Child not invited to parties because “I don’t talk to parents”

[Ladyoftheapple]

My daughter is 8, she has three close friends in school, two of which are boys. One of these boys has had birthday parties and invited the close knit friends but my daughter has been excluded.

Today, my daughter has come home and said her best friend has said she is going to another boy in the class’s party. My daughter has said she hasn’t been invited but her best friend has then said to her that she hasn’t been invited because “her Mummy doesn’t talk to their parents”. She also said she spoke to her other best boy friend and he said the reason that she wasn’t invited was because his parents chose who came.

To be honest, I am a drop and run kind of parent and so is my Husband. I am terrible at small talk and I don’t want to be stood at the school gates gossiping. Is this on me? I feel it’s really unfair on my daughter that she is being excluded from her best friends parties because of her parents opinions of me 😳

Totally agree.

Networkings is a key soft skill. I think parents should be setting an example to their kids. If you don't talk to anyone it is hardly surprising your child doesn't talk to anyone and then isn't invited to parties.

I was a similar mum to my 19yr old. She did go to some parties, not all, and more so, her parties were generally small key, due to the fact there would be a low turnout. It was most definitely because I don’t speak to other mums, lots of reasons why, but none Ulster have excluded my daughter, but did nonetheless.

No easy answer, you can’t fake friendships and interest if they are not on your agenda!

This does seem unfair, what about parents who can't drop off and use childcare?
DD is going to be 7 at the start of September, so I've asked her who she wants to go and got the parents numbers so we can arrange over the holidays. I only drop off once a week, so don't know many parents well, but I do smile and say morning to most of them as I rush off to work. OP, do you manage to do that?

If she's got close friends, it's worth making the effort to know the parents at primary, as much as anything you want to know what they are like, what their homes and parenting is like because if you drop your daughter and run at any playdates etc, you want to know she's safe. You can't be friends with every single parent on the off chance they will not invite your dd to a party though... I think some parents at that age will pick kids and families they know well, but that's their choice and you can't be invited to everything unfortunately.

I don't know how someone gets their child to the age of 8 without speaking to another parent.....

School drop off, school assemblies, speech day, nativity play, sports day, meet the teacher, mothers/fathers day. That's outside of birthday parties, playdates....I mean come'on?

Yes it's on you, if you've created such an impression that's left other parents feeling cold - which isn't surprising if you hold the view that any person (doing a very human thing) 'talking' in the vicinity of a school - must infact be 'gossiping'.

You're not the only person in the world with a job and a kid.

Get over yourself.

To be fair, I see a group of men and think they are, too, as I grew up around oil field guys and working on farms, and no one out-gossips a group of old farmer men, except old oilfield guys... God help you if they're both. I think any group of people standing around talking is gossiping lmao. I know women do it. And I know men do it. People just like to talk shit on other people. Hell, I don't like talking to other people for that reason, because if I tell someone ANYTHING, it'll get around, but in a much more exaggerated fashion. So I'd rather them just make crap up, because it's really fun to hear what kind of exciting life I'm having from others, it's always a hoot. 😂

Ex. I lived in an apartment complex full of mostly old people (particularly old ladies) where I was apparently quite a hit with the young men and was always throwing parties. My "parties" were me sitting in my apartment alone quite contentedly, watching tv, eating dinner, and my drunk ex randomly showing up on my damn porch after having a fight with his mother because he knew I'd have food. Some party, having some drunk idiot (who I regretted telling where I lived) show up to beat down your door, eat up all your food, throw up all over your house, then leave as soon as he can walk a straight line. Fun, fun, fun. Oh, and the never-ending slew of young men I was supposedly sleeping with? My best friend's two teenage sons I was picking up from high school, us all running back to my apartment to grab my Switch so we could all play some video game together at their house, their mom (my best friend,) included. Last time I've been to ANY party was my grandma's surprise Birthday party when she turned 70 lol. That was also the wildest party I've been to, unless you count the time I almost got knocked out in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese when I was 4 because some older kids turned it into a mosh pit lmao. I've also been intimate with 3 men total in my almost 40 years on the planet, and I was in a serious relationship with each one before anything happened (the first one died in a motorcycle wreck, the second one I was with for a decade and he was... an extremely embarrassing period in my life, and the last one is amazing and I married him lol.) And they're all grown, for the record. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I'm probably the most socially boring person on the planet lol. But the old folks all got to talking and gossiping, and I found out from my neighbor how wild my life really was amongst the rest of the complex. I still chuckle thinking about it.

I’m never at the school gates, hasn’t had an impact. Kids choose their own friends!

