Child not invited to parties because “I don’t talk to parents”

[Ladyoftheapple]

My daughter is 8, she has three close friends in school, two of which are boys. One of these boys has had birthday parties and invited the close knit friends but my daughter has been excluded.

Today, my daughter has come home and said her best friend has said she is going to another boy in the class’s party. My daughter has said she hasn’t been invited but her best friend has then said to her that she hasn’t been invited because “her Mummy doesn’t talk to their parents”. She also said she spoke to her other best boy friend and he said the reason that she wasn’t invited was because his parents chose who came.

To be honest, I am a drop and run kind of parent and so is my Husband. I am terrible at small talk and I don’t want to be stood at the school gates gossiping. Is this on me? I feel it’s really unfair on my daughter that she is being excluded from her best friends parties because of her parents opinions of me 😳

Another one here terrible at small talk but I did try to make an effort at the school gate to chat politely to other parents, if only to oil the social wheels. It's the way things work in our culture really.

People that appear friendly will naturally have more people want to spend time with them/near them.

You don’t have to gossip, just be friendly and maybe strike up a small conversation every now and then.

We had this, from a parent who was happy to bring their DC to a party at our home. I didn’t know them because I work and a CM dropped DS to school. It was blooming upsetting at the time but DS has long since forgotten. I thought it was pretty small minded from someone who I chatted to when I saw them and who rather went on about how well our DC played together.

It sounds shitty for her to be excluded for this reason but if a bit of school-gate smiling and small talk is what the social norms require I think you just need to suck it up for her sake.

There is a middle ground between being standoffish and gossiping. Small talk is an essential skill that can be learnt.

What makes you think that all parents who chat are standing around gossiping? You're placing very negative connotations on very normal social behaviour, perhaps your feelings of superiority are more obvious than you'd assumed?

What's gossiping got to do with it? I chat at the gates and in the park afterwards because these parents are the same parents I also see at some of DC activities and in some cases whome families have become friends. Nobody is gossipping.

YANBU, but small talk and ‘gossiping’ are not the same thing. It’s not surprising that your child will get invited to more things if you chat and are friendly.

Yeah, I do think it's worth making an effort with school parents for your dc's benefit. You don't have to be besties, but make a few connections.

Who says you have to gossip? You can be friendly and polite without gossiping. Maybe they’ve picked up on your opinion of parents who engage in normal pleasantries. Do you want your daughter to be able to chat to people? If so it’ll help if she sees you and her dad doing it. Small talk isn’t stupid or pointless, it oils the wheels of most parts of life.

Could be “out of sight out of mind”?

If you don’t chat to the other parents , it’s possible they just unintentionally forget you exist and subsequently your daughter too.

I think this kind of behaviour fades away as children find their voices and expect their actual friends to be invited to their parties.

I have photos of DD1's early parties and there is definitely a skew towards my friends' children. But few of them lasted the course as she chose her own friends.

although it would be different for actual birthday parties, we did tend to socialise on a weekend with families that as a group got on the best with ours Iyswim. So all the adults were friends, and all the kids were too.

it’s different if eg my dd was just having her friends over without the parents, then she would choose whoever, but for a social group gathering, it would be more me choosing my friends and crossing fingers that the kids get on!

just the other side of this.

Honestly it sounds like you are looking down on the parents chatting at the gates and maybe they have picked up on that. Ive often chatted to other parents and not once have I 'gossiped'. And funnily enough we have a wide community around us where there are always parties and gatherings and invites to stuff. Partly because both me and DH make an effort to say hi and ask how people's weeks are going

Yes this is fairly standard.

if you don’t at least make a minimal effort people will assume you are arrogant/superior/don’t care and yes your kid will be left out.

I must be honest this would make me feel as a parent that I wish I had made more of an effort.

I don’t want to be stood at the school gates gossiping

There does seem to be this stereotype that women who talk to each other in this sort of situation must be “gossiping”. At the hairdresser’s seems to be another situation where we couldn’t possibly just be being nice and friendly.

It’s misogyny really, isn’t it? Group of women, must be gossiping.

Where I live, for some reason drop off play dates don't really happen - at least my eldest is nine and there's only one friend that does drop-off play dates. So the parents and the children come as a package. So if we don't know the parents well enough to have a natter over a cuppa, then the kids don't tend to get invited either. That's not to say they need to be besties, but it would be weird if they'd need even said hi to you!

Yabu and creating an unfair situation for your dd. Parents hosting their kids friends will naturally find it easier and less worrisome to invite the children of parents they have had a chat with. In the same way that if your daughter wants to invite friends round you'll feel more comfortable if you've got some sort of a clue what her friends (and their home background and parents) are like.

5-10 minutes most days isnt much of an effort whilst you wait in the playground for your child to appear.

Being friendly with the other parents doesn’t have to mean gossiping, surely? What do you talk to your friends about?
I’m not a natural socialiser and am shit at small talk, but I made the effort to chat to the parents of my kids’ friends, for their sake. No gossiping though.

I agree with PPs about “gossiping”. Aren’t they just chatting?

Also, at my DD’s school, most of the chatting happens before drop off, when you’re waiting for the gates to open. Once the gates are open and the children have gone, most people are off. Do you not talk to anyone before? If you’re there with your child, they’re there with theirs, can’t you go up with your child to say hi and chat?

She hasn’t been excluded, unless all other kids in the class have been invited.

She just hasn’t been included. And yes at 8 the parents are likely to lead on who gets invited.

It may not just be about school gates though. Have you had these kids over for playdates? If the others are having playdates or family meet ups at each others’ houses and you aren’t involved in any of this, then realistically the other kids may be closer to each other, even if you/your daughter see them as an equal group.

How come the children don't see each other out of school if they are so close? Surely the parents would've got to know you a little that way instead?

Find this baffling, at 8yo surely they choose their own friends to invite regardless of what the parents are like?

Unless I had a real issue with a parent/guardian I would just invite whoever my child wanted?

I don’t think you should have to network for the sake of your child at that age.

This is just the way life works, I’m afraid. My daughter was often excluded from things because I didn’t know the parents, not by her very best friends, but in cases where it was more of a big group event. Well, I don’t think it’s really intentionally “excluded”, it’s more about not being known / being forgotten.

It’s not just about small talk at the school gates, there is more to it than that. Sometimes the kids have older siblings so the parents have known each other for years through them. Sometimes it’s about knowing each other through sports and other activities, whether that’s through school or outside of it. Sometimes they are neighbours. Sometimes it’s just the parents inviting their own friends who happen to have kids the same age.

At the end of the day, it probably doesn’t matter that much. It won’t be long before your child is able to organise her own social life.