Child not invited to parties because “I don’t talk to parents”

[Ladyoftheapple]

My daughter is 8, she has three close friends in school, two of which are boys. One of these boys has had birthday parties and invited the close knit friends but my daughter has been excluded.

Today, my daughter has come home and said her best friend has said she is going to another boy in the class’s party. My daughter has said she hasn’t been invited but her best friend has then said to her that she hasn’t been invited because “her Mummy doesn’t talk to their parents”. She also said she spoke to her other best boy friend and he said the reason that she wasn’t invited was because his parents chose who came.

To be honest, I am a drop and run kind of parent and so is my Husband. I am terrible at small talk and I don’t want to be stood at the school gates gossiping. Is this on me? I feel it’s really unfair on my daughter that she is being excluded from her best friends parties because of her parents opinions of me 😳

Why is it that when a group of mothers are chatting, it is described as “gossiping?” It's sexist and gross. I often have a quick chat with other parents while waiting to pick up DC. We chat about work, the school, how our kids are. We are not “gossiping” we are talking.

More generally though, if your daughter is 8 then there have already been at least 3 years of parties. If you have invited these children and she hasn’t been invited back, then that’s rude. If you haven’t been holding parties and you never speak to the parents, and the parents are deciding the invitation list (which I doubt tbh) then yes, it’s on you. I don’t think anyone actively likes small talk, but what level of depth do you expect conversations of 5 mins between people whose main thing in common is that their kids go to the same school to take? A discussion on moral philosophy? It takes so little effort to be friendly.

Typical school gate cliques spring to mind & if your face fits. Sadly it's usually always parents who initiate early years friendships between young children simply because they as parents get along well. To leave your child out for the reasons you mention OP only serves to prove my point.

If your child genuinely gets along with particular children, the next one to have a party & your child isn't invited I would confront the parent & ask them why.

Only read the OP.

I wasn't even there at many drop off/collects - my kids got invited to many parties. I am sure there are many, many gatherings they didn't go along to because I simply wasn't there or known, but that's the way of the world.

I think that’s really sad that the kids parents are choosing who comes to the parties. When my DS and DD has birthday parties I always let them choose who came, even if I didn’t like the parents.

The exclusion of a child from a party invitation has been ignored by many replying to this thread. The primary responses have been to the word 'gossiping' and many of them have been rather horrible towards @Ladyoftheapple . No surprise given the pile on that she has not been back to the thread.
What message are the parents sending to their children if they are clearly discussing her daughter's parents negatively. Two children, her daughter has asked why she has not been invited have replied in a similar way. Shame on those parents.

This first post ^^ basically says it.

As pp have pointed out there is a difference between a friendly hello and a bitchy gossip. If you don't engage at all with the other parents then they will think you don't want to associate with them. In infant school parents tend to be in charge of party lists and will invite the children whose parents they are friendly with. By the time the children have made their own friends and get a say in who they want to invite you may find that your child will get more invitations.

Has your daughter never had anyone from school round to play? Has she been invited to tea at other children's houses? Often when I picked DD up we would have an other child come home with us last minute or DD would be invited to anther child's house. These playdates (I dislike that term) were often spontaneous.

My sister worked full time and never got to know any of the parents. Her childminder/nanny dropped the children off and picked them up. I worked part time and always managed a friendly hello with other parents. My sister's children went to very few parties. DD went to loads, especially in reception and year 1. They tailed off after that when they became a handful of friends rather than class parties.

Basically, if you have children you need to be prepared to get out of your comfort zone when it comes to sorting out a social life for your children. It isn't fair on them if you don't.

it isn't just about talking at school gate. Are you part of the community?
Village football club, Amateur Drama Group, Church or whatever your village or suburb has.
" No Man is an Island" etc.

Same, but if a kid come up to my 8 year old son asking why they weren't invited, I reckon he would have blamed it on me.

Fair enough if the children weren't friends; petty and nasty to exclude the child f they had been but mother wasn't interested in you.

I think that's really shitty of the friends parents.
I invited plenty of kids I've never spoken to or met the parents of to my daughter's party! Excluding another child based on how chatty their parent is, is shit parenting. Why are the children not choosing who goes to the party? My 6 year old wrote her own list of kids to invite.

It's totally on the parents, it's not on you.

Also though, I wouldn't trust the words of the children themselves. The children may not be telling the truth, or you may have got a warped version. The party child may be trying to avoid blame by saying it's their parents not them.

I think it’s really horrible of them to exclude your DD on the basis of your relationship with the parents especially at 8. It’s not like you have to hang out with the parents at the party, it’ll be drop and run anyway surely.

Basically, if you have children you need to be prepared to get out of your comfort zone when it comes to sorting out a social life for your children. It isn't fair on them if you don't.

