Child not invited to parties because “I don’t talk to parents”

[Ladyoftheapple]

My daughter is 8, she has three close friends in school, two of which are boys. One of these boys has had birthday parties and invited the close knit friends but my daughter has been excluded.

Today, my daughter has come home and said her best friend has said she is going to another boy in the class’s party. My daughter has said she hasn’t been invited but her best friend has then said to her that she hasn’t been invited because “her Mummy doesn’t talk to their parents”. She also said she spoke to her other best boy friend and he said the reason that she wasn’t invited was because his parents chose who came.

To be honest, I am a drop and run kind of parent and so is my Husband. I am terrible at small talk and I don’t want to be stood at the school gates gossiping. Is this on me? I feel it’s really unfair on my daughter that she is being excluded from her best friends parties because of her parents opinions of me 😳

Exactly.

@DreamyRedNewt isn't this obvious?!

I have friends. I don’t do idle chit chat. I don’t want school mum friends

I find it interesting when so many people state they actively don’t want to make friends at the school gates. How do you ever make friends in life without starting with some idle chitchat and then seeing if there are common interests etc. I have friends from all areas of life and I would have missed out had I proactively shut out people who happened to have children at my kids’ school. I worked full-time but made friends with a couple of mums who didn’t have jobs, but we had plenty of other things in common.

Same. And then the regulations changed so they stopped giving out any information like this.

I am sure they would not allow that now

And the point I made is it's natural to have mums in the playground who are possibly shy & more introverted for countless reasons. It's then up to the more extroverted and dare I say it ring leaders of playground cliques to make those types feel more welcome.

What is your definition of what is a clique and what is a group of friends? Is the latter acceptable in a playground?

I know! Do these "worthy" women just go straight into philosophy or politics without even assessing whether potential friends might actually be interested in their serious topics?

I spot whether I've got a good connection with an individual by.. err.. talking to people!

And if not, well I'll still be friendly anyway.

Honestly, there are so many posters on MN who seem to believe that simply being able to talk to others makes us somehow unkind or unreasonable, just because they find it difficult.

What can you say? 🤷🏻

I never wanted to make pals with the other mums as therein lies trouble, and I wasn’t interested in gossip, but always made the effort to say “hello, how’s Tommy / Tabitha getting on? Did they enjoy the school trip? Are you going to Egyptians Day next week? How much of a pain in the arse is World Book Day?” That was enough to keep relations friendly and my kids not to be left out.

How embarrassing for everyone.

Will it spill onto uni too? No wonder there are so many young adults unable to do anythibg for themselves!

Honestly, there are so many posters on MN who seem to believe that simply being able to talk to others makes us somehow unkind or unreasonable, just because they find it difficult.

You may have a point there. I am very inclusive and welcoming and sometimes do get a bit overwhelmed by people coming to me with their problems because I am kind and approachable, but I will always try and help. On this board you would think that being friendly and able to do small talk and chat to people is actually a flaw.

I never wanted to make pals with the other mums as therein lies trouble, and I wasn’t interested in gossip,

This is most definitely not the case for everybody.

My definition of a clique in the sense of a playground setting is a group of women who gang together every school pickup day & make it obvious to every other person in the playground they are outsiders.

You could say there is nothing stopping the women who stand alone from walking up to them, making herself known & joining in. There is usually as much chance of that being welcome as a bad virus. I was always friendly towards all parents I found myself standing beside. I never became involved with the cliques as they had their own agendas & made it known by their actions there was a wall nobody else was allowed to penetrate. Their children were always made to stay friends within the group which is an example of the situation the OP has described in this thread.

So is it okay for people to talk with their friends, as long as they are welcoming to others that might walk by or come up for a chat?

Absolutely, although I've witnessed mums stand alone within a meter of cliques like this & they may as well be invisible, even if the say Hi to them on arrival. The chat & laughing continues as if they weren't there. They also gravitate towards the same spot in the playground as if it belongs to them 😂 It's actually embarrassing to witness.

How weird. "Darling, for your birthday party, who would you like to invite?"

Not sure if it is fair but if your social awkwardness has been misread as aloof and snobby by other parents then this could have something to do with your daughter missing out. Acknowledging people, saying 'hi' and making some small effort can pay dividends. A real shame for your daughter to be left out. It seems petty of the parents but can see both sides.

Surely you could make an effort so that your children aren't excluded. It can sometimes come across as stand off ish

Don't worry about it, I'm in the same position and it upsets me at times! Children should be invited to parties because they're friends with the other children, not that the parents are friends, it's absolutely pathetic!

Yes, it is on you. Like it or not, you have to make an effort for your kids’ sake.

What a load of absolute codswallop. My daughter has plenty of friends, has been to plenty parties and I’ve rarely been able to chat at the school gates. Because, you know, work? I’ve been a hybrid worker since Covid in mid p1 and p1-3 I would drop her at the gates and go or she’d be in breakfast club. In fact, I don’t remember seeing any of her now friends mums hanging around the gates either. And from p4 onwards she walked to and from school with friends or went to after school club so no need for me to be at the gates. Do none of these women have jobs?

Private school in Edinburgh. We must have been asked when he was enrolled. It's not a breach if you consent.

Have you hosted playdates? Been to any whole class parties?

This is odd for that age. For the first couple of years maybe (assuming they don't have whole class parties) but for 7, 8 and 9 my kids 100% picked who THEY wanted at their parties. I mean a parent might make their excuses if they didn't like me, who knows, haha. But I certainly didn't dictate who they could invite!

Hasn’t she ever had play dates with these “close” friends, op?
To be fair, you appear to make absolutely no effort at all on her behalf.

It’s not your fault but people do invite people that they know a bit (in general) it’s crap but kind of how it is and has been for the 20 years I’ve been doing school runs - I’ve had 4 children and it’s been the same every time. My OH said something to me a week or so ago ‘I don’t know why you bother with those idiots.’ We live in an area of deprivation and the parents are rougher / louder / crappier parents than we expected. But as I said to him ‘these are the friends our children will have while we we send them to that school and whilst I don’t want to be friends with anyone there, in order for our children to have friends and be invited over, I need to be polite end friendly.’ I would maybe invite her friends over (send a note to school with your mobile number in) so that the parents get to know you a little bit and then you’ll likely get that reciprocated.