AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

[Kittenwatch]

How often have you really shouted/lost your temper at your partner/spouse?

I’ve been with my DH for over 20 years. We generally have a calm relationship. Neither of us are perfect obviously but we generally divide stuff up fairly well. We’ve probably only had 2/3 serious blow-ups in that time.

They all stem from his shit memory.

Today I screamed at him like I’ve never before. He was in the wrong but people still shouldn’t be shouted at. I was so angry and still am. I’m not sure what’s next.

He’s wfh today. I was called to collect our youngest son from school. I told him and he acknowledged the message - he’s interviewing all day so had limited opportunities to communicate which I get.

I arrived back home to the chain on the door. For no fucking reason. I rang the door, messaged and called him. Nothing (and I can see he didn’t read the messages). I drove around for 30 ish mins with windows down because I couldn’t sit on the drive in the car with sick DS and my neighbour wasn’t home.

After half an hour my neighbour returned home and very kindly yanked up her fence so I could climb under and get in.

So we’re in and he came down after his meeting finished oblivious and I screamed at him that he was stupid and to go away.

He’s upstairs interviewing again. I’m calmer but still angry.

Points to note:

DS is autistic with high support needs - he’s 8 but intellectually more like a 2/3 year old. He’s non verbal and cannot communicate how he feels. I collected him because he’d been sick at school.

I have a mobility issue. Getting under the fence was a significant challenge.

There is zero reason for the chain to be on.

I had messaged him repeatedly and called him too. Even if he couldn’t answer I think that a phone repeatedly buzzing when you know your wife was collecting your sick child warrants at least a glance.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is. I’m angry with him and disappointed in myself for losing my rag.

But you’re aware that other people have different type of garden and fence? That people might have lockable gates?

Maybe. I've only heard of it on here.

Not one person I know locks their garden gate. But then, no one I know locks their front and back doors when they're actually in the house. This isn't aimed at you, I can understand you need to lock yours.

My doors get locked last thing at night or if we're out (don't go to work now - both early retirers), then opened again first thing in the morning.

It was just the crawling under a fence to get to the back door I couldn't understand.

I assumed this standard type of fence. The panels slit in and can be pushed up.

My DH would totally do the chain thing absentmindedly. He takes other people's sets of keys, he switches off the lights when I'm sitting in the room, he leaves his bank card in the ATM etc.

You were roasting hot, your child was sick, you snapped.

You are human, flawed.

‘Maybe?’

I’m out. Your responses are actually bizarre.

I hope you didn’t scream at him in front of your child!

You are a complete weirdo.

You don’t understand fences and gardens and locks but I’m the weirdo?

Yeah, ok 👌🏾

Your initial response to me, a stranger, was to tell me that you and your husband both wank.

Yes, you a weirdo.

Not every person on this planet has your garden.

The fact that you think we do and that you share your intimate moments with strangers on the internet makes you weird.

Me, not getting a fence you need to CRAWL under to get to your garden, does not a weirdo make.

I'd be furious. It's clear the well-being of you and your dc didn't cross his mind.

It's hard to understand because putting the chain on must have been a deliberate act?

This is the beauty of mumsnet. “ I have never had fence posts like yours.” Next door neighbour is always clambering over the fence, but if her daughter gets locked out we lift it & she crawls underneath.

This is missing the point but I like your fence

That’s actually a pic of a similar fence but it is a nice fence ☺️

No she doesn't. Why lock your wife and sick child out of the house?

I think the well being of his child definitely crossed his mind. If his son is disabled then it’s a safeguarding issue and probably put the chain on on autopilot. As OP says the issue is ignoring her calls and texts telling him what had happened.

Yup !!

So nice that men can just focus on their job and forget all responsibilities isn’t it. I would have been keeping an eye on messages etc because mum’s just have to don’t they

It's always nice to meet another couple like us!

We also have a chain on our door - when our daughter was 2 she learnt how to pick up the keys, find the front door key, put it in the lock and open it. We absentmindedly check it's on or not every time we go past it so fairly frequently we can find it on when the other person is due home. Or just as annoying the door has been locked with the keys still in it.

We have an internal chain with a switch it's fitted at the top of the door if you are in need of ideas for future products.

Gate is also locked and bolted and all doors locked pretty much at all times.

Stop sealioning FFS

Actually, you could meet the threshold for lower end of the spectrum. ASD incorporates ADHD behaviours; the list is not exhaustive. I have autism, as do my 2 younger children. We thought my daughter would be diagnosed with ADHD, but she was diagnosed with ASD.

ASD behaviours encompass a wide and varying picture. Your husband is mindless - A lot like my daughter. You are easily angered without routine. It sounds like you have a very good routine you all stick to and very rarely step outside of. If you lost that routine like you did in this sitiation with a lot of extenuating and exacerbating factors; you become overstimulated and meltdown.

On top of that, it sounds like a culmination of things over a period of time - Constant forgetfulness building up over time, you never shout/relieve stress in any healthy way, it was hot, you have a disability, your son is ASD and ill, you had to climb under a fence, all the while your husband is utterly oblivious.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, but do take some time to yourself to decompress - Shopping day alone, cinema, go read a book in a coffee shop, go see some friends and talk to them, talk to your family. Don't forget us women mask a lot more than men do. We mask until we can no longer mask and then we explode. It's OK to set boundaries and learn to be comfortable in the uncomfortable.

You'll be alright. You need to get through the bad times to get to the good times.

Omg I never knew this was a thing! Thank you - looked it up and realised that’s exactly what they’re doing.

Mind your own!

You’re not unreasonable for shouting, no - I would have done the same. Sounds so stressful! My husband does this all the bloody time and says it’s just habit to out the lock on! Honestly makes me furious!

Because it was an absent minded mistake, done on auto pilot. No malice intended. As has been explained ad infinitum by the very patient OP. Ffs

Disagree entirely. His 'absent mindedness' caused OP and a sick child enormous difficulties. He deserved the shouting.