Child not invited to parties because “I don’t talk to parents”

[Ladyoftheapple]

My daughter is 8, she has three close friends in school, two of which are boys. One of these boys has had birthday parties and invited the close knit friends but my daughter has been excluded.

Today, my daughter has come home and said her best friend has said she is going to another boy in the class’s party. My daughter has said she hasn’t been invited but her best friend has then said to her that she hasn’t been invited because “her Mummy doesn’t talk to their parents”. She also said she spoke to her other best boy friend and he said the reason that she wasn’t invited was because his parents chose who came.

To be honest, I am a drop and run kind of parent and so is my Husband. I am terrible at small talk and I don’t want to be stood at the school gates gossiping. Is this on me? I feel it’s really unfair on my daughter that she is being excluded from her best friends parties because of her parents opinions of me 😳

Small talk I have learned:

hi, you ok?
the weather
any holidays booked?
are you doing anything nice for the weekend?
not saying recent things you’ve been doing as this can be misconstrued as bragging.
when someone tells you where they’ve been, ask if it was nice.

that said, I much prefer to stand alone to avoid it, I hate it. but my daughter is rarely invited to parties and this thread is making me question if it’s my fault. but I’d rather be alone than be socially awkward and uncomfortable. I’ve never been part of a popular crown and don’t intend on trying to fit in now, because I don’t so I’d rather not bother.

@FlorianTV Why do people on this thread keep describing extremes? You don’t need to be in a popular crowd! Why are you confusing that with having a brief chat with someone? You seem to have no idea that most people will have a chat about something and aren’t remotely in a popular crowd! How can 29 parents all be popular and you aren’t? There’s shades of personalities at the school gate and of course some people are reserved and quiet with others in between all the way up to super confident and loud. If you don’t speed of course you get ignored in the end but you aren’t making any effort. I’d try for DD.

I’m not confusing having a brief chat with someone with being in the popular crowd? I gave advice I’d learned on how to make small talk to help OP.

There’s usually always a ‘popular crowd’ of mums that stand together, my point was I don’t try and stand next to them because I wouldn’t fit in, so I don’t bother. I speak to people who speak to me, if I recognise someone I end up stood next to, I make small talk. I much prefer to be alone, but will speak. I just don’t go out of my way to do so.

it's not highjacking to encouraging your child to have friends. They naturally become more friendly with kids they see the most, outside school, at sport and during the weekend.

it’s not supposed to be just a chance for the parents to hang out with the parents they like who said it was? It's not a social setting for parents, but it makes sense that the CHILD hang out with the group you are friends with.

No one is saying you should impose someone they can't stand, but it's all done naturally. They spend more time together, they are closer friends, that's life.

It works great when they reach secondary and already have a strong group of friends you can trust.

Does it sting that bad that other parents make extra efforts for ensuring their child have great groups of friends? it's our job.

because for some posters, speaking or being friendly with someone means you are A CLIQUE. There are no other explanations 😂

The situation OP has described isn’t “encouraging the child to have certain friends” though. Of course it is normal that you might want to encourage a friendship between yours and your friends’ children. But OP has said her child does get on very well with the birthday child, so this is a situation of DIScouraging your child from having friendships with children whose parents you don’t know. Presumably, if the two children are close friends at school, then one of two things has happened: either the birthday child asked to invite OP’s child and the parents said no, or the parents didn’t even ask the birthday child who he wanted to invite, and just invited who they wanted with no input from their son. And, at age 8, that is absolutely WEIRD, and very unfair to the birthday child. I wouldn’t say it “stings”, because I am not aware of this ever happening in my child’s friendship group, but I just feel very sorry for both children, that the birthday child’s parents seem to be putting their own wants/interests above what their child wants for his birthday. It’s very sad and very selfish. Encouraging your children to MAKE friends: yes. DIScouraging your children from inviting their friends to their birthday party because YOU aren’t friends with the parents: very sad and unfair (and very helicopter parent too).
(In case you genuinely don’t realise how normal people do it, this is how a usual 8th birthday party would be organised: you ask your child “who do you want to invite to your party?”, write a list. If numbers are limited, whittle it down with the child. If you want to invite your friend’s children too, and there is still room, THEN you say “I’m going to invite Sarah and Isabella too, OK?”)

unless you are having class parties, that's always how it works. What's wrong with it?