I find it weird that parents choose their children's party guests at the age of 8. I didn't know any parents when mine started school at 4 but they were both invited to parties and for their 5th and all subsequent birthdays I let them choose who they wanted to invite. Surely they should be allowed to choose their friends and not be restricted to children of parents' cliquey groups. As I worked full time and had to use breakfast and after school clubs, I couldn't hang around at the school gates so only met other parents at children's parties or school events but thankfully no child was excluded just because their parents didn't know the other parents. Maybe their school was unique in that respect, I don't know

I wouldn’t worry. As they get older, kids make their own friends irrespective of parents and make their wishes known. By year 7, those parents will wish they had listened to their kids and invited their friends because now they won’t have a clue who they know, what they get up to and will have no relationship to foster ‘soft’ power over their offspring.

I’m surprised by some of these responses. One of my children, I ‘clicked’ with several of her friends parents and chatted a lot, had the odd cuppa, so it was really natural to care for their kids and have them care for mine.

Other DC, just didn’t click with her peers parents in the same way, while some of them did all get along and socialise, and of course my DC won’t have the same amount of play dates with the kids. It’s natural when kids are smaller that you want to feel comfortable with their friends parents, in my view. I don’t think it’s excluding or unfair, just a fact of life. I do think it’s ‘on you’ in the sense that you could have done more to tip the balance towards getting closer to these families, but sometimes it’s just luck of the draw whether you will get on.

It sucks but it’s true. I think you and your partner should made an effort to talk to other parents. Frankly speaking, I have a 5 year old and all the playdates I organise are based on the parents I like.

As your kids get older and they have more freedom they may mix with people you do not like. However when little and very impressionable why wouldn’t you be interested in knowing the parents who will supervise your small children when in their charge.

I remembered at times trying to chat and be friendly with all the parents only to get a blank stare and zero smiles back ....so sometimes it's safer (for your own mental health) to not approach anyone unless they approach you first.
So I would say, YANBU, op.
It's really shitty of any parent to exclude you - and pathetically immature.
I would invite all the children in the class when they are v young.....and any child that my child is friends with/wants at their party regardless of whether I chat to that parent or not
Perhaps the party would be a good opportunity to get to know that parent

I’m surprised that parents are still influential at this age. At nursery we generally invited the DC of the parents we spoke to. However if the nursery mentioned there were specific children they played with then I’d reach out and invite them. At school it’s now lead by my DC and who they play with. But I do think that by making an effort with other parents, you are helping your DC socially. I don’t speak the local language where I am and I’ve had to really push myself out of my comfort zone as I don’t want my DC to miss out. It can be done.

I'm not sure why everyone is assuming the children are telling the truth here. What do you expect an 8 year old to say when directly asked 'why didn't you invite me to your party'? 'I forgot to put you on the list', 'I didn't want you there' or 'oh my parents did the list'. Most kids would go with the third, even when the first is most likely.

What type of party is it? It sounds like it might be a small one (not a big 30 child free for all in a community hall).

If its a smaller party, I'd also be inclined to invite kids with parents I know well. I'd feel more comfortable knowing the family and child incase anything happened. Especially if its one where a higher level of communication is required. Ie: a trampoline park where you have to get waivers signed and kids driven round there.

Well there’s certainly a regular stream of posts on here where it has caused trouble. Kids fall out and it affects the adult friendship or adults fall out and it affects the kids’ friendship, adults suddenly being constantly asked to pick up the friend’s kids after school etc etc. I just like to keep my proper friendships separate from those of my kids. But I am sufficiently friendly with many school parents so that I can chat at the gates, football sidelines, dance shows and parents night.

I didn’t chat at school gates..my children decided who went to their parties. It’s outrageous for parents to pick who goes to their child’s party dependent on their own social circle. Children have to learn to make decisions. It’s part of growing up and their parties are n obvious opportunity.to learn organisational skills

Helicopter parents do children no favours

No it's can't. Not by everyone. I'm mid 60's now (and ASC) and still crap at small talk! I hate it and can't see the point in it, but know there are times when it's needed, so I've tried. I have a couple of 'scripts' that I've memorised but once the scripts run out or, god forbid, the other person goes 'off script', I'm stuffed. So no, many people can't just can't "learn it"!

I watched a girl hand invites to every child in my daughter’s class apart from her. For the same reason. She’s 28 now. I can still see her face.

I struggle with small talk. I struggle to get a conversation going and it’s completely out of my comfort zone to start talking to
someone I don’t know. I’m also dashing to/from work and don’t have time to stop and chat. I’m envious of those parents who have formed friendships and I do feel guilty for the impact it may have on my children. However, I would never decide who should come to my children’s birthday parties, it’s their party not mine. I find it bizarre that parents would choose! It’s also happened in my daughter’s class. I suspect/hope it will change in high school.

I dont speak to anyone I'm also a drop and run always have been my oldest is 21 youngest in school 9 I couldn't even tell you who is the parent of what child in my experience kids chose who to invite my disappearing act has never factored

That's just plain fucking nasty ! Shame on those parents

Have you ever been married or dated anyone? I'm just wondering how you managed with the smalltalk then.