To think the daily routine is impossible. Disgusting house

[ComeOnNowww]

I want help! People's tips. I don't understand how people manage. I live in a fairly large old house.

This is my weekday routine

7am wake
7.30 - 8.30 getting kids ready for school (primary)
8.30 - 9.30 rush to office or back home to wfh.
9.30 - 5 work my arse off. Back to back meetings
5.30 pick up kids from after school
6 - 7 dinner
7 - 8 bath, bed
8 - 9 constantly put kids back to bed. Feel like tearing my hair out
9 - 9.30 basic tidy, dishwasher, check uniforms
9.30 - 10.30 try to do bits but in all honesty drink a wine and watch telly

My house is disgusting. I mean real mess. - my bathrooms are gross, dust everywhere. Im sprinting to stay still. Just about keep the show on the road but dusting, hoovering, proper cleans so hard to do

At the weekend, i do what i can. But all boys - primary school - and theyre so hyper. If I dont take them out they're out of control

What are other women doing? I dont know how womens homes look normal when they have young kids and work FT. My house is bad enough so id be embarrassed to let somone pop round. No parents. Husband MIA.

Practical tips? I feel like im missing something.

I think even just one deep clean will help you reset. Take an annual leave day and hire 2 people in for 4 hours. The three of you will smash it out and it will be back to a manageable level.

Get your boys on board. Do you want to raise boys who are equally as useless as your husband?

Tell your useless lump of a husband he is an embarrassment and to GTFO.

My house is shit too, OP, like really shit. I keep the kitchen clean most days (well, I reset it daily, it doesn't stay clean all day) but the bathrooms are proper dirty in between cleans. I found some really impressive black mould around my bath this week when I finally made myself clean it, it'd been that long.

I don't like it, but I don't feel as bad about it as you. It doesn't make me feel I'm a shit mum because I know I'm not. The times I feel like shit is if I've snapped at them because I'm in a bad mood about something else, or if I tell them I don't want to play because I'm going to scroll or clean instead.
I truthfully think you're getting it right when faced with a hard choice. But you don't? Do you know what's different? Was your childhood home proper clean and tidy? Mine wasn't- it was surface clean but lots of clutter. Perhaps that why it doesn't bother me as much.

I just wonder if you might be able to reframe your thinking rather than reboot your routine.

Cut yourself some slack to start and pick your battles. Sounds like it's tough going at the mo. The more you feel down about it, the more overwhelming it is. You're doing OK! You've a husband adding massively to the stress (and mess I presume) and actually, it's not easy cracking on with cleaning when you have an unwanted house guest making you feel at odds hanging around. It may be easier once he's gone.

Then, strict mum time with bedtimes. No messing or they lose out on treats. Once in bed, stay in bed, that's the rule or.. no TV tomorrow or whatever their choice of thing is. Keep going and it will become the norm. I am one of 4 kids and that was a very strict rule in our house. Only thing allowed in the bedroom was reading at bedtime, but still not allowed to get up!

Then, write yourself a bite sized list in order of things that you want to do first. Need to deep clean a bathroom? That's a job for a couple of nights and still allow a glass of vino. Children's rooms a tip? Get them to help out, get them to help out over the whole house too, be better for the future too. My partner is a lazy bugger with housework, I put on an LP loud, tell him it's time for a 'bleach party' and I make him help clean up, you could do something like this with the kids, make it more fun.

And... it's ok to live in a lived in house, accept that with young children, busy job, doing 100% of everything that it's never going to be a showroom. Trick is to get it to a level where you feel comfortable, not overwhelmed with. Good luck!

What would happen if you just dropped them (literally) on him and left the house?

Tbf, mine wouldn't sit and watch TV for 4 hours whilst I cleaned, and they wake earlier in a weekend than a school day cos, kids! 10 minutes every hour is far less likely to result in the kids causing more mess as she cleans another Room.

I think let the boys go to bed a bit later and focus on just trying to keep bathroom clean
if your husband wasn’t around you’d probably have a lot more energy!

if there is any way you can get him to do anything at all with the boys that would probably help the most

or sell the jewellery get a cleaner and be able to enjoy your free time a bit more!!

