AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

[Kittenwatch]

How often have you really shouted/lost your temper at your partner/spouse?

I’ve been with my DH for over 20 years. We generally have a calm relationship. Neither of us are perfect obviously but we generally divide stuff up fairly well. We’ve probably only had 2/3 serious blow-ups in that time.

They all stem from his shit memory.

Today I screamed at him like I’ve never before. He was in the wrong but people still shouldn’t be shouted at. I was so angry and still am. I’m not sure what’s next.

He’s wfh today. I was called to collect our youngest son from school. I told him and he acknowledged the message - he’s interviewing all day so had limited opportunities to communicate which I get.

I arrived back home to the chain on the door. For no fucking reason. I rang the door, messaged and called him. Nothing (and I can see he didn’t read the messages). I drove around for 30 ish mins with windows down because I couldn’t sit on the drive in the car with sick DS and my neighbour wasn’t home.

After half an hour my neighbour returned home and very kindly yanked up her fence so I could climb under and get in.

So we’re in and he came down after his meeting finished oblivious and I screamed at him that he was stupid and to go away.

He’s upstairs interviewing again. I’m calmer but still angry.

Points to note:

DS is autistic with high support needs - he’s 8 but intellectually more like a 2/3 year old. He’s non verbal and cannot communicate how he feels. I collected him because he’d been sick at school.

I have a mobility issue. Getting under the fence was a significant challenge.

There is zero reason for the chain to be on.

I had messaged him repeatedly and called him too. Even if he couldn’t answer I think that a phone repeatedly buzzing when you know your wife was collecting your sick child warrants at least a glance.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is. I’m angry with him and disappointed in myself for losing my rag.

Have a cold shower and a cup of tea. Apologise and move on. Very frustrating situation, you lost your rag. It happens. Not unusual. Not abusive. Be kind to yourself, your dc and your husband. Forgive yourself. Your husband will.

I don’t think he did - I suspect he did it absentmindedly after seeing youngest off in his taxi and went up to work as normal. He’s not been out today.

Presumably he put the chain on at some unspecified earlier point, and when she told him she was coming home early with DS it didn't occur to him to take it off. Then he ignored her repeated calls and texts because he was interviewing, despite knowing she and DS were due home, and the expected time of their arrival having long passed.
Obviously you shouldn't be checking your phone when interviewing but in a child related emergency that is different. He didnt think about her or the DS at all. If I knew my DH and sick child were due home at 3 and it was 4 and they weren't home and my phone was buzzing off the hook I would be panicking that something had happened, and would be checking my phone regardless. He didn't even think about them, which is why she's so angry

I click the latch on my door every time I pass. It's habit. It means nobody can open it with a key and have to knock/ring..

Husband locked me out once. I kicked the door in. I would have done the same in your shoes as well

Can you stop please. You're way off the mark.

So, he actively put the chain on the door after you had left to collect your son?
Interviewing? My arse!

Does your phone buzz on silent

What a prick. I would be furious too in this heat. What was he thinking!!!

You wouldn't? You'd just take the chance that they would be locked out to save yourself walking down two flights of stairs?

We have similar set up, high needs autistic flight risk and key chain and I quite often put it on as reflex even when home alone. Sorry to hear your son is sick, hope he feels better soon. I probably would have reacted the same and then felt bad after. He sounds like a good husband can you just agree to move on and him be more mindful in future

Were you in the house when school called? Ie did you leave and he put the chain on? Or were you out already, he’d put the chain on earlier, and he forgot about it after you got in touch to say you were picking up DS? The former would anger me - why put it on? The latter is just an accident - yes a really annoying one, but people forget things all the time, and if DH screamed at me over it, I’d be really really
upset and think he was massively out of order. (Even the former I don’t think you should have screamed but I’d want to know why he deliberately chained the door after you left - I assume this isn’t what happened because I guess you’d have said, because it’s really mean)

ETA - I’ve just seen that he put it on earlier, not right after you left. So yeah I think you’re unreasonable to have screamed at him.

Yes
I have always had a buzzer on my phone on silent mode whether via the phone or my Fitbit because I am a parent and need to be contactable in an emergency.

Nobody is rational in 37 'feels like 40' heat with a sick autistic child and a mobility issue whilst being locked out of their own home to boil.

OP sounds like torture and I'm glad neither of you got heatstroke.

ThisFairPlayer
you are totally bonkers. Wind it in

Sorry but you’re hysterical.

Hitting him in no time? Talk about hyperbole. A 20 year relationship with 3 big arguments and I’m abusive? People do lose their temper at times without it descending into abuse of any kind.

I would have been absolutely furious, especially as there was no reason at all for him putting the chain on. He sounds clueless.
And should apologise abjectly.

No i am really not. I know that for some people, youve been taught that because you sre female, you're allowed to retaliate when provoked or annoyed in any way you want but that isnt healthy or normal. There is never a time when you screaming at your partner is acceptable. It doesnt matter what your mum told you when you were 7.

I think it’s one of those things. It’s hot. It sounds stressful all around.
It sounds like he’s done it inadvertently not maliciously. Interviewing all day on teams is full on and mentally all consuming (I’ve done it and swore never again to do so many back to back) He’s apologised. He may not have even had his mobile phone in room with him.
We all make mistakes and do silly things sometimes.
I’ve been with DH 30 years and can count on one hand times we have blown up at each other. It does shake you as it’s very much not the norm.

YABU - if my DH ever carried on like this I’d be rethinking the relationship.

Does nobody understand how heat affects the body? Really high heat can ramp up stress chemicals very high amd the body would be in true fight or flight mode so yea sure, she had regulatory issues in that moment, because of the extreme heat and threat to her/her sons safety for not being able to cool their bodies down if they couldnt get inside.

This is the real world where people lose their tempers.

@NameChangeScot sorry if unclear, I was at work so left work to collect my son, not the house.

If it was the latter then that would definitely have been deliberate.

Probably both