Child not invited to parties because “I don’t talk to parents”

[Ladyoftheapple]

My daughter is 8, she has three close friends in school, two of which are boys. One of these boys has had birthday parties and invited the close knit friends but my daughter has been excluded.

Today, my daughter has come home and said her best friend has said she is going to another boy in the class’s party. My daughter has said she hasn’t been invited but her best friend has then said to her that she hasn’t been invited because “her Mummy doesn’t talk to their parents”. She also said she spoke to her other best boy friend and he said the reason that she wasn’t invited was because his parents chose who came.

To be honest, I am a drop and run kind of parent and so is my Husband. I am terrible at small talk and I don’t want to be stood at the school gates gossiping. Is this on me? I feel it’s really unfair on my daughter that she is being excluded from her best friends parties because of her parents opinions of me 😳

Just drop yr kid at the party and let them worry about what to say. The kid is important, the parent's aren't. Just say you don't talk much, sorry. You would be talking to the other parent's if any of them had anything interesting to say, most dont ,they just rattle a load of crap

I am even making an effort to get to know my secondary school child's friends' parents, because why wouldn't you?

I am a person who says hello to everyone, half of the parents don’t even look up let alone speak, the others speak, sometimes we chat, sometimes we don’t however I would be more inclined to invite the ones o chat to than the ones who don’t want to speak as they come across as very rude. There’s nothing wrong with saying hello as you dash past.

This is a shame and I’m not sure why the other child said it was because you don’t talk to her mum - seems a bit much and a bit specific. Have you had any issues with the other parents?

Depending on the child, I think you do have to just grin and bear it with other parents (even into secondary in my experience with my youngest who is ND) in order to get your child noticed and included. I think sometimes out of sight, out of mind.

I am sorry you have taken such a beating on this thread because you unfortunately used the word gossiping - I suspect it was an ill chosen word by someone who is upset enough to post and ask others for insight. This does not make you a bitch or unpleasant, despite the pile on from others who seem to have drawn a lot of unpleasant conclusions about you purely based on a poor choice of a single word. I appreciate that it’s this sort of behaviour that makes you hate the school gate - me too!

Going forward I can only suggest that you try to make an effort for your child’s sake. It’s not fair or how it should be but sadly this is the way the world works.

It can be done only if parents are friendly back. I'my experience many are, but definitely not all sadly :(

I totally sympathise. As I work full time I very rarely did school drop offs and pick ups. When I did I would smile and say hello and make conversation but the mummy mafia we’re very close knit and, frankly, intimidating.

not all mums were like that but a lot had been friends for a long time and ran their kids’ friendships with their friends’ kids.

by 8 I would expect parents to be consulting with kids about who to invite and it’s pretty rubbish to exclude one of his closest friends.

do you invite your daughter’s friends home for tea etc? Developing out if school friendships like that could help if not, mummy mafia are much more open 1:1

Absolutely bizarre behaviour for the parents to choose who is invited based on who THEY like. If they were having a barbecue one Saturday, and wanted adults they get on with as well as children their kids like, then fair enough. But for a child’s birthday party, the child chooses who they want full stop. Especially at age 8. Word behaviour, and I’ve never heard of this happening. I feel sorry for their children.

Hmm tough one. I personally wouldn’t exclude a child because ‘the parents are not chatty’ but you do have to make some sort of effort to make small talk at the school gates. I do it, even though it’s not very ‘me’ it’s just to avoid potential situations like this.

You need to put in a little more effort for your child’s benefit.

Also it is not gossiping as everyone else has said, but you often do learn things you wouldn’t about the school etc. I found out one of the teachers was retiring who teaches my son. I had no idea, so was thankful as I got her a little card to thank her for all her efforts and wish her well in her retirement.

At 8 the parent deciding who goes to the party is weird….unless it’s at their home. I would definitely veto a few kids I know my son hangs out with from destroying my house as they are little wreck-it-Ralphs.

I also think play dates are far easier if you know the parent. Sometimes the parent comes in - you won’t be invited if they don’t know you. Just awkward. Also they won’t want to volunteer to look after your child if they again don’t know you, they’ll assume you won’t want to leave your child at someone’s house who you don’t know at that age (which is fair).

Have you had play dates and ever inviting another child over? How did that go?

That doesn't make sense. Why would you assume parents don't talk to anyone just because they don't behave as if they're in cast of Motherland? Or that children aren't capable of forming their own friendships at school?

You (general you) should be cultivating a child who is sufficiently, friendly, likeable and sociable by themselves so that they make their own friends.

MN is an odd place. Sometimes there are threads which are just awesome in their kindness, wisdom and generosity of spirit-then there's one like this.

