AIBU to feel disturbed by my parents' secret sexual history?

[QueenOfDragon]

Name changed for this because of content.

Just found out from a family friend a secret about my parents that’s left me feeling sick to be honest. I knew my mother had affairs (I know of at least 3) when I was growing up. My first memory as a four year old was her kissing our lodger in the bathroom. My dad was emotionally and mentally abusive to her so I always thought her affairs were part of her escape plan (she never left).

Today I found out that my dad not only knew about the affairs but actively encouraged them. My mum had regular threesomes with my dad’s friend and his wife. My mum slept with my dad’s friends whilst my dad was asleep upstairs. Basically they were known for it. As a couple - they knew he gave consent and she slept with all these men.

I’ve had difficulties over the years questioning if my childhood was neglectful in some way. We had a lovely home, food and well, love. Apart from my dad’s awful moods and temper - my mum was a fantastic care giver.

They are both still together and well into their late 70s now.

I will never mention this to them or my sister but am I reasonable to feel that to act this way as parents, with two young girls is pretty bad? Regardless of how “normal” you try and play at happy families?

Bearing in mind the men my mother slept with were at my dad’s place of work - the friend who told me this today worked there and said it was”common knowledge”. Honestly I’m appalled.

Hi @QueenOfDragon

I have only read your replies as I kind of know-how there threads go. All I would say is I am a few years down your path, and I am absolutely convinced that you can not relate to your / our situation unless it has happened to you as a child. It does get better, but I did not realise at the time how much it affected me,

I have many questions, but it's too late now. I have made peace and have moved forward. It's not been easy, and I wish you could do the same. Sending love X

Mine too

So your mother is into cuckolding… what’s the issue?

Consenting adults. I don’t understand why you’re making this an issue.

This depends on whether it was something your Mum enjoyed, or was coerced into and accepted in order to keep the peace from your Dad's temper.

My grandparents were like this in the 1940s! You can see by these replies it’s not uncommon.

I still voted that you aren’t unreasonable because honestly I don’t think anyone really wants to know anything about their parents sex lives. Particularly when they are ‘different’.

If you’re going to judge your parents for anything, judge your father for being abusive. Your father was ‘mentally and emotionally abusive’ to your mother. THAT is the thing that should shock and disgust you, and which was harmful to the family.

Their sexual exploits had nothing to do with their parenting and are absolutely none of your business. Your ‘friend’ should never have told you about it.

The dysfunction in your family is the abuse within your parents’ marriage, not the fact that they were swingers. You are focusing on entirely the wrong thing.

This is what I thought too unfortunately, especially since most of the affairs seemed to be from her Dad's workplace suggesting it was him who did the soliciting and it wasn't people her Mum was necessarily seeking out.

I'm sorry OP, I would have been upset about this revelation too. It does sound like your Mum tried to be a good parent to you for the most part though. Take care and hope you can put this to the back of your mind. Sorry your family friend felt the need to tell you quite so much. Xx

guy I used to work with was mid 50’s elderly parents were in the decline and come clean that his dad wasn’t his dad it was his dads mate they were swingers back in the day

that’s not a con you’d want with your parents in there 80’s

Her parents were married. To each other…

Namechanged. I do empathise, OP. In recent years I’ve discovered a number of shocking things about my parents’ past - quite extensive criminal activity, and also infidelity. A lot of pretty big things were kept hidden from me, and there were elements of my childhood that were (in retrospect) very questionable.

I don’t know if it’s easier, but both my parents are dead. Once I’d got over the initial shock, I actually found it quite easy to move on. I guess I just try to view them as adults who made (some rather bad!) choices. There are probably a few much, much smaller skeletons in my own closet that I probably wouldn’t want my kids to know about too. I think if your childhood was largely happy, it is worth trying to be zen about it. Give yourself some time, I know it’s hard x

Sorry op but it's not your business. See I understand that you were annoyed you witnessed the kiss. That was not great. I also understand that it must have been embarrassing that the friend of the family knew their business ( the friend should not have broken the confidence -although up to them who they told) but I don't understand why you said that you annoyed because your mum lied to you? Firstly why on earth would she talk to you about her sex life. Even as an adult? Secondly it's not just your mum (although the woman always gets blamed). If your parents were swingers that's their private life. In itself not an issue. Is it that you feel embarrassed that others knew? You didn't so they weren't that indiscrete.