Banning someone full stop is a bit mean and would be unfair, discouraging a child to invite someone is normal.

the birthday child’s parents seem to be putting their own wants/interests above what their child wants for his birthday. it's not the parents own interest, don't be silly, it's the child's own interest to have the right friends! Short and long term.

I am sure you disagree, but that's the dynamic I have seen everywhere. It makes sense.

If parents can't be bothered to make efforts for their own children, it's their problem, it's a choice. Perfectly valid, but they can't complain.

All of my daughter's friends are boys and she has been excluded from a couple of parties because the parents (who I am friendly with!) didn't think she'd liked it....in other words they were a bit of a boys only football or gaming parties or something. Now she isn't a football or gaming girl, but I found it a bit sad that she wasn't even asked, just automatically excluded because of her gender. Maybe I'm being over sensitive but I feel you.

I actually don't think it is about that, I think these days it's high risk looking after children for parents you don't know. We see it all the time how unreasonable people can be on mumsnet. I just wouldn't be keen on looking after a child of someone I didn't know as it just not worth the risk. If the child has an accident at the party 90% of parents are reasonable the unknown quantities are the only who will be abusive.

Sorry, I think you do need to start making an effort with the other parents. Do you ever invite their kids to play dates etc? I’m a bit awkward sometimes, but you just have to push through it and have a quick chat.

They haven't invited a child because of their ill informed view of the parents.

Is that the world view you want to teach your child?

Sorry you are stuck at a school with these people. You don't need them. Have a party for the people she likes. Be the bigger person. Teach her to be better than they are

@Binnyforthewin Not here. It’s what @igelkott2026 says. It’s mixing with a similar socio-economic group. They end up targeting the same universities too. The “wrong” sort are manual workers or anyone not managerial or professional. It’s amazing how people segregate, We had a church group too. They went to church and didn’t socialise much outside church. A collection of self appointed perfect parents. Any child with behaviour difficulties was not included.

So you’re saying that simply asking the child who THEY would like to invite is not an option in your world? I mean, obviously if the mum regularly turned up drunk to school pick-ups, or dropped her kids off in the morning stinking of weed, I can see why some people would want to avoid inviting that child, but I doubt that’s the case for OP. So you’re saying it’s normal to not even give your child the opportunity to develop deeper friendships with a child they get on with at school, not because there is anything wrong with the child, or even their parent, but because you just don’t know the mum very well..? I just can’t get my head around why you would limit your child’s social development in that way. Why you wouldn’t let them invite a friend they get on well with, just because their mum is a little reserved, or has to rush to get to work in the mornings. How sad for your child! And no, it absolutely is not normal. Who knows, if you did invite the child whose mum you don’t know, maybe you’d get to know them and end up quite liking them. What a shame to not even give them the chance. And even if you don’t like the parents that much, as long as they’re not drug addicts or criminals or something, does it really matter? By age 8, parents can drop the kids off at the party and leave. I just think expecting to exert that level of control over your children’s friendships is very weird and sad, and not very respectful of their burgeoning autonomy. They should be learning how to build friendships on their own by that stage, not just sticking with a handful of people mummy has hand-selected for them.

@Greengage1983 I think dc tinker at the edges but they have known dc for years so they don’t need to look for more friends. They are ok with the curated ones. The odd child might be added but they will be very similar to the original dc. However - there are other dc around!

Ok, I understand your stance OP - I don’t particularly want to be super friendly with parents. I have my own good friendship group & not that interested in making more friends, especially in a forced sense like that.

However, let’s flip the narrative on this - do you really want to send your child to someone’s house/party & you don’t know who they are? A bit about them?

I would want to know because it will also inform me how their children are & who my child is hanging around with (& influencing my own child). That is the main reason I would want to be friendly with those parents. Unfortunately good kids can have bad home lives & I would want to know what is going on at home with the friends my children are friendly with.

When I was growing up my best friend had a very rocky home life, including being abused by her step dad. My parents & myself were none the wiser about it for a long time, but my parents let me sleep around there almost every fortnight. I always used to get the creeps from her step dad but was too young to understand what my gut was telling me. My best friend was also wild & acted out as her way of dealing with it, & her & I got ourselves into some dangerous & risky situations because of it & none of the adults/parents, including my own paid enough attention to it, plus they were not friendly with one another either, which I think also multiplied the risk & dangerousness of the situation too.

