To think the daily routine is impossible. Disgusting house

[ComeOnNowww]

I want help! People's tips. I don't understand how people manage. I live in a fairly large old house.

This is my weekday routine

7am wake
7.30 - 8.30 getting kids ready for school (primary)
8.30 - 9.30 rush to office or back home to wfh.
9.30 - 5 work my arse off. Back to back meetings
5.30 pick up kids from after school
6 - 7 dinner
7 - 8 bath, bed
8 - 9 constantly put kids back to bed. Feel like tearing my hair out
9 - 9.30 basic tidy, dishwasher, check uniforms
9.30 - 10.30 try to do bits but in all honesty drink a wine and watch telly

My house is disgusting. I mean real mess. - my bathrooms are gross, dust everywhere. Im sprinting to stay still. Just about keep the show on the road but dusting, hoovering, proper cleans so hard to do

At the weekend, i do what i can. But all boys - primary school - and theyre so hyper. If I dont take them out they're out of control

What are other women doing? I dont know how womens homes look normal when they have young kids and work FT. My house is bad enough so id be embarrassed to let somone pop round. No parents. Husband MIA.

Practical tips? I feel like im missing something.

You are right to prioritise sleep and downtime.
Do you have a tablet with FaceTime or WhatsApp? You can prop it up in the bathroom during bath time and video call your kids on your phone while you clean up the kitchen. You can chat to then and keep an eye on then. It will save you half an hour.
If you can get the kitchen cleaned and the odd load of washing done during the week on top of effectively single parenting and full time work you are doing very well! Other tasks can be done on the weekend while the kids have an hour or two of cartoons.
Remember, the only people who will see your house are friends and family, who ought to love and support you despite a bit of mess.
All the best for getting rid of Mr Useless.

Agree on starting early, I’m on my own in the mornings as my husband leaves at 5.45am. I get up then, half the time my 5 year old gets up at the same time. Both kids up breakfast dressed and in school uniforms and out the door by 7.40. In that time I’ve also done at least two things, wipe down bathrooms, vacuum etc. sure il drop dead some mornings but it gets done

Just came on to be absolutely amazed and awestruck at this. I wish I could be this organised. I have to nag my 4 and 6 year olds 1 million times exactly to get dressed and unless I hover over them to make sure they're doing it, they dick about dancing around in their knickers to k pop demon hunters for half an hour and make me late for work 😂

Sorry op, I've only skimmed through but your load sounds heavy. I have 3 kids but have a husband who pulls his weight. I get up at 6 though, to have a peaceful tea and to get the kitchen straight and get lunches made before the kids wake up.

I gave up wine a year and a half ago and everything is easier without it! I miss it but feel far better for it. Loads more energy.

Check your iron levels too. Just in case.

My younger kids arent very independent but am working in it.

Definitely agree with getting rid of the clutter/stuff!

Good luck.

When my DH works away my kids often just bath twice a week, and they are perfectly clean with a hands and face wash. The exception being if there are any wee accidents which are rare these days.

Never be too embarrassed to get a cleaner. I’m sure they’ve seen it all.

Kids making their lunch boxes….. Don’t worry about how they do it but praise them for their efforts. And allow them some choice so they engage with the process.

I find if the bathroom is clean and the kitchen is tidy, the rest of the house looks less of a tip….. even if it is…

Great that you are planning to call divorce lawyers but make sure you have a list of questions. Ask AI for assistance.

You are clearly on a roll!! Michael Moseley’s Fast 800 is great for weight loss and I like Growingannanas and Heather Robertson (on YouTube) for exercise.

Well done. You should be very proud of yourself and the boys.
Once the lazy lump moves out you’ll feel much better, things will improve. It’s very difficult when you’re carrying around a dark cloud of misery. He should be ashamed of himself.
Do not feel embarrassed at all hiring a cleaner. Those who deep clean as a job love it, they’re naturals.
They’ll have seen worse.

@ComeOnNowww you have a lot going on but well done for making a start today. Aim for progress and not perfection. It sounds like you are doing it all on your own so a divorce isn’t going to impact your day to day.
maybe as a one off , you could get some help in to just help you get on top of things? Then it’s easier to maintain? Do you have any helpful relatives nearby that could give you a hand? Well done for laying off the wine, your future self will thank you for it. If you are looking to lose weight switching wine to herbal tea is a good start already!

Nonsense. Kids (and adults) only need a shower /bath every couple of days. If sweaty, muddy, dirty then more often ,otherwise every other is fine. Ditto with changes of clothes.

