.

I agree

If normal daily interaction is bothering you this much something is very wrong

he's literally just saying ordinary every day things that you say when you live with someone

Oh not at all, we are very close, very much in love. If you've got a mental image of a crusty old couple who barely tolerate each other and only stay together 'for the kids' that is not us.

I just don't particularly like having to constantly tell him what I am doing and what I have done when he can see the answer for himself. I wouldn't mind a smile and a quick word or a kiss or a squeeze, it's the questions. To me, they feel patronising and attention seeking.

But I will take your (and others') point that you consider it normal behaviour. That's actually what I was asking for - not advice on the state of my marriage. I'm an only child and an introvert, so I accept my outlook is probably skewed.

ETA: I probably should have explained that all waffling, verbal and written, in work and in life, annoys me so this is not about DH really, he's just the one I hear it from the most. If I lived with literally anyone who did this it would annoy me.

You have a short fuse. Put yourself in his position, do you scowl at him when he speaks to you at inconvenient times? It sounds like he gives you a lot of space anyway. You are cranky, he’s learned to keep his distance and you need to learn how to be more tolerant of others feelings if you want the marriage to last: take up jogging to decompress.

To add. I can feel cranky too but make a conscious effort to keep it to myself.

He wants to engage with you.

Why on earth haven't you just told him this? It can't be that great a marriage if you're so completely unable to communicate your very reasonable needs or he's unable to hear them.

My DH does this too, sometimes saying hello three times in a row until I answer him; he may have just come in from the garden or have been doing something with one of the DC, nevertheless he greets me. I’ve learnt to acknowledge it and greet back. He even does it when coming back from being on the loo . I’m sure that I do questionable things too.

Your post is confusing because what you're annoyed about doesn't seem to be being "greeted" (which you say you'd actually like) but instead being asked what you're doing.

I don't mind either tbh. It's better than passing in silence. Although we usually just go for an arse slap.

I think you’ve worded the title/OP in a way that people don’t get what you mean. It sounds like you’re fed up with the pointless banal chit chat rather than him actually acknowledging that you exist when he sees you, would that be correct? I sort of understand what you mean. It’s not exactly the same but we have these pointless shallow interactions with PILs where they just say really obvious things. There was a thread about people mindlessly posting in Facebook groups and PILs came to mind. For example: “I’ve lost my cat” “Did you check your back garden?” or “My car’s in the garage because it won’t start.” “Did you try turning the key in the ignition?” They went to grammar schools so god only knows how they ended up here conversationally but it’s hard because you want to discuss something properly and they just keep every conversation at a surface level that would be better suited to Love Island contestants.

Exactly. These are little bids for connection. They’re a good sign. It’s when they stop that you want to worry.

OMG.

I haven't said anything because I had a suspicion that I was just being an irritable old cow and I love him and don't want to cause offence over trivial things.

So I asked here FIRST to gauge if this was normal behaviour and I was reasonable to be irritated by it.

I have people telling me the marriage is over because I feel irritated, then I have people like you telling me I'm 'very reasonable' be irritated but the marriage might as well be over because I haven't told him.

Honestly.

Yes, thank you. I can see I didn't word it well to start with.

In this case it's mostly a series of questions for which the reply is always 'yes'.
I'm sitting on the sofa doing nothing - having a rest?
I come out of the shower - all clean?
I come out of the toilet - all good?
I'm sitting outside in the sunshine - you came outside?
I come in with an empty washing basket - all hung out?

It's the kind of sing-song chatter you'd have with a toddler to keep building their language.

I think from both considered replies like yours and all the drama llamas telling me my marriage is doomed, I've decided that I should just continue to take a little breath smile and agree with him like I currently do, it's not worth making a fuss over.

That's mumsnet for you 😅

Honestly - there's no right or wrong answer here, it's just personal preference.

But if this irritating you then you need to tell him.

That would annoy me too. It's just talking for the sake of it. 'All good' after you've been to the bathroom??

I think this would annoy me if he is stating the obvious when he does this.

Could you tell him that he doesn't need to make a comment on what you are doing every time? Say it too him in a jokey way so it doesn't upset him.

Sounds like you don't want to face that it's clearly all over, and ducks need to be arranged in rows.

Just think, next time he comes in from the garden he'll see what you're doing and ask, "Tidying up the ducks?"

(Just kidding 😂)

They’re called bids for connection, and research has shown that responding to each others bids for connection are one of the strongest indicators of whether a relationship will go the distance.

Something to consider is what form your bids for connection take? Are you doing that in a different way? Does he respond to yours?

This sort of thing matters a lot.

we are very close, very much in love

Your other descriptions don't match this at all! This is so so far from my experience of being "in love"

Have you tried giving him the same treatment and gauging his response? Does he enjoy it or does it confuse/irritate him? Try it and see.

I wouldn't say anything negative for fear of making him self consious about all verbalization with you.
It is just a difference in communication.

Try wearing ear buds and listening to music sometimes - give a little wave.
Try saying something first, before he does.
Try blowing a kiss.
Try a hug.

When I read the OP I thought “this is how my 5yo talks” 😹 it would drive me batty too!

It would drive me crackers. Constant interruption for no reason.

Yeah DH and I talk to eachother throughout the day about what we're doing, we like each other. They're not really yes or no questions. "Having a rest" "yeah I've just hung the washing up, got 10 minutes till the dishwasher is done and I'm nackered today so having a sit down while I wait, how's your job going?" Etc etc etc

It sounds like he likes and loves you, it doesn't really sound like you do him. Be careful he doesn't start feeling that way if you do like him. Trying to talk to a wall all the time will get quite lonely. You'll notice when he stops bothering talking to you.

Oh op I totally get you and often feel the same way and my marriage isn’t in peril 😂
I wfh a few days a week, dh is self employed and in and out throughout the day. Every time he comes in and seeks me out to ask if I’m busy, not for any reason other than to just speak! If I’m making lunch and he comes home while I’m doing it he’ll ask, “making lunch?” - what does it look like I’m doing, the fucking hula??
Anyway I love him plenty, but it’s rather at odds to who he is too as he’s not one for banal idle chit chat with people in general!
Like you, I tend to just smile and reply as I realise that I’m possibly just a stroppy cow sometimes!