Child not invited to parties because “I don’t talk to parents”

[Ladyoftheapple]

My daughter is 8, she has three close friends in school, two of which are boys. One of these boys has had birthday parties and invited the close knit friends but my daughter has been excluded.

Today, my daughter has come home and said her best friend has said she is going to another boy in the class’s party. My daughter has said she hasn’t been invited but her best friend has then said to her that she hasn’t been invited because “her Mummy doesn’t talk to their parents”. She also said she spoke to her other best boy friend and he said the reason that she wasn’t invited was because his parents chose who came.

To be honest, I am a drop and run kind of parent and so is my Husband. I am terrible at small talk and I don’t want to be stood at the school gates gossiping. Is this on me? I feel it’s really unfair on my daughter that she is being excluded from her best friends parties because of her parents opinions of me 😳

Totally agree.

Networkings is a key soft skill. I think parents should be setting an example to their kids. If you don't talk to anyone it is hardly surprising your child doesn't talk to anyone and then isn't invited to parties.

I was a similar mum to my 19yr old. She did go to some parties, not all, and more so, her parties were generally small key, due to the fact there would be a low turnout. It was most definitely because I don’t speak to other mums, lots of reasons why, but none Ulster have excluded my daughter, but did nonetheless.

No easy answer, you can’t fake friendships and interest if they are not on your agenda!

This does seem unfair, what about parents who can't drop off and use childcare?
DD is going to be 7 at the start of September, so I've asked her who she wants to go and got the parents numbers so we can arrange over the holidays. I only drop off once a week, so don't know many parents well, but I do smile and say morning to most of them as I rush off to work. OP, do you manage to do that?

If she's got close friends, it's worth making the effort to know the parents at primary, as much as anything you want to know what they are like, what their homes and parenting is like because if you drop your daughter and run at any playdates etc, you want to know she's safe. You can't be friends with every single parent on the off chance they will not invite your dd to a party though... I think some parents at that age will pick kids and families they know well, but that's their choice and you can't be invited to everything unfortunately.

I don't know how someone gets their child to the age of 8 without speaking to another parent.....

School drop off, school assemblies, speech day, nativity play, sports day, meet the teacher, mothers/fathers day. That's outside of birthday parties, playdates....I mean come'on?

Yes it's on you, if you've created such an impression that's left other parents feeling cold - which isn't surprising if you hold the view that any person (doing a very human thing) 'talking' in the vicinity of a school - must infact be 'gossiping'.

You're not the only person in the world with a job and a kid.

Get over yourself.

To be fair, I see a group of men and think they are, too, as I grew up around oil field guys and working on farms, and no one out-gossips a group of old farmer men, except old oilfield guys... God help you if they're both. I think any group of people standing around talking is gossiping lmao. I know women do it. And I know men do it. People just like to talk shit on other people. Hell, I don't like talking to other people for that reason, because if I tell someone ANYTHING, it'll get around, but in a much more exaggerated fashion. So I'd rather them just make crap up, because it's really fun to hear what kind of exciting life I'm having from others, it's always a hoot. 😂

Ex. I lived in an apartment complex full of mostly old people (particularly old ladies) where I was apparently quite a hit with the young men and was always throwing parties. My "parties" were me sitting in my apartment alone quite contentedly, watching tv, eating dinner, and my drunk ex randomly showing up on my damn porch after having a fight with his mother because he knew I'd have food. Some party, having some drunk idiot (who I regretted telling where I lived) show up to beat down your door, eat up all your food, throw up all over your house, then leave as soon as he can walk a straight line. Fun, fun, fun. Oh, and the never-ending slew of young men I was supposedly sleeping with? My best friend's two teenage sons I was picking up from high school, us all running back to my apartment to grab my Switch so we could all play some video game together at their house, their mom (my best friend,) included. Last time I've been to ANY party was my grandma's surprise Birthday party when she turned 70 lol. That was also the wildest party I've been to, unless you count the time I almost got knocked out in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese when I was 4 because some older kids turned it into a mosh pit lmao. I've also been intimate with 3 men total in my almost 40 years on the planet, and I was in a serious relationship with each one before anything happened (the first one died in a motorcycle wreck, the second one I was with for a decade and he was... an extremely embarrassing period in my life, and the last one is amazing and I married him lol.) And they're all grown, for the record. 🤦🏻‍♀️ I'm probably the most socially boring person on the planet lol. But the old folks all got to talking and gossiping, and I found out from my neighbor how wild my life really was amongst the rest of the complex. I still chuckle thinking about it.

I’m never at the school gates, hasn’t had an impact. Kids choose their own friends!

I find it weird that parents choose their children's party guests at the age of 8. I didn't know any parents when mine started school at 4 but they were both invited to parties and for their 5th and all subsequent birthdays I let them choose who they wanted to invite. Surely they should be allowed to choose their friends and not be restricted to children of parents' cliquey groups. As I worked full time and had to use breakfast and after school clubs, I couldn't hang around at the school gates so only met other parents at children's parties or school events but thankfully no child was excluded just because their parents didn't know the other parents. Maybe their school was unique in that respect, I don't know