AIBU to feel disturbed by my parents' secret sexual history?

[QueenOfDragon]

Name changed for this because of content.

Just found out from a family friend a secret about my parents that’s left me feeling sick to be honest. I knew my mother had affairs (I know of at least 3) when I was growing up. My first memory as a four year old was her kissing our lodger in the bathroom. My dad was emotionally and mentally abusive to her so I always thought her affairs were part of her escape plan (she never left).

Today I found out that my dad not only knew about the affairs but actively encouraged them. My mum had regular threesomes with my dad’s friend and his wife. My mum slept with my dad’s friends whilst my dad was asleep upstairs. Basically they were known for it. As a couple - they knew he gave consent and she slept with all these men.

I’ve had difficulties over the years questioning if my childhood was neglectful in some way. We had a lovely home, food and well, love. Apart from my dad’s awful moods and temper - my mum was a fantastic care giver.

They are both still together and well into their late 70s now.

I will never mention this to them or my sister but am I reasonable to feel that to act this way as parents, with two young girls is pretty bad? Regardless of how “normal” you try and play at happy families?

Bearing in mind the men my mother slept with were at my dad’s place of work - the friend who told me this today worked there and said it was”common knowledge”. Honestly I’m appalled.

Why and how did the family "friend" bring it up? And why did they provide so much detail when it became clear you didn't know?

Presumably your parents stopped it at some point and / or were discreet enough for you to never find out? I'd be questioning the motives of the person who told you.

I mean it isn't great but until you knew did it really effect you? Do you think with hindsight it is a factor in your dad treating your mum badly?

Two consenting adults having consensual sex with other consenting adults.

HOW DREADFUL.

You seeing the kiss with the lodger was not good.

Otherwise it is surely your parents' business?

Obviously we don't know, but it sounds as though they had an open marriage by consent, and you are retrospectively imposing your ideas of what people "should do" onto them, and have thereby decided your dad was abusive and your mum should have left.

Are you sure the person is telling the truth?

Sounds complex and also horrible. I’m also agog that this person told you. wtf is wrong with them?

They had an active, consensual sex life. Bleach your brain and move on.

This sounds horrifying. What a shit for telling you. Even if you were aware - why would you ever want to discuss their sex life with him?!

So sorry OP, it must be grim finding this out about your parents. At the end of the day people's sex life is their own business but it doesn't sound like your parents were particularly discreet 😔 if your dad was abusive, your mum could well have been coerced/pressured even bullied into participating. So I would try not to judge her as you just can't know how she felt then.

You do not even know if it’s true.

a friend’s in laws were pretty much swingers. Not with a variety of others but with a few select couples. They were pretty open about it. They are in their 80s now and you’d never guess (well you might with one side), but the others now live in a one of those new build executive houses in the ‘burbs. But remember the time it was when they were young: 60s/70s and the pill and free love. Sleeping around was not uncommon! One set of kids felt they pretty much raised themselves but there was no lack of love (ahem), that’s for sure! None of them felt abused, but sure a bit neglected by today’s standards. Things weren’t so child focused then.

Thank you - they wasn’t discreet. I spent a vast majority of my childhood wondering about certain men, not trusting and catching certain vibes that didn’t feel right. My mum actively lying to me.

Whether it's true or not that's a weird thing to tell their DD, I can't imagine why you'd want to know a thing like that about your parents

I did think this today. It was different back then, it’s given me some solace at least!! It’s just the shock of finding out.

What he told me is true because I already knew details of one of the affairs but just not the depth of it and other details.

Yeah I’d find that tough too. I know it’s all consenting adults and that, but mixing that with a family life with young children around, is grim and selfish.

I remember as a child, a primary school friend showing me her dad’s (not very well hidden) 70s porn stash under his bed. I recognise that is nothing like as bad as OP’s example, and tame by modern standards. But those old folks must be in their late 80s now, and when I see them tottering around the community I still cannot look them in the eye.

Ugh. Sex people.

I would question the motives of the person who told you tbh. What did they think it would achieve? Why wait until now if your parents sex life was something they felt you needed to know?

I will also say this much, there's many things I have heard said about me that is supposedly 'common knowledge' that isn't even the slightest bit true, this may have come from your Mum having an affair and then by the time the gossip mill is done the rumour has arms and legs on it and I spoken as a fact.

I also wonder why you didn't stop this person, if someone started telling me about my mother's sex life I would immediately tell the person to shut up. Nobody needs to know that.

Whether you felt neglected in childhood is an entirely separate matter to your parents sex life.

My parents, 80s now were swingers. They thought they were discreet. They were not. Hideous. Sorry you found out

They seem a bit gossipy though ,telling you now FFS! I think if you get on well with them and they are still together then not to say anything to them .It was a permissive age as PP says and things were different then .

What an absolutely ridiculous comment

Of course finding this out about your parents relationship is going to affect a person. It's going to make a person reassess their childhood and what was happening as opposed to what they thought was happening.

What is wrong with people in general and posters on MN in particular that they increasingly seem to lack any empathy or human kindness ,

They were stupid to tell you. Some people just can't keep their mouth shut. Just put it out of your mind.

I'd be far more disturbed about the person that told me all this, to be honest.

What on earth business did they think it was of theirs? Or yours? And lets face it, unless they were the person in the threesome they are just passing on gossip and hearsay to you. I find it quite disturbing that you listened to this shit. I'd have shut them down and told them I had no wish to be told about my parents sex life.

No one wants to know about their parents' sex lives. No one. And yet they must have had one to make you... just bleach your brain.

Why on earth did this family 'friend' tell you this? Obviously you wouldn't want to know about your parents sex lives.

It's all a bit grim isn't it - and seeing your mum kiss another man must have been very confusing for you. They sound very self absorbed.

If you mum was mentally and physically abused though then that may have a lot to do with it all, she may have been coerced into it or desperate to feel liked and appreciated.

Your dad sounds vile tbh.

My parents were a bit like this too -I remember going to pick my wedding dress aged only 19 in a nearby city and my mum insisted we popped into ‘her friends’ office ( male) - part of a couple they met on holiday - I got weird vibes about it at the time too -unknown to me my dad was knocking off the woman aswell - this was the 2nd or 3rd time I had experienced similar - they split up a year after I got married - I don’t think either were very happy and were an odd pair - got married because pregnant with me, middle class girl from very rigid parents and high earning manual tradesman guy from a high earning but working class background -

DBAC. The OP obviously did not want or need to know any of this.