I don’t even think you have to go that far out of your comfort zone tbh. You just have to show a bit of courtesy and friendliness.

The OP’s attitude to any kind of social contact is palpably negative and people are picking up on it.

Its very typical of a mindset that you see a lot where any social contact outside of your immediate family is a burden. Its very self defeating.

Yes no child should be excluded on the basis of hostility to the parents but its human nature that people are wary of others who project hostility or suspicion. Its not that difficult to smile and chat for a few minutes.

Maybe you didnt mean it that way but the comment 'made themselves scarce at the gate' sounds like you deliberately exclude working mums, which is quite nasty.
The PP you are responding to made it clear the reason they couldnt do pickups was because they are working.

You use to be able to before GDPR - I got one for my DD when she was 7ish.

There's no way that could be taken as sarky. It's a simple statement of fact.

Yes it's very thinly veiled jealousy at not being included in the group. Also, being ND or introverted is not an excuse. Lots of ND people learn to make small talk, read social cues and socialise perfectly fine. It might take them a bit more effort so but so does hundreds of other skills in life. Not everyone has a natural talent in cooking but you learn with practise. Nobody is born with the ability to run marathons but many succeed through determination and training.

I'm ND and could write a list of 100+ school gate social cues and appropriate interactions that I've observed. Gossiping is actually a huge red flag and nobody wants your company if you start to bring up teachers or other parents. Most small talk is just saying hi to many different groups of mums and making them feel acknowledged without being too full on. Other factors like social status can make a difference, whether people like to admit that or not. I was talking to a rich mum and it was very interesting how she says "Oh I have to go say hi" when she sees another rich mum but they're actually not really close friends. It's more of a social acknowledgement since their husbands know each other, lot of mutual contacts etc. She goes to greet them but without shoehorning herself into the conversation and make it seem like she's desperate for a friendship. Then she smoothly comes back to the conversation without making it feel like she's discarding you. There's a lot of skill and practise that goes into who you greet, the level of small talk, content of conversation and length of time you chat before moving to someone else. Basically the same as any cocktail party, reception or dinner party.

All this talk of excluding the DD suggests that the birthday kid has asked to invite the DD and parents have said no. But that may not be what happened?

Isn’t it more likely that the parents drew up the list and the birthday kid just didn’t think to ask to add DD? And this may mean that birthday kid and DD aren’t as close as OP thinks.

Its very typical of a mindset that you see a lot where any social contact outside of your immediate family is a burden. Its very self defeating.

We don't have have any immediate family nearer than 200 miles. Our social group were and are friends in the city we live in, most of whom didn't have children.

I find it really odd that so many of you are cultivating friendships with parents rather than cultivating children who are likeable, sociable and capable of making their own friends. As for party invitations in the primary years it felt like one almost every week.

It seems nuts to me. When my children had parties it never occurred to me to base invitations on whose parents I knew. After infants my mum never spent a day at school gates and didn’t know any parents, not even my best friend’s. It’s such a weird world today.

Agreed.

But I know that it carried on into secondary with my son's cohort - the parents seemed to be very in control of their children's friendships.

I would have thought more mums work these days but it probably also depends on how many SAHMs there are too as they have more time to chat to each other.

According to many of the views it seems parents who both work full time or like me worked from home & barely had time to draw breath during school drop off / pick up were deemed to be antisocial therefore it is acceptable to exclude their children from parties. I was fortunate in that my children were popular from day one & they were invited to parties by friends they primarily made themselves.

The OP is justified in being upset with this situation. Parents who are reserved by nature should be made to feel welcome by those parents who are more extraverted. Sadly the opposite is very often the case in the playground. Ostrasizing children due to the nature of their parents is inexcusable, especially when the children concerned are friends.

I have nothing to suggest either way, but one thing I have definitely noticed though.

Quote from you
My daughter has said she hasn’t been invited but her best friend has, then said to her that she hasn’t been invited because “her Mummy doesn’t talk to their parents”.

With all the comments and advice that has been sent to you, never once have you replied, or answered anything on the thread that you personally created.

So we have to assume that "her Mummy doesn't talk to us either."

I dont know what the hell you're on about, sorry. I use a little thing called WhatsApp, same as every other parent at my child's school does to make arrangements.

How does allowing your child to choose who comes to their party or who they want to invite for a playdate equate to childrenmaking their own arrangements?

Thats really strange for them to issue list of names,numbers and addresses, surely that's a gdpr breech and a potential safeguarding concern.

There is a couple parents in DD2's year that I definitely wouldn't want knowing where I live 🤣

For our daughters class what's app groups, everyone got sent an invite link, they could chose to join or not

OK. But are you friendly towards the other parents in the playground? Regardless of who is on your son's birthday list? Because I think thats the point people are trying to make?