AIBU to feel disturbed by my parents' secret sexual history?

[QueenOfDragon]

Name changed for this because of content.

Just found out from a family friend a secret about my parents that’s left me feeling sick to be honest. I knew my mother had affairs (I know of at least 3) when I was growing up. My first memory as a four year old was her kissing our lodger in the bathroom. My dad was emotionally and mentally abusive to her so I always thought her affairs were part of her escape plan (she never left).

Today I found out that my dad not only knew about the affairs but actively encouraged them. My mum had regular threesomes with my dad’s friend and his wife. My mum slept with my dad’s friends whilst my dad was asleep upstairs. Basically they were known for it. As a couple - they knew he gave consent and she slept with all these men.

I’ve had difficulties over the years questioning if my childhood was neglectful in some way. We had a lovely home, food and well, love. Apart from my dad’s awful moods and temper - my mum was a fantastic care giver.

They are both still together and well into their late 70s now.

I will never mention this to them or my sister but am I reasonable to feel that to act this way as parents, with two young girls is pretty bad? Regardless of how “normal” you try and play at happy families?

Bearing in mind the men my mother slept with were at my dad’s place of work - the friend who told me this today worked there and said it was”common knowledge”. Honestly I’m appalled.

Thank you for understanding. The lack of empathy from others is shocking. Some families are not very close…but mine actually is a very close family. From the outside if people knew this secret they would be shocked. That’s how I feel - can’t understand why people on here can’t appreciate that.

My parents were swingers, went to sex clubs etc. I knew as a child. I didn’t/dont
like it.
yes it’s grim but I don’t think it’s that uncommon to some degree unfortunately.

Other than your dad being abusive, which should have made your mother leave, what exactly is wrong with this set up? I don’t mean wrong as in ‘you wouldn’t do it’, I mean actually wrong?

Yeah… I remember being on holiday with my parents when I was about 12, and they met a couple who were well dodgy with sexual boundaries. I realise now what happened was either a foursome or wife swapping, I was there for some of the discreet preamble. I can’t blame my parents for experimenting. The couple were dire though, and it was very yucky for me.

Fast forward many years, and a school mum friend of mine turns out to be shagging anything that moves while her kids are asleep upstairs. I guess there’s life, kids, and hormones, and they don’t always fit together well.

sorry op, not nice to find this out. At least it’s fairly vanilla stuff.. count your blessings!

Pretty rough to find out that your own parents might indulge in that sort of stuff, at home where there are young children. Absolutely nobody needs to know about their parents' sex life

For those asking about the friend. He has known me my whole life. We were talking about my childhood and got on to the subject of my trauma and me working through it. It’s the first time I’ve asked him what he knows about my mum (I knew he knew if that makes sense but it’s never been spoken about between us ) but then he added to it with this extra bombshell about all the other men. I’m thinking he shouldn’t have gone that far with the detail but he obviously thought I could handle the truth.

I'd like to know why someone thought you needed such in depth knowledge of your parents' escapades. Seems an odd thing to tell you.

Oh OP that’s not great. It’s different if you’d never had any idea and then this was sprung on you now, you could potentially shrug it off even if you were a bit grossed out (which is a very normal
reaction when your parents sec life is concerned!). But it sounds like their sexual decisions actively impacted you and made you feel unsettled and unsafe during your childhood which is definitely not ok. Those experiences are very adult and there’s a reason why it is seen as abusive to do it around children. I can’t say if this constitutes abuse but they were incredibly inappropriate at the very least.

Being exposed to seedy sexual antics in this way is a form of abuse OP. You knew about it (sort of) as a child, saw your mum kissing the lodger - it’s not right that you should have been exposed to that. You’re not unreasonable to feel upset about this at all. I expect this is more common than anyone would ever realise really, but children shouldn’t be exposed to it and it’s still
upsetting to discover it as an adult. I don’t have any advice but I absolutely sympathise with you. I’d feel disgusted with my parents if I found this out about them - it should be private.

The family friend would no longer be a 'friend'. No way would I want to hear about my parents sex life. It's their business and not something I, as their daughter need to know.

Thank you x

Why does it have to be wrong for OP to be disturbed by it?

It’s reasonable to feel a bit odd about it, but essentially it’s their private business and seems they were both ok with this arrangement.

My parents were similar. I found out through my mother about her affairs and she also told me about my dad who was having an affair with a woman the same age as me. I found porn more than once, they used to have sex when I was in the house. I also found hideous toys and all my dads porn videos with hand written labels with titles like ‘anal invasion’
it really disturbed me and tbh that’s only the half of it. My mum still always brings things back to sex and thinks it’s normal and that everyone is super sexual and gagging for it and can’t control themselves. Very very weird!

@QueenOfDragon , I imagine hearing that was distressing and disturbing.
Can I ask WHY you asked this friend about your mum and her relationship with your dad?
If you already had an inkling, in the back of your mind were you not concerned about more revealing information?
Does it change how you feel about your parents now?

The person who told you will have exaggerated MASSIVELY.

Everyone prefers to think of their parents as only having vanilla sex and only for as many times as it took to produce whatever number of children they had.

Your parents were adults and free to make their own choices. Amazing really that you discovered they had an unorthodox sex life and immediately started to check whether that made you some kind of victim. And they are still together! That's pretty impressive. Looks like they found arrangements that worked for them.

I know this is probably misandrist of me, but the person who gave you all this information is a man, and he went into too much detail about your mum's sex life, to the point that it made you uncomfortable and you feel that he took it too far, but you're giving him the benefit of the doubt that he just wanted you to know the truth.

Is it possible he was enjoying making you uncomfortable? As in, could he have been exaggerating the details?

Surely then the blame lies with the one who told her. Her parents didn't tell her. They didn't manage to keep the secret perfectly, but they kept most of it secret, and that's how it should have stayed.

I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with adults having this element in their own sex lives, and parents are no exception to that, but the issue for me is that it’s not something their children should ever have been exposed to so not in the home where children could walk in, not done around the children or done in a way that children are even slightly aware and can make their own guesses.

I have absolutely no clue what my parents sex life is like, they could be top members of the kink community, avid swingers, or have had sex once a week, or never, I have no idea and that’s exactly how it should be. Parents are entitled to a sex life just like any other adult but it should never impact or be known to their children- that’s my opinion anyway.

I really hope not! I do trust him a lot.

What an unbelievably tone deaf post. Please try not to be quite so nasty.

The OP was exposed to her dad being abusive and her mum's (and dad's) inappropriate sexual boundaries. If a child disclosed this now then a safeguarding concern would be raised and there would be clear expectations of changes in behaviour by both parents.

I really hope he wasn’t enjoying it as he is a dear friend. We are very open and he has known me since I was a child myself.

My sympathy is with the parents. Of course, it's a shame they weren't perfect like all us Mumsnet Mums are. It sounds like they went through some pretty rough times, rightly or wrongly decided to stay together probably for the kids, and found a way to make it work. They had a private life which they did their best to keep secret - with some slip-ups - and now their daughter has found out and is making it all about her.

You say your dad was abusive? Is it possible his coerced your mum into it because he got off on it?