AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

[Kittenwatch]

How often have you really shouted/lost your temper at your partner/spouse?

I’ve been with my DH for over 20 years. We generally have a calm relationship. Neither of us are perfect obviously but we generally divide stuff up fairly well. We’ve probably only had 2/3 serious blow-ups in that time.

They all stem from his shit memory.

Today I screamed at him like I’ve never before. He was in the wrong but people still shouldn’t be shouted at. I was so angry and still am. I’m not sure what’s next.

He’s wfh today. I was called to collect our youngest son from school. I told him and he acknowledged the message - he’s interviewing all day so had limited opportunities to communicate which I get.

I arrived back home to the chain on the door. For no fucking reason. I rang the door, messaged and called him. Nothing (and I can see he didn’t read the messages). I drove around for 30 ish mins with windows down because I couldn’t sit on the drive in the car with sick DS and my neighbour wasn’t home.

After half an hour my neighbour returned home and very kindly yanked up her fence so I could climb under and get in.

So we’re in and he came down after his meeting finished oblivious and I screamed at him that he was stupid and to go away.

He’s upstairs interviewing again. I’m calmer but still angry.

Points to note:

DS is autistic with high support needs - he’s 8 but intellectually more like a 2/3 year old. He’s non verbal and cannot communicate how he feels. I collected him because he’d been sick at school.

I have a mobility issue. Getting under the fence was a significant challenge.

There is zero reason for the chain to be on.

I had messaged him repeatedly and called him too. Even if he couldn’t answer I think that a phone repeatedly buzzing when you know your wife was collecting your sick child warrants at least a glance.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is. I’m angry with him and disappointed in myself for losing my rag.

He was apologetic but I shouted at him to go away.

Rather than jumping to that conclusion, would you not think that he put the chain on absent-mindedly when doing upstairs, given that they do out the chain on every night. Have you never done something and then afterwards have no recollection of doing so ?

Oh dear. We have a chain but the only time we put it on is when we are about to go to bed. I once put the chain on when DH was out late, and he once did the same to me (both genuine autopilot accidents, not deliberate or tit for tat) and trying to wake the other person up to come and unchain the door is really difficult. it is a fairly easy mistake to make.

I can completely under your DH not checking his phone while interviewing people though. That would be very rude and unprofessional. But I’m that if you rang the doorbell that didn’t cause him to think “oh no, I left the chain on!” and excuse himself to open the door.

I’d say you’ve had an awful day - you are interrupted at work and had to leave, you are worried about your son, it’s super hot, etc. I’d guess all your anger at the whole situation blew up into range about this one small mistake. Honestly, I think you owe your DH an apt for getting so over the top angry, because it sounds like most of this was general rage that got focused on his one small mistake.

Did you ask him why he put the chain on?

I’ve got a child with ASD and medical issues. I also have health problems of my own. It is exhausting and sometimes
terrifying.

Your fury is justified. At the very least he should be looking for a way to give you a break as soon as possible so you can recover a bit physically.

I would look into an electronic lock. You have to guard the code religiously and if your ASD kid is like mine they are very good and figuring that kind of thing out, but otherwise they are escape proof and stupid human proof.

No I agree. If he shouted at me like that I don’t think I’d still be in the house.

I’d be annoyed too.

Given the fact you use the chain because of your autistic child he’s probably in the habit of putting it on and done it automatically

Yes wimmin don’t ever be angry it’s “abusive” 🙄🙄🙄
For hundreds of years we’ve been conditioned to fear being angry and told it’s bad and wrong, it’s how they control us. No thank you.
It’s not abusive to shout at someone once FFS. Maybe if people stopped crying that everything anyone ever does is abusive we would be believed more about actual abuse.

It's mumsnet and he's a man.

Wanking is the least people could accuse him of. I'm surprised someone hasn't accused him of putting the chain on so he could get on with his hobby of bludgeoning baby seals to death.

And you are right, no matter how angry we get, there is a level of shouting that is not ok.

you should apologize for the lashing out.

I just think first it’s ok to acknowledge to yourself what a bad situation you were in and how it happened. This wasn’t getting your feelings hurt. This was real stress and pain.