There’s no need to be super friendly with others if you have a friendship group anyway. However drop and run means you see no one. There’s usually someone who just wants a chat but is t going to be your best buddy. I agree that most of us do scope out other families and we like to think our dc are making suitable friends. The OP’s child has not presumably had a party because if they had, the op would surely be in some sort of loop?

It is. Most school gate chat is pretty standard stuff eg chitchat about the weather, holidays, stuff that is going on in school that week. Is it gossip to be stood there going 'this weather is just too much isn't it, so hot! Might get the paddling pool out later. How are you guys coping - is your elderly mum managing ok' etc etc

You're much better off staying away from these women; in my experience : socialising with these women only leads to drama; heartache, Loss.

For all the people saying oh just stop for a quick chat it won't hurt etc truly have no clue. I'm pretty sure I'm ND and have always struggled socially, for some people this is very hard to do even though it sounds so simple. The anxiety even just doing the school run is hard enough sometimes, I'm sure people just assume your rude by not making conversation but that isn't often the case. People need to think a little deeper, just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's not there. So for all the parents that don't invite a child just because they don't speak to the parents is just awful, they should at the very least extend the invite and let them decide. OP you are NOT being unreasonable here I think it's very unfair on the children when it should be all about them.

What a bizarre take. For me socialing at the school gate has only ever lead to joy, fun and play dates.

@Dogsareyourbestfriends but it’s not going to be just about dc! You really do have to make some effort. Do you want dc to be like you? You cannot wish for something to be different, and then it is.

Most of us do say hi in a pleasant way. Not that my dd ended up being invited to much but my neighbours dc never have dc round to play because they are socially invisible and the mum doesn’t speak. They seemed ok as toddlers but - parents can shape lives. They don’t come to Christmas village party for dc, don’t do the Halloween event, don’t do the bluebell walk, don’t get involved with the cream tea events etc etc, Lots of things available but they sit at home behind high hedges. So not seen and very easily forgotten!

But on this particular occasion it is about the children as this thread is about the party invite, it is unfair to leave the child out because you don't speak to the parents. It's easy for NT people to say oh just go and chat etc without having a clue about the difficulties ND people and children face. It is a social and communication disorder so no amount of oh just go and say hi etc will change that. Unless you are ND yourself most NT will never understand this to a full extent. If the family you are talking about want to keep themselves to themselves that's their choice isn't it. You don't know the difficulties they may have.

No one has said the child is ND have they? Anyway it’s the way of the world. Most of us are too busy to invite dc we don’t really know. Unless it’s a class party, choices are made. My dd didn’t get to loads of parties - no invite. But it’s what it is. People make choices based on all sorts of things, even DHs knowing each other, families knowing each other, DH has the “wrong” job etc etc. You cannot make people invite dc so just accept it is what it is. We chose a different secondary for dd and she thrived. Loads of friends and still in touch with many from school. None from primary.

I cannot express how little respect I have for anyone whose decision on who to invite to their 8 year old's birthday party is based on anything other than asking the child who they want to invite. I'm so glad I don't seem to know any such awful people.

@Greengage1983 Lucky you! My DD was invited to one party in y5. We decided to look at boarding schools and were so lucky we could afford it. At 8 years old onwards they absolutely know they aren’t ever invited to anything so we gave up the unequal struggle. Dd got into a free grammar school too but so did DDs of the shit parents and DD thrived away from them. I did know I was avoided by these parents and I was friends with parents in other year groups. DD got a higher 11 plus score too.

DD is perfectly friendly and always has been. At her wedding soon, she has invited around 75 school/university/bar school/work friends who are all coming. She’s not short of friends. However at primary, it’s parents who rule the roost. She was suddenly included in y6 get together after they found out she was going elsewhere and I was invited to mums’ houses for coffee! This was the Spanish Inquisition of course but I’m pretty resolute! Never under estimate how awful some people are. So, in the context of the thread, people who think you are different (for whatever reason) don’t engage with you and dc are sidelined too.