It’s been pretty common for parents to curate friends and it’s their dc who go to the parties. It’s how it works quite often. If you haven’t had dc round to tea or even spoken to parents, you and dd aren’t in their radar. Next year, have a chat to people - you really do not have to gossip and have dc round to play, so you give dc a chance to make friends away from the classroom.

Plus boys and girls do separate out at some point. Why isn’t she playing with girls?

It's not gossiping, it is being friendly . Do you say hello and good morning to the other parents or do you actively avoid any engagement?
Your daughter may simply not be on their radar because they don't know you and therefore her exist.

I've made a conscious effort to chat or at least say hello to other parents. The way I see it, these people will likely be in our lives for the next 10 or so years, so it's worth building some sort of relationship.

Why do you say "gossiping" as opposed to "chatting", out of interest?

It’s been pretty common for parents to curate friends and it’s their dc who go to the parties.

While this is true of reception/year 1 children, by year 2 I would have thought it is the children who choose who to invite to parties, not the parents.

Who says you have to gossip? You can be friendly and polite without gossiping

I agree. It's OK to be shy and feel awkward about talking to people they don't know well, but dressing it up as "despising small talk or gossip" just makes someone sound superior and far too lofty to engage with the plebs (other parents). There is far too much hyperbole about social interaction on threads like these.

Quite the odd thread for the OP to abandon unless of course it’s all a wind up…

The OP has likely abandoned it because of all the pile on about the use of the word “gossip”. The only choice she has really is to either agree with them, mea culpa and all that, or to abandon the thread. You can bet that, despite those of us who are more empathic to her and her child, it would be one of the other camp who insisted on having the last word. That’s just the way it goes with MN.

Definitely happened at my son's school. Probably happens in the "naicer" areas where the parents don't want their kids mixing with the "wrong" sort - whatever the "wrong" sort is. In my area if was mums who worked full time - who wants to associate with the sort of women who didn't choose a rich enough husband - that sort of thing.

So glad l am out of all this party crap. I was a mum who literally had to drop off the kids at school, and do mach 2 with my hair on fire to get to work on time. Never had any issues with my children not being invited to parties, but my dd would tell me about things like this...As soon as they go to high school, it all stops, and your dd will be there before you turn around...Just take it with a pinch of salt & move on. If you do, do something about it, you maybe worse off...

I feel it’s really unfair on my daughter that she is being excluded from her best friends parties because of her parents opinions of me 😳

why is it unfair?

If you are a drop and run parent at parties around here, your child will never be invited again. It's a party, not free childcare, so parents are expected to supervise their children until they are old enough to walk alone to school, which is around Y5 (not allowed by the school before, so no debate needed there)

Why don't you think parents should prioritise other parents they are friendly with?

The kids tend to stay friends in secondary too, it's great to get a strong group of people you trust - they are friends with people you spend time with, they can go on sleepovers because you know the parents, you know they are safe when they have playdates or just go to each other's house when they are older.

Of course you encourage friendship with kids whose parents you are becoming friendly with, why on earth would you not?

Why inviting children who are complete strangers or encouraging friendship with people you don't like or know nothing about?

me too! Even if it's once or twice a year around parents evening or the end of year celebration at the very minimum. Thankfully because they tend to do a lot of sports together, you can also chat with the parents around sports events.

If my kid is invited to a sleepover, I want to know who people are, I wouldn't let my teen disappear for an entire weekend going away with people I don't know.

This is really common, it's probably nothing to do with actively trying to exclude your daughter or a slight against you, if you don't interact with other parents then people just don't think of you/ your daughter to send an invite. It's exactly the same as any other area of life. If you don't make an effort socially ( and I appreciate some people find this much easier than others) then you won't be included by the majority of people.
It really is worth trying to chat a bit at pick up and drop off, it doesn't need to be gossip. Just be polite, ask if they have any plans for the weekend, coming school holiday, talk about how hot it is, anything really. The children may express a preference as to who gets invited but in reality it's up to the parents.

This is so weird though - at 8, surely you ask your child who they want to invite to their birthday party, don’t you?? Why are so many parents here seeming to assume that their children’s birthday parties are about the parents and who the parents know and like, with no input from the birthday child themselves..? The only time that should be happening is in nursery when they can’t really talk to tell you who their friends are.

Because the birthday party is for the CHILD, it’s not supposed to be just a chance for the parents to hang out with the parents they like, regardless of who their children want to invite, what the actual hell is going on here??!! 😂 If you want to hang out with your favourite school mums, then arrange a barbecue one weekend or go out for drinks one evening or something, don’t hijack your child’s birthday!

@Greengage1983 Yes and no! Some parents don’t come out of their huddle and dc are encouraged to only invite approved dc. If your dc isn’t on the approved list, they aren’t invited. Fairly common alpha parent behaviour! Others definitely do let dc choose but frequently edit out dc who are known nuisances.