AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

[Kittenwatch]

How often have you really shouted/lost your temper at your partner/spouse?

I’ve been with my DH for over 20 years. We generally have a calm relationship. Neither of us are perfect obviously but we generally divide stuff up fairly well. We’ve probably only had 2/3 serious blow-ups in that time.

They all stem from his shit memory.

Today I screamed at him like I’ve never before. He was in the wrong but people still shouldn’t be shouted at. I was so angry and still am. I’m not sure what’s next.

He’s wfh today. I was called to collect our youngest son from school. I told him and he acknowledged the message - he’s interviewing all day so had limited opportunities to communicate which I get.

I arrived back home to the chain on the door. For no fucking reason. I rang the door, messaged and called him. Nothing (and I can see he didn’t read the messages). I drove around for 30 ish mins with windows down because I couldn’t sit on the drive in the car with sick DS and my neighbour wasn’t home.

After half an hour my neighbour returned home and very kindly yanked up her fence so I could climb under and get in.

So we’re in and he came down after his meeting finished oblivious and I screamed at him that he was stupid and to go away.

He’s upstairs interviewing again. I’m calmer but still angry.

Points to note:

DS is autistic with high support needs - he’s 8 but intellectually more like a 2/3 year old. He’s non verbal and cannot communicate how he feels. I collected him because he’d been sick at school.

I have a mobility issue. Getting under the fence was a significant challenge.

There is zero reason for the chain to be on.

I had messaged him repeatedly and called him too. Even if he couldn’t answer I think that a phone repeatedly buzzing when you know your wife was collecting your sick child warrants at least a glance.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is. I’m angry with him and disappointed in myself for losing my rag.

Plus, it is exceptionally hot and not everyone is managing well in the heat.

Feels like we are feeding a troll. OP - you’re ok. You’re not an abuser. You blew your stack after a frustrating and upsetting incident. It happens. Most people do it in some shape or form. That’s like. It’s over now. Don’t dwell on it.

Just to be clear - there is zero malice and he was not wanking. If I thought he was capable of doing that on purpose then I wouldn’t want to be with him.

Your reaction is very understandable. I'd be furious. Take the chain off the door so he can't do it again.

Wtf…he didn’t leave her outside to masturbate…what bizarre comment to make.

This.

Rather than engaging with the man trolling the thread by pretending to be a woman (“fair player,” yeah right) just report him so that the mods can ban that account. He has posted so much misogynistic nonsense that there’s really no point in even responding.

How do you know ? He's not likely to tell you is he and most blokes will do it sometimes when their wives / gf aren't around even if they deny it. It's not a dirty little secret but a lot of women would say "He doesn't do that."

The crazies are out today so you may get some wild responses.

I’ve shouted at mine before, there would have been a reason/trigger, but I’ve apologised immediately afterwards. Ultimately you know it was an accident, even if he was idiotic, and he knows that you aren’t normally screaming at him. I think you can both apologise and move on like nothing happened, because really it didn’t.

but tell him he needs to be less of a divvy 😂

Frankly, what you are doing now, keeping on and on at OP about her mental health, is abusive. She's not saying what she did was right, she's a human being who was under great stress with a sick child. If you never lose your cool, I think that's arguably quite concerning.

But then her autistic child functioning at age 2 or 3 yr old level can get out. Yes it was silly thing to do to accidentally put chain on but no one was harmed. Better that than her child getting out and killed on road.

Fgs - I know he wanks - who would care about that? I don’t even care if he has a wank in the day.

I’ve been with him 20 plus years. He’s got plenty of faults as do I but he would not put the chain on the door to do it. He’d have plenty of time to sort himself out if he was interrupted given how we have to enter the house.

This was his absentmindedness which I find thoroughly infuriating, but it’s not deliberate.

This really is a strange avenue and probably demonstrative of the low bar we set for men.

I think have a cold shower, get a cold glass of wine and forget about it. There’s nothing to be gained here m.

The number one priority is some sort of break or respite for you.

Underneath all of this - that's the need. A huge need for you.

I hope you have family/ support whereby you can get a day off from parenting? A night off sometimes? A chance to go away somewhere? To go to the sea alone and swim?

This is what the need is underlying all this.

Your health is a big priority in this. If it has any link to autoimmunity you have to prioritise managing what you take on. ( I know that's easier said than done ) And don't underestimate how important this is above every other person in this dynamic.

Doing everything to support your health physically and emotionally is good for your children. I say that so you don't feel guilt about wanting some time out of all the responsibility you have to carry here.

If we are interviewing we are in full on professional mode and wouldn’t have personal mobile in room. Noise cancelling headset on. Last thing you need is a candidate complaining to HR you seemed distracted or didn’t follow correct procedures.
If it was a one off incident when he was stressed and mind elsewhere it’s understandable. He’s apologised.
Yes infuriating but ultimately no harm came to anyone.
Hope you have a relaxing evening.

What on earth? OP under-reacted if anything. I’d have gone absolutely batshit crazy at him. It was so utterly thoughtless of him, and he caused his wife and child to suffer. YANBU OP.

Totally disagree.
He went out of his way to keep you and your disabled son locked out of the house on the hottest day of the year, when your son had been sick no less. He knew what was happening and forced you into a position of burrowing under a fucking fence to get you and your son inside.
He wins the arsehole award, not you OP!!

Zero malice but zero recognition that once you have kids you cannot be oblivious. Does he share the mental load?

Some men say they are impotent, by the way, because they are addicted to pornography and prefer wanking to sex.

Agree it’s a sign you are at end of tether reacting as you did. Not sure if you have any options for respite or could begin to explore that. You need to look after yourself.

How many times has he screamed at you because of a mistake you made over the years?

Get a locking chain my mom had one on her door it means the person inside has the benefits of a chain and the person (with a key) coming in can unlock it and still get in

(My dad was a night shift worker so mom wanted security but didn't want to get up at 6am to let her husband in)

What a relief you didn't bump into his mistress sneaking out the back door after you climbed under the fence!

I'm just being MNetty OP.

It's just one of those things. It's hot an we are all feeling a bit absent minded (him) and irritable (you). It would have been awful in this heat with a sick dc (and poor him too). Hope you are both inside and cooling down. What a day for a vomiting bug.

Many posters on this thread never lose their cool. They've certainly never had a row over something stupid and...shouted. God forbid.

No, we are among the mature and regulated. Their husbands never miss the mark and they never row.
Thankfully we can all learn from their very realistic opinions.

FFS OP is holding herself responsible. She is disabled herself and stuck outside in dangerously hot weather with her poorly child who is autistic and non-verbal who is ill enough for the school to ring OP to pick him up. That's a frightening situation for her child and she lost her temper. She knows that it was wrong. It's absolutely nothing like the behaviour of some of the abusive men that women post about on here.