Pay for a cleaner
Give the dc a box each for their belongings when you need them put away or moved upstairs.
Do things like give the shower a good scrub while you have conditioner on your hair.
Break it down into smaller tasks such as Monday I hoover the lounge and dust , Tuesday I wash the kitchen floor etc.
whizz round with the hoover at least one evening a week

My practical tips involve child labour

1. get the kids to tidy their toys/room
2. get the kids involved in household chores - be it a little one having a dust, a bigger one emptying the bins, another one loading the dishwasher. To be done whilst you are cooking or right after and before bed.
3. set youself up mini tasks, so first glass of wine load/empty the dishwasher, 2nd wipes the sides down/mop up etc.
4. have a 2hr cleaning window first thing on a sat morning, whole house involved doing whatever their tasks are

introduce incentives

so for the kids, daily chores either are a small amount of pocket money to build up (like 20p a task) or points for a reward. Say the reward might be choosing where to go on the days out etc.
sat morning tasks have to be done or they don’t get to go out, this has to work or it backfires on you (sorry)

finally I would also incentivise them to stop the getting out of bed to buy yourself some more time to relax. Maybe get them to collectively save towards what they see as a higher value outing but they need to behave/do the chores to earn it.

MIA hubby

sounds like he needs adding to the kids daily chore list but I’d maybe be a bit more hardcore and tell him to step up or pay for/contribute towards a cleaner. I’d task him with chores to start. He could even take the kids out alone on a sat afternoon to give you a break

you sound frazzled non-stop every day but it doesn’t all rest on you.

Seen MIA husband update now. Hopefully he will have the kids for a reasonable amount of time when you split so you can try and catch your tail. He sounds depressed at best or just a useless lump at worst just lying on the sofa

I dont know if others have said but could/do children have school dinners? Then they have sandwiches for tea? You could already have made that, cheese on toast something easy that doesnt take you an hour to make and eat. The extra time could be spent bouncing on a trampoline doing running in the garden for the children and you could be cleaning kitchen. It might stop the back and forth to bed a bit? Or , could they have bathtine every other night? That gives another hour freed up while they can have an activity to do whilst youre cleaning whatever room they're in?
I get having to dress them for school. Is it stressy or could you just have their clothes ready and chucked on them. Then give them a star chart for: putting bowls in sink/dishwasher clothes in washbasket and bathing themselves. No big deal if they dont but huge praise and a treat for accomplishing?
Lastly does it take you a long time to sleep because worrying about house, hatred for lazy arse h or something else? If its house then possibly getting up earlier in the morning would deal with tidying and your lack of sleep?
Really feel for you. Our house is a shithole too!

It’s the husband OP trust me. One mine went a lot of the dust and mess just went with him.

Also having extra second hand uniform so you have plenty before it needs washing, ready meals every now and then

For the moment, start small.
Take 15 minutes out of your hour of free time (or get up 15 mins earlier) and use that time to do a small job.
Bleach all the loos and wipe down sinks or pick one location like the hall for example and tidy the shoes, hang coats, dust, Hoover & mop if time allows.
Write a list of all the jobs you want done and really break it down into small jobs.
If you complete one little job a day, like cleaning one press, or wiping down some shelves, whatever it is, soon you will be on top of things.
You are at a busy stage of life working full time & with 2 little boys, don’t beat yourself up.

Also sending hugs for the layabout husband. Must be a horrible living situation atm. Hugs 🫂

The kids might be willing to go to bed earlier if you successfully got them up earlier, but honestly it sounds like your routine is working for you all except for the incessant backing and forthing in the evening.

It sounds like they want your attention--and that's normal and OK for kids. What if instead of trying to get them into bed early, you spent time with them cleaning something? "Tonight, we're going to make the shower nice, Timmy, you're little so you can do the bottom, Jeff, you're middle sized so you do the middle, and I'll do the top. Here, let me show you how to do it. Oh thank you, it's so nice to have a clean shower, and look what we achieved! It takes all of us to keep our house nice". This meets their need to be with you, and helps you get some of the work done.

Please don't think you're a bad mum. From your posts, it's really clear that you love your kids and prioritise them.

Perhaps a solution is to focus on getting them a bit more independent. A reward chart for dressing themselves, going to bed nicely, and other little bits might work?

And if it's any consolation, I'm a SAHM of 1 (20 months) and I feel like our flat is a state too. Kids are little crumb and debris machines. Doesn't help that I hate cleaning.

OP you are doing well and you're in a tough spot.

