AIBU to feel disturbed by my parents' secret sexual history?

[QueenOfDragon]

Name changed for this because of content.

Just found out from a family friend a secret about my parents that’s left me feeling sick to be honest. I knew my mother had affairs (I know of at least 3) when I was growing up. My first memory as a four year old was her kissing our lodger in the bathroom. My dad was emotionally and mentally abusive to her so I always thought her affairs were part of her escape plan (she never left).

Today I found out that my dad not only knew about the affairs but actively encouraged them. My mum had regular threesomes with my dad’s friend and his wife. My mum slept with my dad’s friends whilst my dad was asleep upstairs. Basically they were known for it. As a couple - they knew he gave consent and she slept with all these men.

I’ve had difficulties over the years questioning if my childhood was neglectful in some way. We had a lovely home, food and well, love. Apart from my dad’s awful moods and temper - my mum was a fantastic care giver.

They are both still together and well into their late 70s now.

I will never mention this to them or my sister but am I reasonable to feel that to act this way as parents, with two young girls is pretty bad? Regardless of how “normal” you try and play at happy families?

Bearing in mind the men my mother slept with were at my dad’s place of work - the friend who told me this today worked there and said it was”common knowledge”. Honestly I’m appalled.

It wasn’t private though was it. She could feel the discomfort as a young child and knew her mother wasn’t safe her whole childhood. And her mother stayed and attempted to keep the gaslighting up. That’s abuse. Would you want your child to go through that?

It's not ridiculous at all. If op's parents are in their late 70s then we're talking the hippy era. Times were different. Consensual adults having consensual sex - no problem.

You are being unnecessarily judgemental, definitely lacking empathy and human kindness.

You’d be surprised what people get up to.

I briefly worked as a straight male escort and most of my business was with men’s wives.

This. What I would be more concerned about is the fact someone told you about this and you listened… had someone started telling me something like this about my parents I would instantly switch off!!

YANBU, OP. It must have been disturbing and I doubt that was the only time you were exposed it, even if advertently.

It's bad enough to accidentally see your own parents having sex / sexual contact, let alone with strangers.

I totally understand why you feel like this. They did not give you a safe home,

They also increased the likelihood of one of these men entering yours or your sister's room.

Victim blaming at its finest.

It was considerably harder to leave your marriage in the 1970s especially with children. Refuges were few and far between (1971 saw the opening of the first ever in Chiswick) and family were frequently unsupportive because leaving your husband was so frowned upon - trapping women.

As for gaslighting - if, as I suspect, OP's mother was coerced by her "emotionally and mentally abusive" husband, it's possible she thought that she was successfully hiding all this from her daughter. Kidding herself, yes; but that could be how she kept a hold of her sanity.

This post is so tonedeaf it's unreal.

Hardly! Would you be happy to sit and listen to someone telling you about the inner secrets of your parents sex lives?!

You really do not know the circumstances under which OP was told, so hold your judgement.

OP was exposed to this when she was 4, there would have been part of her trying to rationalise what she saw at a young age.

I actually disagree with a lot of posters. I think when you have kids you have to understand the emotional impact your sexual appetite can have on them. If you want to swing and shag around maybe just remain child free.

I don't think it was that uncommon when people married young in the 70s. My parents had multiple different sexual partners and we caught them out occasionally and found sex toys etc. They did split up and move on to new partners later on though.
I also found out as a teenager that my grandfather was sleeping with some of his friend's wives - guessing pre viagra - the man would bring his wife around and he'd sit in the living room and have some drinks and nibbles whilst my grandfather was off in the bedroom with his wife!

No, “everyone” does not. I knew from when I was fairly young that my parents had a difficult time conceiving me, their only child, so it stood to reason that they’d had sex several times.

OP’s parents were adults and free to make their choices - including the responsible choice of keeping their casual sex with other people out of the family home.

It’s grim. I totally sympathise with you.

You only just found out about more tham affairs so they did a reasonable job at keeping it to themselves, parents are people too and their business is exactly that

I wrote on here once how I was pretty appalled that my ‘friend’ who had recently adopted a little child, was swinging in the house and going off to sex clubs and I was widely criticised and told to mind my own business!
But it is selfish behaviour when you have children. And they will always find out- as you have.

Which could also be a reason why a woman might go along with it. To keep the men away from her daughters.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. I think
that at the very least, your parents had a responsibility to keep their “extracurricular activities” out of the family home, and not involve other people you knew in keeping a secret from you about your own family. YANBU.

I’m so sorry you’ve had to hear about this. The person who told you clearly had t considered how it would make you feel 🤯
I’ve got no issues with people who have extramarital consensual whatever’s or any kind of experiences outside of a marriage, as long as all parties know and consent. But FFS who would be so dumb as to tell their kids 🤯 of course it will affect you!
just remember your parents had a relationship which was nothing to do with you and how they felt about you … hard to put it out of your mind but try to move on

I really sympathise with you. My little girl is 4 and if she saw me kissing someone other than her dad it would probably really upset and confuse her :( This is an early memory from your childhood so I imagine it had quite an impact on you. It’s understandable to have negative feelings about the new information. If I found out that throughout my childhood strangers had been coming into my house to have sex with one of my parents it would really mess with my head.

At least read the OP, that’s not true.

knew my mother had affairs (I know of at least 3) when I was growing up. My first memory as a four year old was her kissing our lodger in the bathroom. My dad was emotionally and mentally abusive to her so I always thought her affairs were part of her escape plan (she never left).

Can’t believe there are so many ‘no big deal’ replies. Agree with PP that swinging etc doesn’t seem to be very compatible with parenting (or parenting young children, at least). It’s grim. I’m sorry OP and others who suffered negative consequences from their parents’ selfishness. 💐

Yes if a four year old cottoned on to something being off, they were not discreet.

I think it's grim. I'm sorry this happened to you OP, but I guess you have to accept their lives were their lives and it doesn't reflect on you.

But I do think people need to realise once you have children, you really shouldn't be as selfish as before. That view winds some people up, but I see giving children a secure childhood is important and i'm sorry yours sounds to have been a bit kinky.

As a pp said, bleach your brain and move on being you, not them.

It's fine if it makes you feel weird - I don't particularly want to know about my parents' sex life - but it's not 'bad' 'as parents' to have a sex life, even one you don't approve of, no.

Are parents not allowed to have sex with anyone else ever?