I think this is true - sex, for its own sake, was such a novelty then and people married very young. I think my own parents, more discreetly, dabbled in something odd when they briefly made friends with some far more "sophisticated" people. It's really hard for us now to imagine what that sort of thing must have been like for that generation - some kind of brave, liberating new experiment, where now we're so jaded we just view it as seedy.

Oh and yes, I can vouch for the parenting being completely different back then. i am astonished at how much parents now do backflips to keep their children stimulated right, left and centre (no innuendos intended).

I don't really see how your parents sexual preferences affect you, you freely admit they didn't affect you as a child and that you had a good childhood- so what exactly is the problem? Why are you appalled?
Not everyone makes the same choices in their relationships, and they clearly went to some pains to shield you from their behaviour, if you are only finding out about it now.

I’m 50/50 on this - yes, your parents’ preferences are their own, but bringing that lifestyle into the house where their children live is grim and frankly, kind of neglectful. You want to be a swinger, a cuck, whatever it is - book a hotel and keep it out of the family home.

Exposing your children to men that at the end of the day you know nothing about and giving them access to your home is crazy.

No one wants to know about their parents sex life. The fact that they did it to make me and my brothers gives me the ick. I don't want to know. I dont want to think about it and thinking about it makes me want to wash my brain with soap and water. I think your family friend should have shut his mouth. You didn't need all that detail.

I dont know what want on with your mum and dad. It sounds like a pretty toxic situation. I would remove the word affair from your mind. It sounds like this was an agreement and your mum did nothing wrong. Their is a potential that she was coerced into these situations.

Im sorry you saw and knew more than You should have. Im sorry that you can't unhear what you have been told.

OP I'm so sorry you were exposed to your parents sex lives as a child. You deserved a safe, stable home. Bringing random people over to your family home with your children in, to have sex with is abuse, and it put you and your siblings at risk.

I'm shocked by most of the comments.

It would be one thing to do this stuff outside the house, although I still disagree with it and think when you have children you do have to give things up. I wouldn't go bungee jumping, or ride a motorbike now I'm a parent and I definitely wouldn't start having threesomes or swinging.

It may not be the norm but nobody was lied to, they both knew and it made their marriage work. Maybe your dad had something undiagnosed with his mood swings too.

‘Lovely home apart from your Dads awful moods and temper’ That’s not a lovely home. Neither is a home with lots of adults having sex with each other with children in the house! You might as a child might have heard it or seen it if you’d come downstairs for water.

Honestly, finding out your parents had a whole other life you never knew about is a lot to process. Your feelings are completely valid

Well there are quite a few posts from people who have experienced this sort of thing and have been negatively impacted by it. Maybe read those to give you some idea of what the issue is?

Obviously some of the ‘no big deal’ responses here are from people who are parents and who have unconventional sex lives and are feeling quite uncomfortable at the thought that they might be damaging their children. That’s good- people should think on that.

There’s kids in house ffs! It’s not Mum and Dad quietly having a quickie. It’s strangers!

It’s a bit strange the person told you, but also what they did in their intimate life isn’t any of your business.

My first memory as a four year old was her kissing our lodger in the bathroom

That's pretty disturbing in itself and it's more than understandable that you feel unsettled by this. That's a normal way to feel I think. Maybe it comes down to the fact that it seems like your parents, at best, weren't putting you first and, at worst, may have been putting you at risk in various ways. That is upsetting.

@QueenOfDragon like you my siblings and I suspected affairs but not until we compared notes as adults. We just had these feelings at times that mummy was up to something.

Well tonight I got the proof. She died last month I finally got around to her photograph collection and some personal papers that the solicitors gave us. One lover was a gp where she worked. He'd written a letter she'd kept for 50 odd years.

The other was a a neighbour who'd given her a book of poetry. She'd hidden away notes inside it. I didn't read them all but caught one where she said that she wished she'd had his baby. She'd admitted losing a baby around that time aged 45. I'll never know if she'd terminated or miscarried but he died suddenly and she had something of a break down.

I've no written proof of the others thankfully. But it's strange to look back she was so strict with me. As a teenager being a good Catholic I had to save myself for marriage. That meant no makeup, short skirts, bikinis or boys.

Ain't life strange.

How strange how many posters seem to be trying to normalise all these stories and say it's the parents business and it's unreasonable to criticise consenting adults.

Well I disagree. I think parents who behave this way whether it's now or years ago fail to realise how corrosive their actions are on their children.

This sort of thing is not and should not be normal or acceptable family behaviour whether it's attempted to be hidden from the children or not.

So many self indulgent parents and so many damaged kids.