AIBU for shouting after being locked out with my sick child?

[Kittenwatch]

How often have you really shouted/lost your temper at your partner/spouse?

I’ve been with my DH for over 20 years. We generally have a calm relationship. Neither of us are perfect obviously but we generally divide stuff up fairly well. We’ve probably only had 2/3 serious blow-ups in that time.

They all stem from his shit memory.

Today I screamed at him like I’ve never before. He was in the wrong but people still shouldn’t be shouted at. I was so angry and still am. I’m not sure what’s next.

He’s wfh today. I was called to collect our youngest son from school. I told him and he acknowledged the message - he’s interviewing all day so had limited opportunities to communicate which I get.

I arrived back home to the chain on the door. For no fucking reason. I rang the door, messaged and called him. Nothing (and I can see he didn’t read the messages). I drove around for 30 ish mins with windows down because I couldn’t sit on the drive in the car with sick DS and my neighbour wasn’t home.

After half an hour my neighbour returned home and very kindly yanked up her fence so I could climb under and get in.

So we’re in and he came down after his meeting finished oblivious and I screamed at him that he was stupid and to go away.

He’s upstairs interviewing again. I’m calmer but still angry.

Points to note:

DS is autistic with high support needs - he’s 8 but intellectually more like a 2/3 year old. He’s non verbal and cannot communicate how he feels. I collected him because he’d been sick at school.

I have a mobility issue. Getting under the fence was a significant challenge.

There is zero reason for the chain to be on.

I had messaged him repeatedly and called him too. Even if he couldn’t answer I think that a phone repeatedly buzzing when you know your wife was collecting your sick child warrants at least a glance.

I don’t even know what my AIBU is. I’m angry with him and disappointed in myself for losing my rag.

Shouting at a partner in anger when they have done something to legitimately make you angry isn't domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour intended to exert control over a partner. Sporadic angry shouting doesn't meet this definition. It's not ok, but it's not abuse.

I think if people could realise that people do need to be allowed to express their emotions including the bad ones. And that isn’t going to be saying “oh gosh that was hard” - that’s not emotion

and that there is a world of difference between shouting which isn’t actually harmful and physical abuse

yes if you are always being shouted at , that could well be abusive and is certainly a reason to walk away.

but bottling emotions is harmful too. And we need to understand better when real harm is done to us. Getting a bolllocing for being stupid isn’t having real harm done to you. You should feel absolutely crap that you made someone that hurt and cross

What the heck with the shouting and screaming? You made a thing about your son being autistic, then you shout and scream in front of him
It wasn't a big deal, I would hate to think what would happen if something big did happen. Pull yourself together and stop being a bullying idiot.

In the real world, adults are expected to emotional regulate and not slip into abusive behaviours. Even us female humans. We have brains big enough to do that.

This could easily happen in my house too!! DH has ADHD and doesn’t bloody think! The amount of times I’ve been out and come home to find he’s locked the front door and left the keys in the lock on the inside so I can’t get in …. I really shouted at him one night when I had to break down the garden gate and hammer on our bedroom French doors …. So bloody cross at the stupidity and lack of thinking

This is appalling.

Are you a man?

The lady has an ND son. I'm betting husband also ND after reading through OPs description. Highly heritable so statistically, it's exceptionally likely.

OP refers to her own mobility issues.

The incidence of health problems, including autoimmunity is significantly enhanced in women parenting ND children, never mind supporting a husband also with his ND needs.

Women raising ND children often report PTSD related physical symptoms from ongoing stress and raised cortisol levels ( also hence the autoimmune disease risk).

Under the weight of expectations upon women, this scenario is not akin to Mr Meathead husband shouting at his wife because his Stella wasn't chilled in advance of 5pm.

Pathologising women with mental illness due to appropriate, proportionate responses, is a big problem. And you're doing this to her.

She acknowledges a slip in typical responses. She is self aware enough to accept responsibility ( too much in my opinion).

Women are allowed to lose it under the imbalanced circumstance they are too often dumped into.