You have 3 separate issues

1. The husband, but sounds like you have that in hand
2. The current state of the house
3. Maintaining the state of the house

For 1, 2 adults in a house but only one doing the heavy lifting makes it harder to keep on top of things. My partner is currently doing it all. I have bad fatigue, pnd and a baby at the moment. It's hard to keep on top of things. There have been other times when my partner has stepped away from the household for reasons and it's been hard on me. In a healthy relationship you do this for one another.
The other thing factor that is not to underestimate and that is the emotional and mental drain of an unsupportive partner and you might find once you are on your own you have more energy and time for life as well as getting more small bits of time through the day to get your peace freeing up time later in the day for keeping on top of things.

1. A house that feels on top of you is harder to keep clean and tidy. It's harder to be motivated to go back and start. Once things are in a good state of clean and order - everything with its place it makes a difference.

1. Once you have routine it's easier to assign particular jobs to different days. Be wary of comparing people that only are in this position and without issues and 1 and 2.

I met a friend for a coffee a couple of weeks ago and I complained that I was drowning in washing. I couldn't put more washing on as i had run out of washing baskets as there were 3 with clothes ready to be put away. This meant I couldn't empty the tumble dryer which meant I couldn't empty the washing machine which meant I couldn't put another wash on and the laundry baskets were getting full. She replied with oh I'm so glad it's not just me that does that!

Until last year I was well and working, I did online food shops every week and had a fairly similar shop each week.

We do tumble down or batch cooking. This means we cook every other day and on the other day it's a case of reheating or simple adjustments to a meal. This frees up time do catch up with a chore whilst also reducing a chore by making less mess of the kitchen.

I have an almost 6 year old and we have started to get her more involved with jobs in the house. Until October we were in her room until she went to sleep but our current routine involves half an hour of audio books followed by guided meditation that plays all night. She didn't sleep through the night until nearly 5 and the meditation made the difference. We give her two summons each night. We haven't told her that we wouldn't actually not answered but we do say after she has got us to come up once that she only has one more so she'd better make sure it counts. We check with her when we turn the audio books off if there is anything she needs.

Pick a handful of activities that make you feel better and more motivated to do more. I class these as my gateway activities as they give me the lift I need. For me its cleaning the downstairs loo, the bathroom sink and hoovering the lounge.

if you work FT with two small kids one autistic and are on your own, the only way to do is getting a cleaner. There is no point in trying to squeeze housework between calls, going at night, in the long term you will be exhausted. Either you accept the chaos or pay for help. Do not be embarrassed with a cleaner, they see it all. I would suggest to invest in one deep clean with a couple of cleaners to get you in shape and then 3/4 hours a week to maintain. It will change your life

Do you really sleep for 8.5 hours a night? Not knocking it if you can, but I would never be able to sleep that amount. If I sleep 8 hours one night, then I really struggle to sleep the following night because I’m not tired enough.

I’m currently enjoying Taboo with Tom Hardy as lead. BBC iPlayer.

Your situation sounds tough. I dont do early mornings but I do later at night, probably don't sit down till 10:30. Sleep midnight to 7am ish. I also have a hard work bedtime with kids but have managed to move to me popping in and out a bit more with them and then putting a bit of washing away, wiping a side. I keep going in and out and doing bits here and there until they are asleep, and then maybe something bigger like the kitchen floor, after they are asleep. I don't have a huge system other than do what's in front of me or bothering me most. One thing I heard once that has helped me is "it it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly". May sound counter intuitive but if you think its worth the bathroom being cleaner, it's better to do a crap 5 min job at it than not doing it all. And often just those little bits add up. I often say that to myself when faced with the something like the stairs need hoovering and it feels overwhelming, so I'll tell myself just to do a quick job of it, even if not perfect. Good luck, hope you a manage to get to a better situation with your DH.

Huge well done. It’s the little wins that make the bigger wins possible. I honestly was where you were, I was in an unhappy marriage just over 6 years ago, and I didn’t act, thankfully my ex h did act and found himself a gf haha so did me a favour and forced my hand. I’m now remarried and we’ve added 2 more gremlins to our household. I highly recommend just pulling the plug on the marriage no point waiting around. And will be a huge step towards your future. Will be tough but will lift a huge burden that’s currently weighing you down.

honestly well done you will start to feel much better being proactive. Xx

Dont the kids get free school meals at that age. You need to make life easier

They read to you in turn before bed

Reward chart for staying in bed.

If you wfh drop them half hour earlier and tidy round for 20 mins. Stick washing in and put out lunch time.