I think you need to let it go. From what you’ve written your DH is a ‘proper’ husband and Dad, not like a lot of the men we read about on here who are essentially useless. We all make mistakes, it rarely happens, it could be you doing something stupid tomorrow. Time to get over it now.

No, she seems angry, stressed and at the end of her tether.

I can understand why you lost your temper. Apologise and move on.

I don't understand what happens though, he was working from home and you left to pick up sick ds, while your were gone he's come downstairs put the chain on the door and gone back to work? Why the fuck would he do that?

If your son is ND, there's a huge likelihood your partner is ( or you could be).

If your partner is ( sorry for all the offence ND people), but is it possible there's a long term drip drip effect of behaviour you deal with that you always excuse,.yet, is actually quite difficult to navigate in the relationship. And then one day you bloody explode. And then believe you are this big unstable problem because you understandably lost it?

Well you are not. To be so concerned by one outburst ( you are absolutely forgiven in my eyes), it tells me you take on responsibility for behaviour more than you should and now you've lost it.

Do not over apologise. I would breathe deeply and one evening, alone, assess what is really ok and not ok within the relationship dynamic.

That fucking chain would be ripped off and lassoed down the driveway tbh. The stress of parenting an ND child is more than enough for you.

I'm not saying he's wanking off, but there are questions regarding the chain. I would need a very clear answer as to why. Was it deliberately to piss you off, what privacy was needed?

You don't stomp around losing it all the time. Remember. You're allowed to blow under too much weight. Especially if you're a people pleaser mopping up everyone else's shit ( I sense you might be ).

This is a wrong on both sides but fixable with apologies on both sides issue. Sounds like you are both under pressure but the relationship has a lot going for it. Distract yourself from the anger as if it's a physical symptom - do something else, think about something else - and it will probably fade. Hope you will all three be okay.

Why would he get up from his interviews after you had left to collect a sick child and chain the door? That's so bizarre. I would want an explanation

But what about your child?

You've hardly mentioned him in all of this except to say...

DS is autistic with high support needs - he’s 8 but intellectually more like a 2/3 year old. He’s non verbal and cannot communicate how he feels. I collected him because he’d been sick at school.

He had a to witness all that and when he's ill too.

He must've felt scared. Is he ok now?

Anger and stress isn't an excuse to abuse. Even for women..

Sorry actually YABU. What floor is the study/room your husband works in when he’s WFH? Ours is 2 floors up from the ground floor and if I was busy working and got a text from my DH that he was coming home early, then there’s no way I’d go all the way downstairs just to check if I’d accidentally locked the door. If he shouted at me for something like that I’d be really really upset.

I hope your son feels better.

I'd be raging too, Op, while it was all going on. Later on though, I'd realise he prob had totally forgotten the chain was on (perhaps on autopilot when closing the door).
My Dh is incredibly absent-minded so I know your anger on this occasion stems from having to deal with it on a regular basis.
It would be one thing if this was totally out of character but another if it's almost par for the course.
You were entitled to want him dead as you drove around in this heat with a sick child while he ignored the buzzing on his phone. Now that it's over, you need to explain to him why it was so frustrating but also learn from this. From now on, sadly, you'll have to say things like, "I'm on my way home, make sure the chain isn't on".

I’d have lost it as well, in those circs, to be honest. Just reading it made me angry!

You should apologise for screaming though, and he should apologise for not listening to you. Because that’s what this is, really. Men not listening. Male selective hearing. Men not thinking of others in the moment when empathy is very much needed.

Forgive yourself, but also, if he’s generally a great dad, forgive him.

Sorry OP I think YABU but probably not massively so.

He stuck the chain on absent mindedly and was engrossed in his work. I don't even keep my phone in the same room when I WFH as it distracts me.

You sat in an air-conditioned car for a bit and no-one died or got seriously hurt. Hardly life changing.

Having said that he'll probably get over you shouting at him without any lasting trauma. It's hot and we're all irritable.

I do think the fact you can't get over your anger is a bit much though. If I lose my temper I tend to calm down fairly quickly. It' was annoying but it's over now, have an ice lolly and move on with your day.