AIBU to feel disturbed by my parents' secret sexual history?

[QueenOfDragon]

Name changed for this because of content.

Just found out from a family friend a secret about my parents that’s left me feeling sick to be honest. I knew my mother had affairs (I know of at least 3) when I was growing up. My first memory as a four year old was her kissing our lodger in the bathroom. My dad was emotionally and mentally abusive to her so I always thought her affairs were part of her escape plan (she never left).

Today I found out that my dad not only knew about the affairs but actively encouraged them. My mum had regular threesomes with my dad’s friend and his wife. My mum slept with my dad’s friends whilst my dad was asleep upstairs. Basically they were known for it. As a couple - they knew he gave consent and she slept with all these men.

I’ve had difficulties over the years questioning if my childhood was neglectful in some way. We had a lovely home, food and well, love. Apart from my dad’s awful moods and temper - my mum was a fantastic care giver.

They are both still together and well into their late 70s now.

I will never mention this to them or my sister but am I reasonable to feel that to act this way as parents, with two young girls is pretty bad? Regardless of how “normal” you try and play at happy families?

Bearing in mind the men my mother slept with were at my dad’s place of work - the friend who told me this today worked there and said it was”common knowledge”. Honestly I’m appalled.

God reading these apologists for parental sexual deviency makes my skin crawl.

No wonder so many kids are fucked up. It's just like Larkin said.

As @Calliopespa said things change when you have children and you gain responsibilities!

Absolutely !
one PP said that I’m making it all about me, yet I was exposed to a lot of this from the age of 4 right up to leaving at 23. I knew about affairs and was led to believe my dad was a victim. The mind boggles.

Can you not see your mother as a victim here?

At the time this happened what a child wanted was not so high up in the scheme of things and the idea of a child giving "consent" for anything would not have entered any adult's mind...

You know the "good old days" when kids did what they were told or got a good slap, not like the snowflakes of today....continued on page 14 of the Reform/Restore manifestos...

Of course I can !

YANBU to feel disturbed by this. All this about parents' right to sex lives is just an excuse for poor choices, in my view. Yes, parents can do what they like, but at least they should keep it to themselves and definitely not engage in this behaviour when their children might see or overhear them. I'd take it a step further and say that they shouldn't be doing things that are essentially public knowledge. Legally, they can, but the rest of the world doesn't have to like it or think it's proper behaviour. Eventually word can get back to the kids, and it's not what I'd want to be remembered for!

As there's nothing to be done about it, I'd try to forget the unpleasant things and focus more on your good memories of your mother, but YANBU to feel as you do. Not at all.

That’s the dumbest reply I think I’ve ever seen on here.

If people want human kindness, rather than what people really think, then perhaps best not to post in AIBU with a poll.

Completely agree, awful for you op. What is it about some parents that make them think their children are blind , deaf and stupid. Really tame compared to yours but my mum had an affair before I was born and my dad visited a prostitute before they were married - that's great for both of you but why does your child need to know that? I also didn't need to be told that on holiday when we had to go to the room every afternoon so they could have a sleep that they were actually having "sexual intercourse". Yes I know, I can hear you like I could hear you when you had sex in the same room as me thinking I was asleep - or not caring.

That's not ops place, op is a victim. If you punch me in the face and then i find out you've some mental disorder I've still been punched in the face. Perhaps op does have sympathy (usually kids with shit childhoods are far too nice and understanding and ready to forgive) but that doesn't change that she saw and heard things she shouldn't have.

Because some people like to contribute to a Thread simply to show off with a Clever Dick, crass comment.

Happens on every thread.
Zero empathy.

Ignore them OP 🌸

Of course peoole should give an opinion.
Thats the point of AIBU.
But there are ways of voicing opinions that don't involve sneering dismissal of the OP.

I don't think knowing or imagining our parents sex life is good for anyone. I can understand how you feel given what you've been told. I guess if your mother was consenting to this then it's less problematic than otherwise. I don't know really what to suggest. Shame someone thought it would be good to share this with you.

I doubt children consent to their parents having sex with each other, but I don't know any parents who only have sex when they are elsewhere.

Except it's entirely possible that the "affairs" were actually part of the abuse. It's possible she didn't really consent to them.

Parents having sex with each other is normal otherwise those children wouldn't exist.

Normal parents would ensure that they were discreet.

They wouldn't be having randoms into the home for a quickie.

Sorry I got the wrong end of the stick about this so deleting my (uninformed) response.

If you don’t understand, why are you dismissing the OP’s feelings?

Even if she does believe that, it doesn't lessen the impact of it all on OP. Her mother potentially being a victim in this situation doesn't magically make everything all ok for OP herself. Regardless of her mother's precise role in things, it impacted OP. And if she wants to talk about that, instead of sweeping her feelings under the carpet, then she can.

It’s difficult because adults should still be able to have consensual active sex lives even after having children provided of course they don’t put their children in danger. Inviting strange men over could potentially have done this although you don’t mention anything happened to you, aside from the confusion of witnessing her kissing the lodger.

I understand your perspective but equally don’t think they necessarily did anything wrong as it was consensual and presumably your dad either enjoyed the thought (which I appreciate is gross) or he could overlook it. I think this stems simply from them being your parents and they have had an unconventional relationship which can be difficult to grasp.

Someone DH works with is married to a woman whose parents are well known swingers, they have regular parties in their home. It was difficult for him to comprehend when his wife first told him, more so the fact she didn’t seem to mind. It is odd to accept our parents are just adults with messy lives but there you go.

Get some therapy OP, CBT is good for dealing with stuff from the past, and move on.