DH and I have been married 15 years, think we have had probably 3 or 4 big shouty arguments in that time. Is it ideal? No. Do we all lose our rag at times? Yes. It's not bloody abusive for god's sake. The OP had a seriously stressful afternoon. To suggest she's going to start being physically abusive after this is just nuts.

What does whatever your mum told you when you were 7 even mean?

Look up what heat exhaustion can do to stress hormones, they can temporarily go through the roof, also factoring in fear her son would get even sicker. Thats why she shouted so much. I 100% doubt she is like this normally.

No, i dont know who has told you this but it isnt ok. It's you showing poor behaviour every time you do it. If someone regualrly makes you angry, distance yourself from them.

But he'd have to have put the chain on after she left ot get ds, I don't understand why he'd do that. It takes what 30mins to collect a child from school (depending how far away school is) why would he need to put the chain on in that time. Not the point of the thread I know, I'm just trying to understand the sequence of events. If you do trust him op it seems he's made a stupid mistake and will feel shitty about it, hopefully won't happened again and you can both apologise and move on.

It's not regular though?

If you can’t tell the difference between natural strong emotions released in a safe way and abuse I suggest you read and learn

Its no excuse. It isnt an excuse for an abusive man and isn't an excuse for an abusive woman. Sun, rain, sleep, whatever.

A lot of girls were told that they can retaliate this way as children and therefore grown women like the OP think that as long as they have a reason, they can scream and shout at people.

It's not 'who told me' it's literally the definition of domestic abuse as per all accepted research and practice knowledge. Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour. If it's not a pattern, it's not domestic abuse. Of course abuse always has a starting point at which point it isn't yet a pattern but if this is the third time in a 20 year relationship it's NOT a pattern of abuse.

Screaming and shouting isnt safe. I dont want to learn from other women how to be abusive in my home, thank you.

He will forgive you for shouting because he knows he was a total idiot.

Go easy on yourself, OP. To put it mildly, you were in an incredibly annoying situation. That would have been far too much for anyone. Most reasonable people would have reacted in much the same way.

@ThisFairPlayer very well said.

No, she was at work. He was at home. He put the chain on much earlier in the day when everyone left and forgot he did it.

Now that’s taken to the extreme — there are indeed times when people are justified in an extreme retaliation. If someone has caused a bad accident or severe outcome due to their stupidity, selfishness or criminal behavior then they may well deserve whatever retaliation the injured party feels is appropriate.
I wouldn’t be so quick to judge.

Yanbu.
A sick child and a child for a husband.

You don't get the luxury of switching off like he does.

My sole concern is for you.
It is so bad for your health that his stupidity causes you so much stress.

We don't fight here.
But there have been a couple of times where I have been apoplectic in 33 years.

Each time it was him doing something really fxxking stupid and thoughtless that involved our children.

To this day I absolutely believe I was right to be furious.

20 years ago he left a window open that our child could have fallen out of, despite me repeatedly telling him not to ever leave it open.
He did.
I told him if anything happened to my children because of his stupidity and selflessness, I would do him harm.

He sourced a heavy safety chain to prevent the window opening far, like i had asked.
The window company wouldn't do it for fire reasons.

Anyway OP, sending you strength and sympathy.

Have a nice cool shower and a cold drink if you can and try and decompress.

The OP screaming and shouting at him in a way she would not tolerate herself is abusive. Stop minimising abusive behaviour.

Oh that’s completely different then! I thought it read that he’d locked it after you’d gone to pick your son up.
Hey, it’s hot, I imagine you were stressed and worried about your son and then frustrated that you couldn’t get in. It’s called the real world not MN holier than thou women’s world. People lose their shit sometimes.
Apologise, explain how you were feeling and hopefully move on.

I specified self defence earlier. There is no other reason. Even if you are really, really cross.

Thank you and all of the other people on here who have been helpful and supportive.

I do not believe it was ok for shout the way I did - I’ve been very clear. But to characterise me as abusive feels unbelievable.

@Laughorbloodycry your post has made me very tearful. I have two autistic boys (older DS has different needs), I work nearly full time, and this was a last straw today. I feel like I’ve been on high alert for 13 years and I’m exhausted.

I’d have been absolutely fuming too! It’s just pure thoughtlessness on his part.