Teach the kids to help. Little jobs and sticker chart.

Get rid of lazy dh.
Stay strong 💪

Of the eldest has ASD, have you tried Melatonin @ComeOnNowww? It helped me to get more time in the evening.

People require different levels of sleep to be able to function. Also the OP did say she struggles to get to sleep (so do I, whatever time I go to bed). I’d bloody love 8.5 hours sleep a night.

@ComeOnNowww great to hear your update.

I actually think you’re doing really well - you have a huge amount on your plate.

i worked p/t, had a cleaner, a supportive husband and still felt I was drowning at times. Three boys close in age - mums of girls don’t get the chaos that is boys! Try audiobooks, godsend. 🙏

Reading that reminded me of the main characters selfish absent husband in Motherland a little.

I had a hectic life for about 12 years, when kids were little. We did have a cleaner though and DH whilst still having to be told what to do sometimes did a very big chunk of stuff, he liked doing laundry, one of his ancestors was a laundress and he joked it was in his genes.

Your husband sounds dire. The sort who has not coped with the attention given to the children especially as they are males. Well that was my departed Mother's theory and she had great insight in to the human condition. He also reminds me of that quote ‘men love women, women love children, children love hamsters. So many men are just selfish and when it’s not all about them they behave badly.

Get your 30 mins free advice and go armed with a list of questions. Of some friends who have broken up I have known some men’s behaviour get even worse, two men moving overseas to dodge all maintenance. Another ex husband was a solicitor with his own firm I can’t remember exactly what she said but he paid himself in a way to minimise his actual income, maybe dividends. Not my friends but have read on here of men giving up work to avoid maintenance. I have also read terrible incorrect information on here so please seek proper legal advice.

Be kind to yourself. You have an adult manchild who won't lift a finger and are working full time with two young children. You are bound to be tired and if that means things aren't pristine then it is very understandable.

I would start by asking for help. So if you have family nearby ask if they can have the boys for the next 2 or 3 Saturdays for a few hours in the morning and then drop them back by whatever agreed time. That way you can clean in peace. After tou have done that deep clean, do little but often to keep on top of it. So when you wfh put the washing on before the kids are up, that way it will be done by time they reach school and you can put it out before you start wfh. Make sure to take your lunch break and take 10 minutes to hoover or give one of the rooms a tidy etc.

I have an autistic child (possibly two, waiting diagnosis for the youngest) and work full time too so I get it. My eldest doesn’t fall asleep till about 10pm at the moment and needs help getting to sleep still even though in year 5.

I found it easier after getting divorced as I was then only clearing up and cleaning for one adult. My ex was useless so all his stuff fell on me. You may find similar!

I wfh so get a lot of stuff done on my lunch break. Please don’t put extra pressure on yourself, with an autistic child you already have extra challenges. I’m sure you are doing amazingly x

Firstly, you are just about keeping your head above water because you are in survival mode - well done.

The household being a complete mess is a reflection of the relationship breaking down. He’s given up. You’ve given up on him. It’s over. The kids feel this.

So focus on where you want to be this time next year and work towards that.

I’d say: divorced, living in a nice (smaller) new build - with dramatically less ‘stuff’ (this is key) so that life is manageable. The kids go to their dad’s every other weekend and you have time for yourself and to keep on top of your house.

Now work towards that:
Divorce - crack on
Declutter MASSIVELY as if you are packing to move (because you are). There is no point in you moving things to a ‘To Go On Vinted’ pile - just take it all to a charity shop and get it out of your house. Blitz.

Book annual leave and a cleaner to come on the last day and have a blitz day with you.

You are going to need time, energy and accountability to clear a backlog of clutter and cleaning. Make a structured project of it. Watch Stacy Solomon ‘Sort Your Life Out’ for inspiration. Write down your goal for your life/ home this time next year and then make it happen.

Don't be embarrassed. Hire a deep cleaner for a one off (they will have absolutely seen worse) and then consider a regular one to keep on top of it.

We are not superhuman. Those mum's saying they can't live in mess are either lucky with support from their partner, stay at home, spend less time with the children because they're cleaning, have less hyper children or have a cleaner. They're doing something you aren't, but also you're doing something they aren't.

Also, you're in the trenches with two boys of that age and with Autism thrown into the mix. Life never stops. Give yourself a break (mentally) and stop beating yourself up.

Don’t do this!! They are young enough to need proper supervision in the water, not a baby monitor type setup.

A quick shower, or just a face wash some evenings is fine.

Yes to taking advantage of them having an hour of cartoons, but never leave kids in the bath.