Child not invited to parties because “I don’t talk to parents”

[Ladyoftheapple]

My daughter is 8, she has three close friends in school, two of which are boys. One of these boys has had birthday parties and invited the close knit friends but my daughter has been excluded.

Today, my daughter has come home and said her best friend has said she is going to another boy in the class’s party. My daughter has said she hasn’t been invited but her best friend has then said to her that she hasn’t been invited because “her Mummy doesn’t talk to their parents”. She also said she spoke to her other best boy friend and he said the reason that she wasn’t invited was because his parents chose who came.

To be honest, I am a drop and run kind of parent and so is my Husband. I am terrible at small talk and I don’t want to be stood at the school gates gossiping. Is this on me? I feel it’s really unfair on my daughter that she is being excluded from her best friends parties because of her parents opinions of me 😳

That’s a shame. I dropped my daughter to breakfast club everyday before work and there was barely any kids there she was the only one in her year that went so I never had any interactions with her classmates parents. I would say hi if I seen anyone at pick up but I was usually rushing to school after school and once she hit like 8/9 she walked to the car. She had a couple birthday parties and I invited the full class. Nobody got left out I barely knew anyone but I still spoke to the parents who came xx

I'm honestly being genuine here. It has never occured to me that small talk can be learned. I've always just assumed I'm just deficient and it comes naturally to everyone else.

I know this sounds sarky but it is honestly not! I'm going to go look it up, I hate the way I feel when a conversation goes dead and I have no way to fill it!

Do the parents have any way of contacting you? If not then they can't invite your dd. A lot of schools don't allow invites to be handed out at school now to avoid any issues and nobody really does paper invites anymore anyway.

Do you ever invite other kids to playdates or your dd parties? If not then you can't expect an invite in return.

I hate small talk, I'm very socially awkward, but I do it for my son to make sure he is not excluded from things because of me. It's out of my comfort zone but I do it. And I've actually met some lovely people who I'd now call friends. The are now both at secondary school and I don't need to get involved with parents anymore, but kept in touch with the ones that I stuck a bond with.

Honestly, I bet there are 100 useful videos on youtube/tiktok that give you a how to on handling small talk if you're a person who finds small talk awkward

It doesn’t come naturally to me at all and it’s a skill I’ve tried hard to learn. No 1 rule… people like talking about themselves. If there’s a gap in conversation, ask them something about themself, or their child.

You’ve used some rather misogynistic language here. You’ve tarred them all with the brush of lowly gossipers in spite of knowing nothing about them. I would imagine that they’ve picked up on the negative vibes you’re putting off and aren’t keen to include your daughter.

So yes, this is on you. Dust off your social skills and make some effort for her sake.

But you have a husband so you must be somewhat decent at small talk when you want to be? Or did you meet him in a philosophy class or something 😆

Most parents have to suck it up for the sake of their kids friendships.

It’s usually the parents who start building up the play dates relationships which will then lead to party invites in the first few years of schools. Sometimes you have do things you don’t like for your children’s sake

Why would you be gossiping? If she’s 8, haven’t you already had 3/4 years of chatting to these mums at parties etc or at school events or yes in the playground to get to know some of them? So you’d have things to talk about.

Tbh I don’t like it either but I’ll engage in the social dance with people I don’t like and don’t want to talk to for the sake of my offspring. DH does it too, and tbf he’s better at it than me. I just think of it as like work; clock in, do the chat, clock out.

The only one who I do like happens to be a gran who’s 40 years older than me, so there has been one good thing in it for me. You never know, you might meet a friend. I genuinely didn’t think I would make a friend but I have.

people like talking about themselves…

Absolutely - this is a sure fire way of making conversation. And there’s always the weather or some noncontroversial topic that's in the news. Making a mental - or indeed written - note of what people’s interests and personal circumstances are, so one can make more personalised comments. And look people in the eye and smile.

Ah I think this is ridiculous. Surely you'd let your child invite their close friend, even if you don't talk to the parents?

I appreciate what people are saying about it being an unwritten social expectation, but I still think it's a shame. Also not everyone wants to talk. Some people are shy, some people are autistic, some people just don't like small talk, and so on. I don't see why that should be a reason to not invite a child.

