AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

[Kittenwatch]

How often have you really shouted/lost your temper at your partner/spouse?

I’ve been with my DH for over 20 years. We generally have a calm relationship. Neither of us are perfect obviously but we generally divide stuff up fairly well. We’ve probably only had 2/3 serious blow-ups in that time.

They all stem from his shit memory.

Today I screamed at him like I’ve never before. He was in the wrong but people still shouldn’t be shouted at. I was so angry and still am. I’m not sure what’s next.

He’s wfh today. I was called to collect our youngest son from school. I told him and he acknowledged the message - he’s interviewing all day so had limited opportunities to communicate which I get.

I arrived back home to the chain on the door. For no fucking reason. I rang the door, messaged and called him. Nothing (and I can see he didn’t read the messages). I drove around for 30 ish mins with windows down because I couldn’t sit on the drive in the car with sick DS and my neighbour wasn’t home.

After half an hour my neighbour returned home and very kindly yanked up her fence so I could climb under and get in.

So we’re in and he came down after his meeting finished oblivious and I screamed at him that he was stupid and to go away.

He’s upstairs interviewing again. I’m calmer but still angry.

Points to note:

DS is autistic with high support needs - he’s 8 but intellectually more like a 2/3 year old. He’s non verbal and cannot communicate how he feels. I collected him because he’d been sick at school.

I have a mobility issue. Getting under the fence was a significant challenge.

There is zero reason for the chain to be on.

I had messaged him repeatedly and called him too. Even if he couldn’t answer I think that a phone repeatedly buzzing when you know your wife was collecting your sick child warrants at least a glance.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is. I’m angry with him and disappointed in myself for losing my rag.

Really? My DH has locked the door and left the keys in before as if he’s on calls someone could walk in. Drives me mad but I would leap to suggest this

How often? A few times.

But in all honesty and having read your posts I would be furious that he’d left the chain on so you couldn’t get inside with a key during a heatwave. Forgetful or not, interviews or not, I wouldn’t be happy. No one wants to be going under fence panels with limited mobility in this heat either and with a sick child in tow.

Being ditsy/forgetful is a pita.

But in this unprecedented weather, knowing your wife and sick child are out and expected to return surely you don’t go on autopilot and you do double check so you’re not being absent minded and do not put a chain on the door to prevent entry. At least in my world anyway.

I don't understand your certainty. The one thing we do know is that he did lock the door, so your supposition is self-evidently wrong

The thing I think this thread shows is some people ‘get’ absentmindedness and some don’t.

I obviously understand it, and I know he can’t help it to a degree (his absentmindedness has absolutely affected him and his commitments, it’s not just mine or other people’s) but it’s alien to me.

I’m not absentminded. I’m just not. I would not chain the door except for nighttime because ‘we only put the chain on at night’

He hates it, finds it embarrassing, it wasn’t intentional. If it had been on, he heard the door bang, realise like a normal person and rushed to unlock then I’d have rolled my eyes and moved on.

The absentminded chain is a bit irritating. The not looking at his phone even though it was buzzing is what enraged me. As others have said on here it’s his cocooning his way away in work. We have kids, disabled ones at that. You don’t get that luxury and that’s why we do the jobs we do.

Anyway, we’ve talked it through and, as it goes I’m interviewing today but he’s taken the day off to look after our younger son and I’m on site turning into some kind of smoked meat.

Maybe I’m not certain. But I know for sure that in a heatwave with a sick child I’d double think my actions before doing them.

See for me, I’ve known and worked with absent minded people before. Some just can’t help it, some can be trained to be less absent minded. I worked with someone a few years ago who was absent minded and it ended up with some of his work being chucked away despite us having asking/emailing/speaking to him for months on end about what he wanted doing about it. He’d act all absent minded, didn’t know where it was, then found it. Then he was on holiday. Luckily, after this had been picked up by the refuse company and he freaked out in the office, we managed to get to the refuse company (it wasn’t going to archive as usual) and a very understanding man managed to rescue it just in time from being incinerated/crushed. The understanding man said that that afternoon it would’ve been destroyed or whatever they do with it, so we were very lucky and just in time. Lots of phone calls and an urgent visit (me) by cab to the refuse office on a rescue mission. It was surprisingly enough ok too (had been in black bin bags).

From then on this colleague definitely made more of an effort to be less absentminded. At least at work anyway. He’d been known for this for years but everyone usually said “oh that’s just his way”, he was known for it, absent minded and forgetful, and we all let it slide (he was an architect but fairly senior).

So I do get absentmindedness. Hell, I’ve been perimenopausal absentminded but have had to pull myself up sharp on this and put coping mechanisms in place (especially at work, I was a legal EA) or it affected my life more than I wanted it to. I could’ve lost my job over it but didn’t.

Does your world include safeguarding a disabled child ? Because that’s what the chain on the door is for. If he does it multiple times a day then he’s probably done it on autopilot and not thought anything of it. I don’t think from what OP says that he did this with any malicious intent, and I think the fact that he ignored her attempts to contact him is more of a problem.

he’s taken the day off to look after our younger son and I’m on site turning into some kind of smoked meat.

Judging by some of the comments here OP, a lot of posters will be turning into Baloney !!

You need to apologise OP for your reaction. He did something stupid and I see why you are annoyed, furious even..but you behaved badly and that's not ok or a good example for your DS. I'm sure you've done stupid things in your life too. When we realise we've done something dumb it's a horrible feeling without someone shouting abusively about it. Apologise for your manner, he's already apologised for his stupidity and forget about it. It's unlikely to happen again

Well done OP,

Good marriage communication - you both accepted and admitted responsibility for your faults , and made plans / adjustments / resolve for the future to improve things.

Add an ice lolly to the wine gums.

🤣🤣🤣

Goodness. I never thought of apologising.