AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

[Kittenwatch]

How often have you really shouted/lost your temper at your partner/spouse?

I’ve been with my DH for over 20 years. We generally have a calm relationship. Neither of us are perfect obviously but we generally divide stuff up fairly well. We’ve probably only had 2/3 serious blow-ups in that time.

They all stem from his shit memory.

Today I screamed at him like I’ve never before. He was in the wrong but people still shouldn’t be shouted at. I was so angry and still am. I’m not sure what’s next.

He’s wfh today. I was called to collect our youngest son from school. I told him and he acknowledged the message - he’s interviewing all day so had limited opportunities to communicate which I get.

I arrived back home to the chain on the door. For no fucking reason. I rang the door, messaged and called him. Nothing (and I can see he didn’t read the messages). I drove around for 30 ish mins with windows down because I couldn’t sit on the drive in the car with sick DS and my neighbour wasn’t home.

After half an hour my neighbour returned home and very kindly yanked up her fence so I could climb under and get in.

So we’re in and he came down after his meeting finished oblivious and I screamed at him that he was stupid and to go away.

He’s upstairs interviewing again. I’m calmer but still angry.

Points to note:

DS is autistic with high support needs - he’s 8 but intellectually more like a 2/3 year old. He’s non verbal and cannot communicate how he feels. I collected him because he’d been sick at school.

I have a mobility issue. Getting under the fence was a significant challenge.

There is zero reason for the chain to be on.

I had messaged him repeatedly and called him too. Even if he couldn’t answer I think that a phone repeatedly buzzing when you know your wife was collecting your sick child warrants at least a glance.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is. I’m angry with him and disappointed in myself for losing my rag.

Yanbu to be furious but he does probably have undiagnosed neurodiversity issues that potentially triggered this massive lack-of-brain error. Not that it's any excuse but as an adult he needs to be aware of his weaknesses and limitations and factor them in when making decisions. Not in the same league but my partner regularly tidies away kitchen equipment that I am currently using and eg I will go to stir the soup to find that the utensils are all in the dishwasher because autopilot doesn't think about whether there's a reason not to autopilot.

How did your sick son react to the shouting, OP?

Yes its frightening how many women think that their behaviour when angry is justified. Their slaps arent real slaps. Their hostility isnt really hostile. Their abuse isnt abusive.

The OP has said the workload in their home is shared equally. Pretty sure she covered that. Stop making excuses for women to be abusive. And no I am not a man, I am suggesting medical reasons the OP might have lost her ability to regulate her emotions.

Abuse is a pattern of behaviour.

There is also a phenomenon called ' reactive abuse ', where over a prolonged period of drip drip unacceptable behaviour from the other party, someone can absolutely explode.. understandably so.

When someone gets away with being verbally and emotionally abusive, it often escalates.

This is quite the leap and not at all an obvious conclusion from the information contained in the OP’s original post or replies.

He did one thing wrong. There is no drip drip. Just a woman who thinks that shouting and screaming at her husband is ok if he has annoyed her and worryingly, quite a lot of women supporting that perspective.

It sounds very much like a one off.
Nerdy professional interviewing is probably outside his comfort zone. I feel like a tv presenter having to do a blurb about the organisation and role, stressful making sure you comply with all policies/scoring, deal with candidates crying or frozen rabbits in headlights. I always feel rung out after interviewing.
I can imagine his mind was elsewhere this morning and he’s put chain on inadvertently then not moved from desk. Not ideal but just one of those things.
He’s apologised.
You understandably are angry at him and sound at end of tether. Guessing perimenopause thrown in for good measure (I absolutely lost it once over state of hall cupboard totally out of character throwing things around)
I’d just let dust settle and have a quiet evening. You’ll all feel shaken up.

You had the right to be furious and yell especially in this hot weather. I don't believe in bottling things up. It's not good for you.

You are continually suggesting things that are not correct or appropriate for OP in this situation.