My tips would be:

1. Clean the bathroom while the kids are in the bath
2. Try to foster some independence. Start with one thing and work on that for a month. I suggest getting dressed. Put on some music (that they like and that is upbeat) and see if they can get dressed before the end of one song.
3. You do need to rest in the evenings. But can you take 10 minutes away from that hour on the couch each night. Anything is better than nothing.
4. On the weekend go out with the kids to the park as much as possible. Try to wear them out.

Exact same here. I actually feel like I need to take a few days off work whilst the dc are at school/childcare to sort it. The weekends are gone in a flash and unless I spend the whole weekend at housework and organising for the week ahead it doesn't get done. This is obviously unfair on the dc so only really happens if it rains. People say to get a cleaner but they can only do the bits I can keep on top of. It's clothes & clutter is the issue. I'm not going to keep the dishwasher /washing machine loaded/bathroom unclean until a cleaner comes because there would be a massive build up.

1. Get a cleaner or reduce your hours at work if either are financially viable
2. Let your standards drop a bit - as long as it’s not a hoarded house and rubbish is taken out regularly, dishes washed, a vacuum every now and then, don’t worry about dusting!
3. Get the children involved in tidying up and cleaning - every little helps. Kids this age can learn to manage their own laundry etc if taught patiently. Announce a 5 minute pick up for everyone whenever you think of it (idea from Dana K White A slob comes clean she is so great).
4. Skip bathtime every other day or so unless they are very smelly after PE or a super hot day.
5. Star charts etc. for going to bed and staying there! But some of the being up and down might be them sensing the marital tension and they may need more reassurance at bedtime than usual unfortunately.
6. Do not give up your hour of downtime (I wouldn’t get up any earlier either, up at 7 and juggling full time work, childcare and household work while under marital stress is not exactly lazy let’s face it! But some people are morning people or need less hours of sleep so if you can make it work for you by all means do. I am not one of those people!
7. Look at the Sweepy app - it allows you to do short tasks when you’re tired or don’t have much time or spend a bit longer when you have the chance and keep track of where your priorities are for cleaning.
8. Agree with tiring the kids out at the park or similar physical activity after school if possible and definitely at the weekend.
9. Get rid of husband if he really adds nothing of value at all and doesn’t care that you are run ragged.

PS don’t be so hard on yourself. Your house sounds cleaner than many families honestly! Certainly not “disgusting”.

No judgement at all from me but in case helpful, I'd say (loosely) following 'The Organised Mum Method' is the only thing I've stuck to.

You clean one room/set of rooms per weekday for a max of half an hour per day, so

Monday - living room
Tuesday - bedrooms
Wednesday- hall, stairs, landing
Thursday- kitchen
Friday - rotate one off jobs such as cleaning oven (although I never do this!) or doing a specific de-clutter (or in my case I do conservatory)

My basic clean in the majority of the above areas is hoover floor, dust surfaces and clean inside of windows and any mirrors. It takes a max of 20 mins to do this in my living room...if that. If you have the will then do one extra thing on rotation on that day (e.g. on living room day hoover a hidden bit of the room such as under sofa cushions or go through a pile of clutter for another 5 mins).

You also do one item in your bathroom per day. So you could wipe down toilet while your boys are in the bath, for example.

Idea is you only do this in the week and have weekends free...but in your case if that doesn't quite work you could obviously mix it up a bit...e.g. clean your bathroom in one go on a Sunday instead or whatever.

I know I'm adding in half an hour to your day that you don't have...all I can say is it is what works best for me...you'll always have one room that feels clean and it feels more manageable somehow. I don't think you should cut into your 1 hour time before bed if at all possible, though.

If your children are well, it shouldn’t be taking an hour to return them back to their beds.

Once you feel they have had everything they need, bedtime should mean exactly that . This putting them repeatedly back to their beds has to be exhausting after a very busy day.

As for your H lying on the couch whilst you are dealing with it all, words simply fail me! Does he not realise he’s half of the parenting team? If you do decide to split, you wouldn’t have his lazy backside to fume about.

Get a cleaner. Its worth the sacrifice, I’d rather never eat out again

You need to get up earlier OP. I just did a bit of gardening now it is light enough! All gardens should have a wild area, it is good practice. I have a gardener an hour a week just to keep up with the lawn mowing.

You aren't missing anything. We aren't meant to live like this. We are biologically wired to need down time.

You are not meant to be able to keep house like a SAHM while working full time. It's not your fault.

Also, I don’t believe in pocket money for chores. We do fun stuff together as a family - we have to do the boring stuff together too.

If they don’t feel like tidying we play “toy or rubbish” and that gets them up real quick.