AIBU to feel disturbed by my parents' secret sexual history?

[QueenOfDragon]

Name changed for this because of content.

Just found out from a family friend a secret about my parents that’s left me feeling sick to be honest. I knew my mother had affairs (I know of at least 3) when I was growing up. My first memory as a four year old was her kissing our lodger in the bathroom. My dad was emotionally and mentally abusive to her so I always thought her affairs were part of her escape plan (she never left).

Today I found out that my dad not only knew about the affairs but actively encouraged them. My mum had regular threesomes with my dad’s friend and his wife. My mum slept with my dad’s friends whilst my dad was asleep upstairs. Basically they were known for it. As a couple - they knew he gave consent and she slept with all these men.

I’ve had difficulties over the years questioning if my childhood was neglectful in some way. We had a lovely home, food and well, love. Apart from my dad’s awful moods and temper - my mum was a fantastic care giver.

They are both still together and well into their late 70s now.

I will never mention this to them or my sister but am I reasonable to feel that to act this way as parents, with two young girls is pretty bad? Regardless of how “normal” you try and play at happy families?

Bearing in mind the men my mother slept with were at my dad’s place of work - the friend who told me this today worked there and said it was”common knowledge”. Honestly I’m appalled.

Wow that's a mind bend for you, given her strict approach with you.

Parenting is providing about so much more than food and a roof over your head.

Your parents sex life is their own business and this friend should not have made it yours. As long as everyone was consenting I don't see the issue.

The neglect is a different issue and separate of their sex life and I'm sorry you experienced that.

Do you think you'd care less if you had a happy childhood?

But it’s fundamentally none of your business. You knew about the affairs, which was absolutely not ideal for a child. But why does it make it worse that they happened with your father’s ‘permission’? And what on earth did this person have to gain by filling you in on the details?

Perhaps there is more than one issue here? It's very common not to think of our parents as fully sexual beings and to imagine our own generation invented anything beyond the most perfunctory sex. Then there is the fact that you are (presumably) monogamous yourself so this is at odds with your own values. Lastly, it is, of course, wrong for adults to not protect children from witnessing their sex lives or intimacy beyond the parental relationship. So with all this swirling around I'm not surprised you feel confused and disturbed. It does call into question your mum being a 'fantastic caregiver' because she certainly failed in one aspect. I'm not saying that she was an awful mum but have you idealised her a bit? Once we can accept that our parents are whole people with good and bad sides and a sex life and psychologically separate ourselves from them enough to accept that we may have different moral codes it becomes less disruptive to us. Give yourself a bit of time.

You don't have to understand.

Just accept that, for the OP, it has raised some issues.

(edited for spelling)

Your father was ‘mentally and emotionally abusive’ to your mother. THAT is the thing that should shock and disgust you...

Their sexual exploits had nothing to do with their parenting and are absolutely none of your business.

Mental and emotional abuse normally permeates everything.

The swinging may have been driven by the abuse. '

I find the OP entirely rational and correct in her focus.

I think it’s an issue that you saw her engaging with said men. I don’t think it’s an issue that they did it with full consent of all parties. Parents are allowed to be sexual beings kinks and all. But you shouldn’t have had a confusing exposure to it.

Well yes two adults who were married to each other and the children knew if mums affairs sorry if single he'll sleep with whom and when you like but married with children sorry that's gross behavior

Some of these replies are awful. Even if her parents had the most vanilla sex nobody else can tell her how to feel about that. You get to feel however you like. I don’t know why people are getting so angry with the OP that they say such nasty things. Projection?

OP I understand why you would be disturbed by this, especially when it sounds like your mum may have been coerced. Your feelings are valid and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I am in my late fifties. When I was growing up from the age of 10, my father started working nights, my mother had a drink problem and also was on valium to the point that if she ran out of tablets there was a dodgy doctor near to us who would write out a new prescription at a cost.
She would go out after my dad had left for work and meet other men. I was left on my own. She was seeing one man on a regular basis who were come to the house to pick her up that I met. There was also another man that I met as my mum wanted to see him just before Christmas during the day so she took me along. I remember he had a big alsation dog, I was left in the lounge whilst the two of them went to another room to have sex, at the time I didn't get it. He bought me a cuddly toy and a short time after they broke up, I remember that my mum was very angry and took this toy away from me to give back to him.
There are so many other things that happened. My dad did know but I think he was in denial. They stayed married till he died 15 years ago but after he retired they lived in the same house but did everything separately.

They can do what the fuck they want but to expose ur four year old child to it is disgusting and abusive.

Thank you for all the measured and understanding comments on here. I have read them all and the stories of similar experiences (you have my empathy, thank you for sharing).

For those saying that my mum didn’t lie, I asked her countless times over my young life “who is that man to you?, where are you going?, are you having an affair?” - so yes I was lied to.

For many years, even though my dad had these awful issue's, we believed him to be the victim in terms of my mums affairs. Then to find out he was consenting yesterday was a shock.

For those saying they can shag who they like whilst married - I take issue with it because I’m married and have different values. I’m also a mother and have different values. So we are going to have to strongly disagree on that one.

It sounds like their peers do know, common local knowledge and its just you children who had no idea.

🙄

Missing the point there love.

I too know things about my parent's sex life that I wish I didn't. It has affected me. My theory is that people married young, totally bought into marriage for life, stick it out no matter what.

Our generation tend to do our experimenting in our 20s and get married later and place a big importance on monogamy. But we also know divorce is an option.

I’ve actually had more thoughts over night after thinking about your father, maybe he coerced your mother into doing this as you said he was abusive.
but you also said your mother was a good mother. Just think about that and how much she loved you. X

were you quite young when you were asking your dm ?
you didnt need to know,
it is not your business and i am sorry you were even told.
i think we all wonder about our parents
particularly with the swinging 60s and 70s that they were living
but we dont need the details about our own parents.

It was the late 80s and mid 90s - I was well into teenage years. I’m 45.

thankfully your own dm didnt let you know herself then,

she must have been a sad woman op

OP I think your instincts are entirely right and I'm not surprised you feel as you do. I grew up in a house where there were dodgy sexual boundaries and lots of nudity. It has had a big impact on me, because even though nothing 'bad' happened to me, I felt vaguely unsafe all the time.

Would you consider finding a therapist to talk some of this through? Though having says that, finding a really effective one is a minefield

I am considering it. I’m diagnosed with anxiety and OCD and had therapy years ago, we touched on my upbringing - but I do think I need some more. I do have trust issues within relationships.

The children didn’t consent to it happening in their home.

even though nothing 'bad' happened to me, I felt vaguely unsafe all the time.

This is why some posters feel once you have children, the rules change. Actually, some feel that once you make a promise to a spouse of fidelity the rules change, but let's allow for married couples who consent to sharing it round.

Children biologically crave a stable parental environment to develop optimally. Issues such as bringing non-related adults into the family, and risking genetically unrealated baby birds in the nest, is biologically a threat to a child. So when that necessarily becomes an issue, it needs to be done with utter respect for the child's developmental needs for security.

OP's parents exposed her to their unconventional sex life by doing stuff in front of her, e.g.

'My first memory as a four year old was her kissing our lodger in the bathroom'

This sort of behaviour is considered to be sexually abusive.