You don't seem to have a good grasp on this at all with the comments you're making.

Are you a man who was abused by their partner? I absolutely accept that happens.

From what we've been given here; absolutely not the case.

Let's give constructive support to OP in dealing with what her husband is doing and how she can have respite from all the obvious stress - not going down the self blame route you are continually insisting she explore. Not ok.

I hope you and your son are feeling better now @Kittenwatch. So obviously what your DH did wasn’t deliberate. He just absently minded locked you out of your own home despite knowing you were only away for a short time picking up his sick child. YANBU. I feel angry on your behalf. I am married to the absent minded professor. When do we get to be absent minded? Instead most women don’t have the luxury to be absent minded when juggling all the demands we have on us.

With an ND husband, I'd bet my life there has been a life time of drip drip, OP as the wife, has to put up and shut up with. Even if not all entirely his fault.

DH (also WFH) sometimes locks me out if the postman comes while I’m out. DH just locks the door afterwards out of habit because we always keep it locked. Then I can’t get in because the keys are in the other side.

Is that what happened? Your DH answered the door then put the chain on out of habit?

The difference is my DH comes down to let me in when I ring the bell/message/call. Your DH should have excused himself quickly to do the same.

Shouting isn’t good obviously but I don’t think you were abusive. You were angry and stressed and worried about your DS.

I am giving costructive supprt by making it VERY clear that the behaviour is abusive and she should get help. That is constructive. What isnt constructive is allowing OP to minimise her abusive behaviour and that it is acceptable to behave that way when you feel provoked. This is exactly what I'd say to man who screamed at his wife for leaving the chain on the door hours before he arrived home.

OP, I think you are getting more sympathy here than condemnation, many of us can well understand what it's like to be at the end of your tether in circumstances such as yours.
You’ve apologised.
Don’t let people who have no real knowledge of you and your situation blame you regardless.
It’s all very well to be holier than thou but this kind of self righteousness is not pleasant to see. People might consider taking a step back before apportioning blame.

She hasn't said that. Besides, you leave partners who make you unhappy. You don't abuse them

What a prat putting the chain on!

Id be fuming too.

Yes I agree. Shouting isn't right, but it's not the worst thing. I guess this poster would side with my abusive ex who used to drip cruel insults in my ear all day and then ask me what was wrong with me when I eventually cracked and got upset. People can be awful quietly, not everyone who loses their temper under duress is abusive.

So am adult who screams and shouts at people shouldn't be held accountable? Or only women?

Sigh. Reductio ad absurdum.
No one has said that.
Circumstances are key.

There was no duress. There was a mistake. The OP has clarified that her husband is attentive to his responsibilities to their child and home

I have never wanted to report any poster on here. And have not felt compelled to....until you.

This is so wholly unacceptable what you are doing. I am now convinced you're either a man or a Stepford Wife enigma.

It is not acceptable at all to continually berate a vulnerable poster coming here acknowledging a mistake and seeking support. Seeking support and constructive advice as a woman in the very vulnerable position all women are in within a male / female relationship. Vulnerability even more accentuated with a disabled child.

So utterly unacceptable of you.

I have zero doubt OP is typically mopping up everyone's shit and is not an abuser.

Your continual insistence and pattern of posts, including the suggestion of OPs mental illness, is however concerning me immensely.

One hundred per cent he was up to no good. Me and my DH work from home. Many times, even when interviewing I have had to interject and interrupt the meeting. I would have said ‘Sorry, do excuse me, my husband is locked out, I just need to dash off for thirty seconds and let him in, my apologies, back in a second.

He isn’t performing heart surgery, he is allowed to leave his post, can he genuinely not hear the door, or see that you called repeatedly?

He put the chain on to have a wank, watch porn, chat to someone he shouldn’t. The chain banging ensures he has time to finish whatever he shouldn’t be doing.

WFH like being in an office means you sometimes have to react to the things happening around you. Nothing bad happens if you answer the door or say I’ll ring you back.