My DD is only 2, and I'm already dreading the school gates. I'm neurodiverse and just really struggle with small talk outside of conversations I've learned to script about the weather. I don't emote much either and just don't laugh at things the way others do. I'm actually very extraverted and have lots of friends, but they're friends I've met through a nerdy hobby where everyone is pretty dorky tbh. I just go to bits in small talk, and I'm not sure talking about my current hyperfixation or asking 'so what would your final meal on death's row be?' will really cut it at the school gates 😂😭 I'll be asking my neurotypical friend to teach me, at least it's 2 years away 🙈

I'd hate my child to lose out because of my awkward neurodivergent ass.

OP I'm completely with you on this. I'm a drop and run parent too and I literally run because I work full time and don't have time for small talk. Even if I work from home I need to be ready and start before 9am.
Just smile and say hi to whoever you pass by - that's what I do.

I suspect this is more about your attitude than just not spending a lot of time talking - based on the assumption they are gossiping at the school gate. I didn't spend much time at all at the school gate due to work commitments but still had little chats with DCs friends parents - how is so and so settling in to the new class, holiday plans/holiday follow ups, etc etc.

This sums it up.

You don’t have to be best friends but if parents think your rude or can’t be bothered with them they won’t be in a rush to invite your child.

I have grinned and put up with some complete bitches (mums and dads) at school for the sake of my DDs. There was a girl in one of my DDs classes who was left off several invite lists it was a small class so very noticeable, the simple reason was because the other parents didn’t like her mum. It’s shit but it absolutely happens like this sometimes. Thankfully my other DDs had far better groups of parents.

If You were talking about 4 year olds this might make some sense but surely 8 year old choose their own friends and who they play with and invite to birthday parties? And drop and run is perfectly normal for 8 year olds.

Did you invite them all to your daughter’s parties?

Unless it's a very small school it's unlikely you'll be the only neuro divergent parent. Some may even share your nerdy hobby. We found a few parents that played Pokemon Go which was the go to hobby for ND parents back when my kids were little (after it was super popular but before covid)!

Yes definitely make an effort. It will help your child but it’s also just an important life skill. They aren’t gossiping, they are making small talk. Just be friendly and join in.

Your description of
mums who are friends with each other it’s really patronising and unpleasant hopefully that hasn’t come across but you’ve had a wake up. now you know what to do you might not like it but do it for your daughter.

Sometimes that is a genuine reason.

Although at 8, if you don’t know the parents you would think that hosting a party was an excuse to invite the parents of your child’s friends and get to know them.

Different people have different mindsets. But I’m keen to know who my child hangs out with, curious about the family and so I also hate small talk, but I do it to avoid situations like this.

I chat about the weather, what the children are up to in class, upcoming sports day, trips, plans for the weekend. I don’t gossip.

I host my DC parties at home and yeah it would fill me with dread to have to invite a parent who didn’t chat or partake. It’s just bloody hard work.

You have to make the effort for the sake of your child.Every week at swimming lessons I chat to one of the Dad’s who couldn’t be further from my sort of person. One day I’ll tell my kids that every Thursday for 30 mins I spoke to a little girls Dad and asked him questions about football and boxing and golf and a whole host of things I couldn’t give a shit about - and I did it for them, because the kids adore each other and I adore them. I know they’ll laugh about this when they’re in their teens.

You can’t just drop and run for their entire school life surely? Aren’t you interested? Surely they have friends whose parents you’ve had to converse with at some point?

I’d agree with some of the comments more if the child was under 5 or 6, but I’ve just been to a party of a 4 year old who was actually ASKED who they wanted to invite, so shock horror they had some input. If OP’s daughter is close fiends with these kids and is 8 years old I think it’s fairly shitty of the parents to exclude her bc her mum doesn’t stop to chat. Presumably their kids have said they’d like her to be there.

would fill me with dread to have to invite a parent who didn’t chat or partake.

Isn't that a bit dramatic? You wouldn’t be expected to babysit them the whole time. If they wanted to sit there and not chat to others awkwardly isn’t that up to them? It wouldn’t affect the other adults and certainly wouldn’t affect the kids, and these children are 8! How often do parents stay at parties for this age group?