AIBU to be mildly annoyed when greeted in my own home throughout the day?

[Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice]

DH and I are normally a very close and loving couple but very different in this respect and I find myself irritated at times.

I greet him (very warmly and affectionately) first thing in the morning if we've woken up separately, or if one of us comes home from being out.

He has to verbally acknowledge me literally every single time our paths cross in the house. If one of appears up or down the stairs. If one of us comes out of the bathroom and encounters the other. When one comes inside from the garden. It's most often accompanied by a banal and rhetorical question; Watching TV? All finished? All clean? Minding your own fucking business? (OK, I made that last one up.)

Do you do this?
If you don't, would you find it annoying?

He’ll drift away eventually and create an Ai doll 😬

All hung up? All clean? Why did you marry someone so infantile and annoying?

https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

this is an interesting theory on these kind of exchanges

DD1 says hello to me about 50 times a day in the house. That’s pretty weird too and drives me a bit mad.

My MIL used to repeat to my daughter (when she was a baby) "Whatcha doing?" Every two minutes or so as she was holding her. Drove me BONKERS but it wasn't hurting anyone so I let it be. Now she actually talks to her and has only done it briefly with my son.

Hmmm yes, my DH does this some days. Always has to make a comment every time I bloody move! Where you going? You OK? You going in the garden? You been out today? Heard from the kids? Have you spoken to anyone today? Been working today? Been for a walk? Have you changed your hairstyle (when I haven't!) Seen any of the neighbours today? Going in the kitchen? Who just texted you? etc etc etc, sooooooo many questions! 😬

I have been with him for almost 35 years/married over 30, and have taught myself to manage it. I know we shouldn't have to 'manage' things our own partners do, but quite honestly, marriage, whilst it's got its benefits and good points, it is hard work sometimes too.

Like, in maybe 3-4 days of any given week, he has periods of time - when he can't go more than 2 minutes without talking. And half the time it's pointless drivel, just to fill the silence. I can't sit and read a book, or concentrate on anything because he keeps interrupting me. I can't watch one of my dramas, or a film, or Corrie or anything, because he chats throughout it, and keeps asking questions about it. So I either miss half of it, or I have to keep stopping it to answer his questions! He isn't watching, and is on his phone or computer in the dining area (we have a lounge diner) and he isn't interested, but he keeps asking questions! (He's not like it ALL the time, but maybe 60%!)

I work from home too (most of the time) and have to do it when he's in bed or at work. He never ever leaves the house without me (apart from the 3 days one week/4 days the next 9.30am to 4pm job he has.) So, much of what I do has to be done when he's not here, or is in bed. Thankfully, he goes to bed at 9pm to 9.30pm, so I have a good 2-3 hours to myself before I go!

But yeah, I have had to learn to manage him, and adjust things accordingly.

He used to stand in the doorway stopping me getting through, until I gave him a hug, It got on my nerves so much, and I tolerated it for a few years, then this one day, he did it for a third time in 3-4 hours, and I rolled my eyes and said 'oh for fuck's sake just let me into the bastard kitchen!' He looked so hurt and upset, but I said 'you know I love you, and am happy with hugs now and again, but 'hug hug hug, you can't get past unless I get a hug,' like a toddler, 3 times in one morning is ridiculous. In fact, it's bloody annoying most of the time. Is it really necessary?!' He didn't do it again. Thank God!!!

May sound like hard work/too much effort, but as I say, when you're married, you do have to adjust and make compromises. As I said, we do have some good times, and some laughs, and I enjoy his company most of the time, but he can be hard work some days!

And yes, he does the 'did you enjoy your shower?' and 'did you enjoy your walk?' and 'did you enjoy your nap?' kind of thing most days too! ALWAYS got to ask questions.. 😆

.

I come out of the shower - all clean?
I come out of the toilet - all good?

That would drive me absolutely mental.

‘All good?’

’Yes, just done a massive shit’

😁

My husband does this and i agree with you it is very annoying.I too love my husband and we have a very happy marriage but the constant,"all done"when ive finished my tea or like you when ive had a shower"all done and dusted".His sister is the same and when they visit i get double questions.My husband doesnt read books but im a book lover,everytime i pick up a book its "oh are you reading".I often turn it into a joke and say no im painting the windows..😁

This is one reason why I’m glad I’m not married. 😂

I couldn’t bear being constantly accosted with inane conversational gambits. I’m naturally solitary and like going about my business without outside comment.

It is something I notice when I’m a guest in the homes of married couples - the constant checking in with each other over every banal thing.

I’m just going upstairs.

I’m just putting the blanket in the cupboard.

I’m just opening the biscuits.

🙄🙄🙄

These are possibly from the perpetrator’s side - but it’s intensely annoying.

But if you’re so intensely in love, @Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice can you not just tell your spouse that you need considerably more un-commented upon space and silence within a normal day?

Just kiss him before he can say anything.

You don't have to listen to idle chitchat, and I imagine he'll be perfectly happy with the extra affection!

Haha @YoQuieroVino 😄 I'd love to see his face! It does somewhat take the mystery out of things with the constant questions. I don't think I could tolerate someone as 'attentive' as OP's DH.

Some of these responses are mental!! 😆

Yes OP. LTB!

Seriously through, in a time where couples are massively just together because of money, finances, control, whatever - I'd say you're doing amazing to have a loving and close relationship.

I get it, if it's irritates you, it irritates you, but I think it's quite lovely to have somebody acknowledging you. It shows he's emotionally open to you.

YANBU, it would irritate me too.

I think it strange not to acknowledge?

If it was the odd comment here and there then it probably wouldn’t bother me but if it’s all the time, it would drive me crazy!
If I was sat in the garden and he said, ‘Oh are you having a rest?’, I’d reply with, ‘No, I’m frying a fish’. I’m a sarcastic cow though!

I find it hard to get my head around your issue tbh. If we've been in separate parts of the house then enter the same room, I just can't not acknowledge my husband. It comes naturally to me . It's obviously various comments depending upon what's happening eg: here's a cuppa, you OK, gosh it's hot in the kitchen, the cat has just projectile vomited or my most used one Are you ready? He is the same with me and he would think there was something wrong if I didn't say anything at all.

I would find all those statements irritating. He's stating the obvious, which must be tedious.

I'm autistic, and have some limitations with communication which my DH understands thankfully. I love my DH dearly, but I'd have to tell him that I don't understand the point of his questions. Asking someone if they're 'all clean' after a shower - WTH!

I get your point @Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice I can't advise on what to do though, because I can guarantee that my need for direct communication wouldn't be the same as most people 😁

This would annoy me too

Yes the - 'sitting outside?', are you reading? - the statements of the bloody obvious or asking me what I'm doing when it's competely bloody obvious. I try not do sarcasm too much as that probably has got old for him too now.

On the other hand the complete over the top mutual love ins he has with the dog - even if they have only been in slightly different rooms for 2 minutes does make me wonder if he should put in a bit more of an effort with me ...hmmmm

What the Op described and many others are NOT bids for connection, which are mutually nuturing of the relationship
So either partner at varying times

Coming in from the shop
" I got your favourite biscuits"

Reading the paper
" theres an article here about your favourite film, actor, book"

Noting tiredness
" would you like help, a cup of tea?"

What Op described and what I experienced and so many other women is men outsourcing their mental load/ needs for stimulation or attention onto women
I have heard the phrase "using my brain instead of your own"

If it looks like Im reading thats what Im doing, I dont want to be interrupted to be asked if Im doing just that
I dont want to be asked 7 times whats for dinner, listen the first time
Ditto
"What time is it "
Check yourself
Asking someone something you already know is infuriating and draining
It was really exacerbated when he was off work

I dont dislike my DH but of course the " you hate him" crew always jump on anything women find difficult on MN instead of evaluating that all.marriages have difficulties at some point

His behaviour drained me emotionally, it was constant drip drip drip and added to my already overwhelmed mental load

We discussed it, I explained how it made me feel and he stopped .

Now that dh and I are settling into our dotage together (and my menopausal grumpy stage is passing), the words do make us closer...

"You reading?" "I certainly am, my love, it is such a good book, you can read it too if you want. Listen to this bit... ... lovely".

"You clean?", "Yes sweetheart, every.single.inch - wanna check?"

One or other of us asking a stupid question (or, more often now, mishearing an answer!) keeps closeness alive, and can spark a long conversation... or other things😉.

When your husband comes out of the toilet do you say ‘all good?’

Why are some people here sating that the marriage is over because of irritation?
The op says that they love each other so surely the thing to do is to clear the air to avoid any more resentment building up. It's not worth breaking the marriage for. If they love each other the marriage is definitely worth saving. Honest communication always helps. That said, it's not something I'm good at so I have to work on it.
My DH usually asks how long I'm going to be out for but I understand his reasons for asking. He needs clarity. Maybe your DH needs some reassurance, maybe it's something his parents did so he learnt that it's the thing to do. Talk to him, see if he has anything to say about it. Mutual understanding is needed in any marriage.

I think it's reasonable to ask your DH not to speak to you like you're five years old, when warranted.

Things like 'all clean now?' after showering would be one of those occasions.

I agree with @Melograno that that isn't a 'bid for connection' - it's conversational laziness. If my OH wants to connects with me, he can make an iota more effort than asking me three syllables of banal rubbish, the answer to which is already patently obvious. I get that it's actually a tad insulting for some women (as seen upthread) to be expected to accept that this should pass for marriage glue when they're just getting on with the ordinary but necessary stuff of life, and who perhaps themselves normally initiate and welcome a slightly more interesting level of conversation or wit.